“There’s a secret language shared among black girls who are destined to climb mountains and cross rivers in a world that tells us to belong to the valleys that surround us. – Solange
I was recently asked “Could you maybe write something about how to improve self-esteem for dark-skinned black girls? I’ve been struggling with that lately”…
This topic is so important to me because as a dark-skinned Black Woman living in this society there are so many people that try to bring us down and so many negative narratives for us to internalize. We have been dehumanized since the beginning of time and as we grow up, we quickly begin to realize who/what is valued in society and who/what isn’t, and where we fit in, in this hierarchy. I could just be scrolling Tik Tok late at night to see some funny videos and encounter someone saying we are “bottom barrel”, completely unprovoked. As I addressed earlier, there are many groups/demographics that benefit from us lacking self-esteem and so they go to great lengths to make us feel low.
Therefore, if you don’t nurture your self-esteem on a daily basis as a Black Woman, it’s very likely that you will internalize the negative narratives that exist and they will become your reality. This is actually the reason I made this website because I saw that there were many false narratives out there that BW were internalizing and it was harming their self-esteem/self-concept. I realized that when you do not have self-esteem, it doesn’t matter what positivity may come your way (such as a loving partner, a great career, great friends, praise, etc), you will not be able to pursue it and even if you pursue it and get it, you will not be able to maintain these things because what you think becomes your reality. This is the oldest law, for example, when a woman does not think she can make a man happy, even if a good man appears, she will soon sabotage the relationship (subconsciously) because what you think will become your reality.
I stated earlier in another article that the bane of our tribe as BW is having children out of wedlock (due to the impact it has had on our image and relationship dynamics) but I’ve realized that most, if not every issue we have stems from low self-esteem. As Tony Gaskins pointed out in regards to relationships:
^ Source
Therefore, the real bane of our tribe as Black women is low self-esteem and a poor self-concept. It is unfortunate to see low self-esteem in action but I can’t blame BW completely because we reside in a different ecosystem to other races of women from a gender imbalance in Black men’s favor (no other group has this) to misogynoir/racism and so we have to find ways to thrive in this environment. In order to be treated with respect, dignity, and care by others, we need to do that for ourselves and one another as Black Women.
In terms of improving self-esteem, this is also personal advice and what has worked for me because I am also a dark-skinned girl in her 20’s growing us just like many of you and I will give some tips on what has improved my self-esteem:
1. Reducing/Changing Social Media Use
I know many of you don’t want to hear this lol but I no longer have Twitter and I barely got into Tik Tok before deleting the app. I also have a time limit on how much social media I use a day and only use platforms where I can control what I see. I think that Black Women spend way too much time on social media and it is a tool we’ve used to share our every thought as there are constant discussions about politics, race, and celebrities on the internet. We find ourselves caught up in it because of FOMO (fear of missing out) and feel the need to offer our opinions on everything and most of the time, these things don’t directly have any impact on our lives – they are just another distraction… I’m not saying we can’t use social media because there are a few BW-centred platforms you can benefit from (but even these spaces can get redundant and full of very insecure BW who see life as a chore and want you to see it the same way. You don’t have to watch videos about colorism on a daily basis if you know what it is and you don’t have to use social media in an attempt to convert other women to join “your side”, sooner or later they’ll get it). Social media can be used to gain knowledge, make money and show our creativity but we have allowed social media to dominate our emotions. This is why many companies/brands/people exploit our emotions to gain a following. As I’ve already highlighted, we are preyed upon online by energy vampires who feed off of our emotions.
I know that some of you get this false sense of power by arguing with people, trying to correct them, convincing them of your worth, and going back and forth but we are feeding these broken individuals and making these trolls popular. In reality, with every wasted emotion on someone who wouldn’t piss on us if we were on fire, we’re just the silly bird that keeps flying over dangerous waters even after seeing their friends/family harmed and is devoured every single time. This just needs to stop. Why are you comfortable feeding those who hate you?
