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The basis of desirability and why it’s called into question in regards to Black Women usually revolves around us being darker-skinned, our hair, our features and nowadays our personalities/femininity or lack thereof (which is somehow based on race).
I do believe the latter two are cover ups for what is really going on because it’s something no one can measure. If I randomly say “I don’t date Latino men because they have bad personalities”, no one can question me because we can’t measure personality. Stereotypes can be real or imaged but there’s a reason less men want to explore whether they are real or not when it comes to Black Women. All women are capable of having negative traits or being unattractive but this is overlooked when it comes to other races. No one seems to point out the flaws of other women and when they are unattractive, they are rarely attached with that label or just become invisible. At it’s core I think the reason for this is that amongst all men (black included) Black Women don’t behave/interact with them how they would like us to which is rooted in insecurity.
I spent most of my teenage years behind a beauty page that focused on Black Women. I am not saying that every single Black Woman looks like the women I would upload on this page but what became apparent to me was the diversity in Black beauty.
I think Black Women as a whole are the most diverse looking women, from Gambia to Jamaica, they can look nothing alike and so the statement of not finding Black Women attractive was always quite strange to me. I think Black Women should understand that desirability – which is based on the number of men seeking you (not individually, but in a societal context, where whole groups of women are known as desirable or undesirable) has little to do with beauty or even personality. I believe it has more to do with how certain types of women make men feel (their men but also men of other communities) and when I speak of men, I’m talking about what I refer to as “everyday men” (the average man you see day to day with insecurities that impact his choices in life) and this guy is most of the population. When the “average” guy likes you, you will be known as a desirable woman.
I’m going to explore a few different factors that I feel influence Black Women’s desirability being called into question (in the current day) or the real factors that influence why Black Women are not being sought after by as many men as others:
- Black Men and Their Choices/Options
Being known as a desirable woman is based on men in your community and other races of men. We of course have to start at home. I believe that because Black communities in the West are very vocal about racism, onlookers may be confused that some Black men who have access to all women; athletes, musicians etc. would choose to be with non-Black Women over Black Women and society (including BW) have internalised this as a sign that Black Women must be lacking something.
Along with the fact that many Western Black Men are lifelong bachelors (e.g. in America, 48% don’t marry any woman, of any race) and there are more Black Women than Black Men (other communities have the opposite gender imbalance) which obviously influences BW’s marriage rates, the optics are not great. This pushes a narrative that Black Women are undesired by the men in our community.
I think we need to look at some situational factors. When we conclude that a Black Man choosing to be with another race of woman means that Black Women are lacking something, this would suggest that a group like Filipino men (since Filipinas are very eager to date anyone who isn’t Filipino) are the worst men on the planet, worse than Pakistani or Mexican men, all men, they must be the worst partners. We’ve watched many documentaries about different communities and looked at the stats and we can probably conclude that Filipino men are not the worst men on the planet and that there is probably something personally going on with South-East Asian women and how they view themselves that pushes them to seek foreign men and so I’ve never seen Black Men’s choices as something to do with me (Black Men however want you to believe otherwise).
Another thing that the masses and Black Women especially don’t take into account is that non-Black women prefer Black Men to every other Man of Color. I remember a tweet by a confused Black Woman where a Black French footballer and his young pretty White wife was being used to mock an Egyptian footballer and his homely looking Egyptian wife. She retweets with “at least he likes his women” and although this Egyptian man is seen outside hotels in London with white women, this tweet went viral and was accepted by the masses as a logical statement.
Many of you may not know but many non-Black Men of Color pay for sex with white/other women while married to women of their background. Society is telling me that millions of single Asian men (because there is a gender imbalance) would rather be single than date outside their race because they just love Asian women so much. This is obviously not true and anyone who has been up close with these communities knows they also desire other races of women.
They just don’t have the opportunity like Black Men to execute these desires.
This kind of “your men don’t want you/ they’re the only ones who don’t like their women” narrative that exists because a Black Man may be with Becky but the Chinese man has a Chinese wife doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t see how we can compare 2 different outputs when the input isn’t the same (society loves doing this) and I need Black Women to understand that this doesn’t make sense.
2. What Black Men Prioritise When Dating
Another factor that contributes to us being known as undersirable is what Black Men Prioritise When Dating (bare in mind this is against a backdrop where Black Men have access to more women than other Men of Color).
I’ve used Elon Musk, the richest man in the world with one of his children’s mothers, musician Grimes and Pierre Thomas the CEO of Quality Control Music and 2 women he has a child with as a comparison.
