^ Although this article is not entirely spiritual, I’ve chosen this bible verse as the cornerstone of this post because in this passage Jesus is basically telling us to be “in” the world but not “of” the world and I think as Black Women, this is a very important thing to internalize and I will round out my thoughts coming back to this. I think this is a very important article to read/share because the Western BW has been so mentally and even spiritually attacked that what she see’s is possible for herself based on the narratives she’s internalized does not always align with what she could actually achieve.
Originally, I was inspired to write this post after a woman stated that Black Women need to be careful with what they speak over their lives. I’m sure most of us have come across some type of spiritual text that has concluded that what you speak over your life and believe about its trajectory will manifest in real-time. It’s very clear that most Black Women speak a lot of negativity over their lives/existence, specifically as it pertains to being a Black woman, such as “no one cares about us” or “we’re disposable” and I think to myself, what does this kind of mindset do and create in our lives. I remember Oprah doing a review on a book called “The Seat of the Soul” by Gary Zukav and I decided to read it a while back. In this book, he talks about this thing called “group think” where a whole group or demographic thinks a certain way and because they think this way, that influences how their life goes and this actually has a generational impact. Your negative beliefs will manifest in your life and if you think you can’t get something, you won’t and if another thinks she can, she will get it.
With me, when I make a generalizing statement about our experiences as Black Women and about Misogynoir, it’s to explain the issue so people have a greater understanding of it and feel better about it as they now know the source of the issue as opposed to causing unnecessary pain by just dwelling on it. I think you really have to be careful about the narratives you speak over yourself or internalize from others, for example, you could have been someone who had 2 boys who wanted to take you to the school dance but because another Black girl said she didn’t have any suitors and all the White girls did, all of a sudden you have to cling to the narrative of being undesirability and then this obviously alters your self-esteem and prevents you from seeking the best for yourself.
I try not to take on the reality of every Black Woman because experiences vary amongst all women. I recall even seeing a group on WeHeartIt highlighting Black beauty and the header said “they say we’re the least attractive, guess we have to prove them wrong” *face palm*. Does the creator of that group think she is helping Black Women with such a statement? If you have no hypotheses like I do explaining why BW’s desirability is questioned, it’s best not to contribute to such discussions. I would never say that as a Black Woman I’m unattractive or disposable because that’s not how I see myself and I choose to behave in a way and make choices that reflect how I view myself. The best thing you can do as a Black Woman is focus on yourself. If you think no one cares about Black Women, then you should solely focus on yourself or other Black Women. If you think Black Women are unprotected then you can start an initiative or ask yourself what choices you can make to make yourself less vulnerable etc.
You need to be very careful with the things you speak over your life and the lives of Black Women. If you’re not educating, bringing awareness to or giving advice, it can sometimes be damaging to speak on negative things.
Another aspect to look at is our romantic relationships. I remember speaking about how I felt that Black Women are paralyzed by failed relationships (paralyzed means to make powerless and unable to function) because of the narratives they internalize afterwards. I was randomly reading up on different women based on something I was doing, from actresses to fashion editors to singers. It became very apparent to me that when the woman was non-Black, most of these women had multiple partners / marriages:
I quickly spotted a difference because there were many non-Black Women who had one husband – didn’t work out, a 2nd husband – didn’t work out, another husband and then that would be their life partner but with Black Women, they would marry one man and then if it didn’t work out, she remained single for the rest of her days. I notice that after relationship failure, many Black Women become hoarders of information because she wants to know why her relationship failed and then she goes on the search and she begins to internalize these narratives about Black Women and marriage, shares them with other Black Women, and they trauma bond on the struggles of finding a good man (with emphasis on you being Black making this struggle greater) which obviously manifests in their lives. Due to the lack of self-esteem from internalizing these negative narratives, Black Women become an easy target for every kind of dating advice charlatan.
I remember thinking of Khloe Kardashian who stated on The Wendy Williams Show in 2011 that she preferred Black men. This is a woman who throughout her life has been with multiple Black Men. From one of her early Black bf’s who was on the show cheating on her, to Lamar Odom who was on drugs and visiting brothels to Tristan Thomas who was seen kissing another woman while she was giving birth and had a baby on her. So let’s dissect this. You are a White Woman and you’ve been in relationships with multiple Black men and they’ve all done you dirty but it’s 2022 and you still only date Black Men.
Another story that comes to mind which is known in the UK as she is now famous is a White Woman by the name of Katie Piper who was brutalized and then had acid thrown on her by her boyfriend and his friend who were both black/mixed race. She is now an activist/model and went on after the ordeal to marry a man who is black/mixed.