Stop reacting, Stop responding. Report, Block, and Exit – Completely cut the access these people have to you.
Also, many of you are being brainwashed by the messaging pushed on social media and the ability to see 500 people agreeing with a negative statement can be triggering and convince you that the whole world thinks this way but it is not true.
Unplug and go out into the real world and commit to living life. For every social media platform you have, ask yourself “what is this actually bringing to my life?” and if the answer isn’t substantial, delete your account and put day/time limits for those remaining.
2. Less Toxic TV
Personally, I will say that there is such a difference between what I watched in my early teens and what I watch now. It appears to me that Black Women are huge viewers of reality TV. When you watch a reality tv clip on YouTube, most of the comments are from BW but if you watch a video on coding and stocks, you will not see Black people as a whole there for the most part (I personally think this is related to looking for escapisms due to the hardships that can exist in a Black person’s life). Just like social media, this is another area where we need to ask, is this beneficial? What is watching this bringing to my life? Of course, watching a bit of Game of Thrones to break up your day is not an issue but watching shows that show BW in a bad light like Love & Hip Hop is a waste of time that you could be using to better your life by learning a new skill or exercising. Such negative content can alter your mind to think that what you’re viewing is healthy or the norm. Watching BW being “dogged out” on TV only weakens your self-esteem and leads to internalizing negative narratives. This is just another area that needs to be regulated.
3. Analyzed the narratives I had internalized
I wrote a whole article on narratives but just to reiterate here that the narratives you’ve internalized about yourself will dictate your life. From “Black women can’t get this or Black women are seen as this or this only happens to Black women” and on a psychological and spiritual level, it’s very unlikely that one can rise above what they internalize. It’s very unfortunate because this will take some real work from us because we’re bombarded with negative narratives on a daily basis but we need to do the work to control what we internalize if we want happy lives.
I would list every negative narrative you hold about yourself/your tribe and write a contrasting affirmation and then evidence of this affirmation.
E.g Internalised Narrative: “I’m undesirable because of my features/skin”
Affirmation: “My features/skin makes me beautiful because it’s exotic and I stand out“ or something like that, whatever feels personal for you.
Evidence: Maybe a woman with similar skin/features to yours with a man that you would consider high quality:
^ [Yvonne Seier Christensen , a dark-skinned woman with typical west African features married to Lars Seier Christensen for 30+ years who at one point was the 13th richest man in Denmark]
Such an exercise can help you see for yourself that these narratives you’ve internalized are not true (not only for relationships but all areas of your life). If it’s possible for one, it’s possible for all but I think this is more for BW who have very low self-esteem but need that boost. For someone like me who has really worked on loving themselves unconditionally and did not grow up in the social media era, I don’t need to live vicariously through other women. It’s good to see but let’s create our own stories. Even if there’s something you want to achieve that hasn’t been done, be motivated by the fact that you can break a false narrative for another woman because all the women that have gone before us living the lives we aspire to have, all had to make the choice to go for it and oftentimes with no one else to look up to, especially pre-social media.
4. Changing what I could and accepting what I couldn’t change (looks)
When we discuss low self-esteem, I think looks are a big part of that when it comes to Black Women based on what I see you guys say. Again, in this area, if what is affecting your self-esteem is changeable, then change it (e.g., lose weight) and if not then learn to accept it and understand that you can still get what you want out of life with it. In my eyes, looks are not the main thing when it comes to getting what you want (a loving successful partner, friends, a career) and as it pertains to dating, I have given my interpretation of what desirability truly is but I think because we have a very colorist/featurist community, many BW begin to think that they need to drastically change in order to appeal to men. This is exacerbated by miserable men online who refer to beautiful women as “4’s” but again you have to ask yourself that when there is a species who are regularly ending the lives of women because of rejection, are these the people you should look to, in order to gauge a true understanding of your worth? When you have such an impact on someone’s happiness (the way women impact a man’s ability to feel fulfilled) you can’t always trust what they say.
I’ve come across hate-filled spaces where BM are degrading us and you’ll see a few BW eagerly asking “why do you think this or how are we like this?” truly looking for answers but they’re not degrading you to help you. They have no answers and as I’ve explained, men but especially black men have an incentive to make us feel as less about ourselves as possible to maintain access to our bodies. Many men will embrace you when you make them feel good about themselves or they can take advantage of you but understand that men profit from your low self-esteem. Don’t think that they are walking around thinking, “I want women to feel good and confident”. Don’t be so focused on the male gaze because it’s suchhh a scam. Being considered attractive by the majority of men has little to do with actual “beauty”.
One thing you also need to learn is how to condition your mind to see the positive in every negative. Condition yourself this way. I remember coming across an article in the Daily Mail about the beautiful Viane Dièye who is the widow of the French footballer Bruno Metsu and current partner of the Saudi Arabian football coach Hervé Renard :
As I’ve highlighted with social media, one should also avoid certain spaces such as the Daily Mail comments which are always extremely negative no matter the person being discussed but I was curious… There was a negative comment suggesting that he looks better than her and of course, he is a very good-looking archetypal European man but I’m sure misogynoir was at the root of the comment. Depending on how you’ve conditioned yourself, as a BW, you could be upset and think about how there’s a bias towards us and someone would only say that because she is a Dark-skinned Black Woman.
When you’re 1st faced with misogynoir, especially in this manner, I think the first step is to acknowledge that it is wrong: e.g. “okay this is a false statement, they are clearly both very good-looking”, secondly acknowledging that “this person clearly has a reason for their beliefs and it’s okay for someone to have an opposing view to mine, I don’t have to argue or convince them of my view.” As stated in “A Course In Miracles”, “The truth can be unrecognized, but it cannot be changed.”. Let’s not let opinions victimize us. It doesn’t need to have meaning for us….
With everything, learn to flip a negative to a positive. Using this case as an example, you could think a little deeper and see that this very good-looking successful European man who could have any woman chose a Black woman who is a widow and has children from her previous marriage, and this just highlights my conclusions in “Desirability & Dating“. It highlights that BW don’t have to 20-year-old barbie dolls to get quality men. It’s all about how you interpret the hate you get because as BW we will always face misogynoir, and I’ve explained why here but you have to remember that no one attacks people who have no influence, impact, or presence and so clearly, we are very impactful, especially in how we make others feel and so we will be attacked as a reaction to that but we can’t internalize that as something being wrong with us. Take time to see the good in negativity and this takes work. It’s okay if you’re triggered for 5 minutes but learn to let it go.
Your self-esteem shouldn’t be conditional upon men saying you’re gorgeous or getting likes on Instagram, you should know that you are fundamentally worthy. Reclaim your power. It’s not only what other think about you but also what you think of them. As I always say, as a dark-skinned Black Woman, the world isn’t going to tell you who you truly are, they’re not going to say en masse that you’re the blueprint, the most talented, and that you’re gorgeous and imitated by many so you can’t look to the external for confirmation. The confirmation comes from self-love and meeting your personal goals. So although they call this line of thinking “delusional”, as a Black Woman, you really have to reach for things that the world says you can’t have if you want to survive.
5. Working on my Self Image/Concept – Affirmations/ Meditation
I learned the idea of a self-image/concept from reading the book “Psycho Cybernetics” By Maxwell Maltz . The book starts with the concept that everyone has a specific “mental portrait” that defines who he/she is and what he/she believes in. That mental portrait is the result of our past experiences, successes, failures, feelings, and behaviors. As a result, this image represents the foundation on which we build our personality. However, most people let past experiences define them in a negative way. Therefore, they end up behaving in a way that’s not coherent with who they really are, but only with who they “think” they are. The book helps you overcome this distortion. I think there’s no one who is more distorted in this area than Black Women because many of us have a very warped idea of what we can do, how we can live, and what is available to us because of our race/skin tone. Just because you are a dark-skinned Black woman, doesn’t mean you can’t be the “main character” or have the best of men, etc. Let’s also take some time to understand that having dark black skin is not the cause of every negative interaction/ experience you’ve had. Don’t see it as a stigma because other women have made it work for them and used it as a currency.