Can you imagine a Black Woman who has been with maybe 5 White men and during this time, the white men have visited brothels, used drugs or thrown acid on her? Do you really think a Black woman would continue to date White Men? Hell No. I’ve realized that this is because of the narratives we’re fed/ internalize as Black Women as opposed to the narratives fed/internalized by other races. This is why the title says Black Women are paralyzed by these narratives because someone like Khloe, even though disrespected by Black Men, society (including Black Women who sell Black Men to the masses) tells White/ non-Black Women that Black Men will put them on a pedestal. We’ve told them that Black men worship white skin and they believe those narratives no matter how badly they are treated:
To them when a man does them dirty, they think “this was just a bad Black guy (even if it’s 5 Black guys), I’m waiting on my good black guy”. Asian women definitely have this mindset with White Men as they are the only race of women who face more interracial than intraracial violence but they are on code and do not bring any light to those situations because they get some type of self-esteem from aligning with White men. We are not going to get an Asian Woman (no matter how woke she is) setting up her camera to discuss the Thai woman bludgeoned to death by her White husband because she knows the benefits her tribe aligning with White men has brought her and she is also aware of the shadow side of Asian men who are capable of doing the same.
I actually remember this Asian American girl tweet something like “You always see an Asian girl with a white loser” and was quick to say underneath after it gained popularity “I’m not saying date Asian men though!. These women stay on code… Many have been brutalized but they haven’t internalized narratives like Black women where we have been told from the outset that other men do not find us attractive and they will harm us. So if a Black woman is in a relationship with a White or Asian guy and it doesn’t work out, 80% of the time, she’s never going to date out of her race again because she has concluded that the main reason her relationship wasn’t successful or certain choices were made by her partner were solely because she is Black.
Every reader of my content knows my stance: Date whoever values you and can enhance your life regardless of race and you can see how the narratives we internalize paralyze us and prevent Black Women from seeking better for themselves or even seeking love altogether because a lot of you look at other races and say “they’re married more and have successful relationships” but you don’t see that she’s given love a chance 5 times or dated every race of man before finding her prince.
As a Black woman, you have to sit down and ask yourself what narratives have I internalized and are they helping or hindering me. Other women have such a healthier mindset where if someone does them dirty/harm, they don’t assume that it’s ONLY because of their race. It’s just, “I picked wrong or missed the signs but I can still find a nice man”. Unfortunately, with Black Women, we become very paralyzed by race, based on the narratives we’re told including, “no one values Black Women” or “all men are trash” and the thing that is so dangerous about Black Women and their thinking is that they often share these warped narratives. So a Black Woman will be with one black man, it didn’t work out and she decides to tell the masses “good luck finding a good man!” or a BW will date Brad but he cheated so she’s hell-bent on letting you know that these non-Black men see no value in you.
I remember I was watching a Black YouTuber who would from time to time make videos with her white boyfriend. It came to light that he had been unfaithful and for some reason, she had to make a video telling us that the girl he had cheated with was also Black (I also recall a comment stating “time to get yourself a black king” lol). She had to tell her audience that because of what Black Women internalize about their failed relationships or about how men (black or other) view them which I think is extremely unhealthy. Sometimes in life, you have to understand that as a Black Woman, not everything that happens to you in life is solely because you are Black and I just think that can be so unhealthy mentally.
Even for your mental health, if you think that people are doing things to you solely because of your race or skin tone or people are doing things to other women solely because of their race or skin tone, that can make you walk around feeling like your race/ skin tone is a curse because it’s something that causes harm and I just don’t think that’s healthy. We can understand that yes, in some cases, your race/skin tone causes people to respond to you in a certain way but it’s not healthy to think that every negative interaction or experience that happens to a BW or yourself is just because of your race.
There is not one bone in Khloe Kardashian that makes her think that because she’s a White woman, none of her partners took her seriously. You have to be very careful of what you internalize because narratives form the basis of our mindsets and our mindsets form the basis of our behavior. If you think no good men exist, they won’t. Other races think so differently and it’s no surprise that in the end they oftentimes find what they’re looking for or at least close to it.
In many areas, you can’t go further than your thoughts of what is possible. In dating, many Black Women sit in circles online or in real life and trauma bond about how terrible men are and I think this sometimes manifests in their lives. I’ve watched shows, where White Women would catch their husbands on kitchen countertops with other women and non-Black MOC are big users of escorts but you don’t see other women dwelling on these negative aspects of their relationships as much as Black Women dwell on the negative. For some reason, I always get this sense that Black Women think they are the only ones who have certain struggles or struggle at all even though we should know by now that’s not the case.
Just to make you think a bit, the actor Hugh Grant (who was caught slipping with a Black sex worker funnily enough) impregnated an Asian Woman, left her, and married a White woman the next month. Now if this was a Black Woman, what would the narrative be? and what would Black Women conclude? Do you think he didn’t want to marry her because she was Asian? Who knows but do you think such stories will influence the behavior of all Asian Women? Of course not.