In terms of meditation/affirmations which are very important to clear the junk from your subconscious mind, I enjoy listening to Dylan James. His affirmations really work for me as I’ve seen great improvements in terms of how I view myself.
6. Getting Closer to God
I really like this artwork and I think it somewhat depicts how you feel when you have a close relationship with God or a higher being. I personally see God in my own image (female and Black as we are the first humans and humans were made in God’s image) and so this probably also contributes to my high self-esteem. If you are in the manifestation space or watch some of Dylan’s content you will know how important belief is. A strong conviction in God just gives you confidence and a lot of strength can come in the words of the holy books (for me since I was raised a Catholic, it’s would be the Bible). For example:
“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” – Matthew 6:34
“For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline.” – 2 Timothy 1:7
“So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.” – Hebrews 10:35–36
^ When you marinate on these words, they give you strength and a certainty that despite tribulation, you will have “an expected end” (Jeremiah 29:11 KJV) and so if you are a believer, find strength in that fact that there is something much bigger out there than everything that is visible to us and that is who you should seek validation from.
7. Having Role Models
The chosen image has nothing to do with politics or foreign policy. I just like the image of a powerful BW positioned in the middle. Nonetheless, I thoroughly love reading about, listening to etc. Black Women who occupy spaces that we have never occupied before. We all need representation and although the Bible tells us to believe without seeing, most of us are not able to do that. As a dark-skinned Black Woman, take some time to look into BW who have already succeeded in the areas you want to succeed in. I think that because I’m aware of many BW living amazing lives out there, I see so many possibilities for myself and I think it’s very important as a BW to follow BW who are doing well and have the things you desire so you can get inspiration and see what is possible for you despite the naysayers/false narratives and hopefully become representation for a young black girl in the future.
8. Stopped the Distractions
I’m not going to say I’m perfect in this area and it’s something I am constantly working on (honestly, if you never hear from me again, this is what I’m doing lol). I have a plan for what I want from my life and outline what I will have to do on a daily basis to fulfill my goals (like a school timetable). I think that ds black girls/women are extremely distracted with the world and its narratives (in a way I don’t think other races are…I think other races are more focused on making their individual life the best it can be instead on focusing on things they can’t change) and that’s terrible for us because the world doesn’t have many beneficial things to tell us. I want you all to create a plan for your life and outline what you have to do on a daily to achieve that (everything else is a distraction), know you can achieve it, and put most of your time, energy, and thoughts into fulfilling those life goals. For some of you, instead of reading, working out, learning about stocks, etc, you were so riled up about people like Kevin Samuels, only for him to be dead now. Everything will be dealt with in its own time. Lock in and block out the noise.
When I look at women who inspire me, be it a Melody Hobson or Dambisa Moyo (partly because they didn’t grow up in the social media era) I doubt they were arguing with trolls online, seeking external validation or trying to educate someone on colorism (just to emphasise this, some of you get any piece of info and want to become teachers and that’s just not the role for you – take the information and live your life). They had tunnel vision and focused on themselves in every area and reached amazing milestones I always say that if we all as BW focused on ourselves and tried our best to reach our personal goals, we’d collectively do better.
Despite the negativity and biases, when I ask myself “would you want to be any other race?”, my answer is no because I see us as the blueprint, everything we do, other’s copy and I don’t think anyone else could create what we’ve created with the tools we were given. Of course misogynoir sucks but I’m proud to be a Black Woman and so I’ll accept what it is and what comes with that and create my own world where those around me will see the love I have for myself.
Back to acceptance, yes, we live in a racist society. Yes, by virtue of being black, especially if you are dark-skinned, people will overlook and underestimate you but what makes black women beautiful is our ability to create life and culture and meaning in a vacuum. They give us nothing and we’re still able to turn it into something and for that, there is reason to celebrate. Celebrate our survival, our ability to thrive, and our ability to persevere.
Understand that there is nothing more revolutionary for us as Black Women than self-love. Romanticize Your Life. The fact that we would even have the audacity to love ourselves, take up space, be the main character and seek the best is revolutionary and what our female ancestors sacrificed so much for. On just a self-respect level, I always promise myself that I will not allow others to dictate how I feel about myself.
OTN
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10 thoughts on “The Key that Unlocks Every Door: Self-Esteem”
Hey there. I’ve been thinking about this for a while but do you think this obsession with keeping Black women’s self-esteem down has something to do with the backlash towards Black women and girls being portrayed as love interests or race-bent (Halle Bailey as Ariel, the mixed race women as love interests in Bridgeton, Sydney in The Bear having very clear chemistry with the male lead but many of the fans not wanting them to end up together, Shuri and Namor have clear chemistry but fans wanting her to be lesbian). It seems that this resentment is also coming from non-Black women who are stressed at the notion of Black women being a romantic/sexual threat to the point where they’re petitioning for these characters to be lesbian/asexual.
Even fictional black women and girls getting male attention, even Black male attention gets people in a tizzy. I saw discourse on Twitter about how Kang (Johnthan Majors’ character in the new Antman film) should end up with an elderly white woman over a biracial woman.
It seems that other communities understand the importance of representation, Black men do too and its causing paranoia whenever Black women and girls are showcased as beautiful, desired and not in a role where they are laboring.
I’m sure it does. Not to sound like a conspiracy theorist but every group/ demographic benefits from Black women having low self esteem. Specifically for non-BW , if BW are “in” then they are definitely “out”.
Its not a conspiracy theory at all. So much of the resentment I see from people on social media, a little search into their profiles and they are liking photos of Black women or showcasing resentment, envy over Black women’s features, or even talking about Black women think they’re too good for them.
A while back on Twitter there was an Indian woman on the right wing side of Twitter who kept posting pictures of beautiful black women and was clearly upset that the neo-N@zis she was desperate for found the women attractive. It was a daily thing for her until she was dragged into oblivion by black women.
I recently observed this with a Turkish man who was dragging black women all over social. media and he had been previously rejected by them. The same for a nutjob Arab who spends his time dragging Svmalian women because they keep refusing to marry him. I’ve never seen this level of entitlement and resentment towards other groups of women.
One thing I’ll say about social media is that you have to be cautious taking everything as fact. There’s millions of people behind fake profiles where the people involved are sometimes from the same community targeted so it’s not something I dedicate too much time to but you are right that not having access to BW, being rejected by one or being envious of one all seem to take a more extreme turn from men and women. I think part of this is anti blackness and feeling like these women should never be a threat in the first place or should always be accessible and also BM’s behaviour in some of these communities
You’re so right. Honestly, thank you so much for the insights you provide, it’s nice that someone else sees it because I thought I was going crazy noticing this. I wish more Black women and girls could find their way here because it’s so draining seeing them fall for the large-scale negging.
I’ve honestly always wondered why some people (especially men) seemingly felt so comfortable talking smack about black women. It just confuses me because as a black woman I would never go out of my way to bash another group of people because I just don’t care that much lol.
I mean I guess the misogynoir is just something we’re going to have to deal with, but I do wonder if there are ways to make people feel less comfortable bringing up our name everytime their angry on the internet.