I recall seeing Married at First sight Australia where this White guy basically says he isn’t interested in his “wife” because she’s Asian. Now I don’t know if this was a part of an agenda lol which we as BW can relate to where a white majority show pairs a WM with a WOC when that’s not his type. She was shocked and this is because of the narratives that exist in society that conclude that most WM are attracted to AW and so we rarely see the other side even though it exists. What I thought was, is she being told that likely to keep her away from pursuing White Men the way Black Women base their desirability on the opinions of random men and conclude everyone thinks like them? Probably not. No matter who you are, there will always be men who don’t find you attractive and I’ve explained here, why that’s more prevalent for Black Women but unfortunately such things have held many BW back in dating because of the narratives that exist surrounding our desirability and not understanding that it’s usually only certain types of men who would feel comfortable dating us due to a range of reasons but there are more than enough of those men in this world.
Even when we look at narratives surrounding Black Men and their contempt for Black Women, inaccurate conclusions are sometimes made. I have women in my family who frequent upscale areas and they’ve come across many wealthy South Asian men who are with Eastern European women (either cheating or actually dating them) and I remember coming across a wedding between an Indian man and a Russian woman and all these men were saying that she’s way more beautiful than any Bollywood actress they have. This dynamic is not as widely seen because SA men are not very desired and there is a gender imbalance in their community that is in favour of the women so many South Asian men are grateful to get any girl, Brown or not but there are serious colorism, white worshipping issues in such communities too.
I do not say this so Black Women can go back to prioritising Black Men or feel bad that white worship is widespread but the narrative that exists which is frequently shared by Black Women online is that “it’s only Black Men who don’t like their women” which makes many of you feel like sh*t but it is JUST NOT TRUE and I wish you guys could see. All WOC have these kinds of issues but because BM are more desired, the gender imbalance is in their favour and non-Black WOC make themselves accessible to other races, it’s more visible in our community. Please understand it’s never just you going through some of these issues.
For my Christian girlies, I recommend this video by TD Jakes or Dr. Claudette Anderson Copeland so you can understand the spiritual impact of internalizing negative narratives.
I believe that continually bringing light to negativity makes people only associate you with that. Look at Naomi Campbell, sure she discusses racism now but in the early days when she was dealing with it, she only focused on her work which is why she has such an iconic image. Nothing beneficial comes from constantly sharing negativity if you can’t do anything to change it because nobody cares and Black Women already live it so why not share some wisdom, advice or inspiration.
^ Source: The Little Black Book of Success: Laws of Leadership for Black Women
Take this as your sign to unfollow platforms that speak doom and gloom over the black female experience unless you want to see that in your life. Stay out of spaces that reinforce negative narratives about women that look like you. Also, look at every negative narrative you’ve internalized and create an opposing affirmation to meditate on daily.
To conclude, what I’m basically saying is that in multiple areas of our lives from dating, to our beauty, to our careers, we have internalized negative narratives which have paralyzed us from making optimal choices or brushing ourselves off after making a mistake like others do.
Many of you think that the negative narratives about us that others regurgitate are actually because of how we behave. As I explained in “Why Does Misogynoir Exist?”, there are a range of reasons people resent us. When some random Black man says we are masculine, we take it as true and so when there’s a new movie where the lead is a Black Woman in a masculine role, our chest tightens without understanding, that the man is probably saying that to lower our self-esteem to guarantee access. Don’t be controlled by narratives because unfortunately in this world, BW as a whole may never get the praise, they deserve so it’s best to focus on yourself and build a full life full of those who validate you.
I’ve made many posts explaining the underline reasons for a number of things (such as misogynoir or Black Women having certain labels) and you begin to see that this is not a very honest world and no one has to tell you that things seem upside down. Many people say it’s spiritual and we can see that people are driven by insecurity, fear or resentment to push certain narratives especially as it pertains to Black Women and so as a Black Woman you can’t rely on this world to tell you who you are and why would you want to, considering it’s clearly not operating at its best. You need to stop seeking validation from this world because it’s not going to tell you the truth about who you are and if you base your choices on what others tell you, you are unlikely to reach your full potential as a Black Woman. Imagine how your life would be if you didn’t internalise any narratives about what to expect from life because you are a BW? How would you move?
Don’t take this world and what it tells you about yourself too seriously. This is a finite journey. Make it worthwhile.
Be in this world but don’t be of it.
Recommended reading: Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz
Recommended viewing: Dylan James (his videos on self-concept/ affirmations) & audiobooks from @MasterKeySociety
OTN
4 thoughts on “Narratives are Ruining Black Women’s Lives | Be Careful About What You Internalize”
A Fantastic read. I felt very hopeful and optimistic after reading this! I always benefit from the insight you provide. I especially liked the Bible scripture, it really helped to bring across the message.
Thank you <3
Thank you for this. I’ve been reading a lot of your stuff (since twitter) and it’s been helping me with the pain and resentment I’ve been feeling. Could you maybe write something about how to improve self esteem for ds black girls? Like maybe things you’ve done or steps someone could take. I’ve been struggling with that lately
Thank you for the love & share what you resonate with to help others! I’m writing my next article already and although I’ve touched on self-esteem in different posts, I will definitely write something on it by the end of the year <3.