Also, Annie, I totally get what you’re saying about the “she’s black so she much be a lesbian” thing that they do… I actually wrote about this last year. A while ago I thought it was maybe just a coincidence, however when people of the arcane fandom were trying to say the jayce is a “gay man” and isn’t actually attracted to Mel (a black female character that’s very feminine, articulate and smart) I definitely knew their was some misogynior in there. It’s genuinely Infuriating being in these fandoms because people refuse to acknowledge their biases, (the same way their doing with the live action little mermaid), and if anyone brings them up you’ll get gasit 9 times out of ten lol. But that honestly doesn’t matter because I’m still going to support halle regardless!
Anyways, thank you OTN for your content! You’ve honestly helped me view so many things in a different perspective and I’m very happy i came across you’re blog ♡
Thank you for reading. I have an article expressing my views on why misogynoir exists but in terms of making ”people feel less comfortable bringing up our name” I have some suggestions in that article but I think part of it is sharing less of our views and being more mysterious and keeping level up / BW centric content more secret, as well as no more back and forth. If a group doesn’t say things that trigger you and you rarely get to communicate with them unless you know them in your rl , it’s hard to speak on them. I feel like East Asian men are kind of this way, mysterious where they’re not all over online saying or doing that and so even though they probably think like other men, we don’t know and so many women were quick to think higher of them and embrace their media / music. Also legal repercussions would help
Yes I remember the Jayce, Mel, Viktor dibacle. It’s so typical of fandom to make straight male characters gay the moment they interact with a Black female character. The same happened with Bucky Barnes, he was being shipped with Black Widow but the moment he interacted with the Wakandans and Sam’s sister he suddenly HAD to be with Sam despite the same people being opposed to it before. Theyd rather he be with a Black man and gay than be straight with a Black woman. How can Black women be this triggering to people it’s so funny TT___TT. Also you wrote on this? Where? Do you also have a blog that you’d like support on?
Hi, just wanted to say I love your blog and it’s incredibly insightful especially as a Dark skin black girl . I definitely agree having high self esteem as a bw will take you soo soo far , you’ll stand out just because of being black and soo many doors will open for you . You should never limit yourself because you’re a bw because ” others won’t like you ” , I promise a lot of areas and places are much more accepting than you’d realise . Please keep blogging 💗
Yes. There is something very powerful about a black woman that loves herself. That’s why trolls and manosphere content creators are getting more wild with their degrading of black women and trying anything they can to lower our self-esteem. It’s because when people see a black woman who puts herself first and won’t be a caretaker for everyone else, they feel the need to put us back in “our place”. Telling us what we do/don’t deserve, what romantic partner we can/can’t have, etc.
Black women can be literal showstoppers when we put in work to improve and start embracing our hair and features. I love seeing Instagram posts of a black model walking down the streets of New York with her beautiful afro while everyone’s heads turn (I’m specifically referring to Sonia Barbie Tucker on Instagram). We have beauty and culture like no other. Plus our melanin allows us to age slower than other races of women. It’s laughable that society would try to fool us into believing our skin isn’t beautiful when it literally makes us age like fine wine.
Also, I completely agree that black women need to severely cut down on their social media usage. I mentioned Instagram before but I don’t use it to comment or socialize at all. I only use Instagram to like pictures of pretty black women then I log off. That’s it lol. All I follow are black female beauty pages. No shade room, no celebrity news, I don’t even follow other races or black men. All black women.
I’ve even created a little routine with it. Whenever I come across a trending search and it’s some controversy that involves black women and we’re being attacked, I may be triggered for about 2 minutes then move on. Then to take my mind off it, I hop on Instagram or Pinterest and look at pictures and gives me such encouragement. I personally prefer pinterest to Instagram because it’s a better site to find positive and beautiful images of black women. Partly because you can control what you want to see and it’s rare to see posts that you can comment on. So trolls are basically non-existent.
There’s no point in black women entertaining people’s nonsensical arguments. Everyone else only just serves as distractions to prevent black women from truly loving themselves. Just let people have their perceived victory and little internet points that mean nothing in the long-run. Get out there simply live your best life.