When it comes to Black Men especially those born in the West (also men from other oppressed communities like Hispanics) they can oftentimes be very looks conscious – and when we say looks, we mean looks that align with the white beauty standard. The looks of oppressed people are sometimes all they have and back in the day having a certain look meant your life was easier than another person in your tribe and so this obsession still carries on today. When you don’t have generational wealth to pass down and find yourself as part of an underclass with a very harsh history, a woman’s hair texture, features and skin tone become the number 1 criteria when choosing a mate.
Unfortunately, there are many BW who now have insecurities about their beauty without understanding that it’s not that your features are ugly, but they are just not the features of those at the top of society (this is very telling if you look at societies like Brazil where the chance of seeing a successful Black Brazilian man with a Black Brazilian woman is close to none but in the UK, it’s still possible with a Dean Forbes for example even though there are way more Afro Brazilian women with an admixture or smaller features. This is solely because of the level of racism, poverty, and how low Black Brazilians are made to feel and so the men are desperate for status). So again, as we move through this article, I want you to understand that, many of the things affecting your “desirability” actually have nothing to do with you.
It is why you oftentimes see some White men who have access to all women with a White Woman who is very average looking. Not to generalise but most western Black Men see sex and looks that are in proximity to whiteness as their top criteria in a spouse. Because Black Men shame Black female sexuality so much (I explained in my article on marriage that this is because they see it as the cause of dysfunction in our community) Black Women are confused about this and think being the opposite will enable them to gain favour with Black Men which is not true and why the “your degrees don’t mean anything” narrative is so popular in black manosphere spaces.
This is why the richest Black American man saw it fit to marry an Eastern European playboy model. If you fulfil those 2 criteria, you have a chance with a Western Black Man of any status. This is why many women of other races who lack morals or education and have those 2 things refer to Black Men as “the easiest tricks” because this is all they have to bring to the table whereas other races of men appear to value other attributes.
Many Black Women naively think “I’m not just a big ass, I’ve got a degree and I’m an entrepreneur” but most Black Men don’t care about that unless they are opportunists. You’re competing on a base level with every other race of women on sex and proximity to whiteness (because they make themselves accessible to BM) in a white supremacist culture where Black Men have been subjugated and rarely have a seat at the table. If you don’t win the competition, many of you begin to think it’s how you come across or your beauty must be lacklustre when it’s probably just that you aren’t in proximity to whiteness (this doesn’t always mean being white but can influence preference for certain skin tones, hair types, features etc. but we can even look at how many Black Women decide to stay as far away from whiteness as possible, for example even an Asian man can feel close proximity to whiteness through his own women because they align so much with White Men). Based on our history and the world we live in, in no way am I surprised that Black Men are receptive to the attention they get from other races of women that other men don’t get.
What Black Women need to understand is that the biggest factors that influence who a man dates oftentimes have little to do with the actual woman. Black women in large don’t make themselves accessible to men who value more than proximity to whiteness so this projects a negative, sometimes desperate image (no race praises their counterparts like we do) because they focus on men (not all BM but enough) who value proximity to whiteness and actually have access to those women.
… Many of you will say but nonblack men also greatly influence this “undesirable” label and so we must dissect that also:
3. How Desirability is Measured
Data from dating sites have oftentimes been used as a barometer of desirability. It’s regularly been highlighted from a US based study from OKCupid that Black Women were responded to the least on the dating site in comparison to Asian, White and Hispanic. This study that was conducted on 30,000 Americans has been used as a “Look black women, you’re clearly not desired by men because you got the least interaction”:
Remember, dating apps are often a place where men look for hook-ups, they are not marriage apps and despite BW’s “hypersexual” image or the fact that women of other races especially WW engage with BM sexually, there were men, with WM leading the pack who had no interest in seeking BW on this app, not even for “flings”. Is it not somewhat strange that the WM using this app didn’t even want to attempt to respond to the BW just to get in their pants ( see point 4.)
These charts raise many questions but one thing I want to note is that Asian women come out on top (the oriental kind since it’s US based). I don’t want to come across as picking holes in their desirability but I need a clear comparison so my conclusions can have life. So diving into Asian Women, they are considered very desirable women meaning that men of all races want to be with them, seek them out and want to be around them. I’m not saying AW are an ideal type in every community but we’re talking about being known by all people as being desirable and what I’m talking about is a pre-K-Pop thing so we can’t just say it’s media. This has been a decade long narrative even when Asian women had very little representation, society has accepted that AW are desirable and we are undesirable.
However, there are a few things about Asian women that don’t align with what society tells us is attractive:
This includes things like excessive plastic surgery. There would be no way in hell that Black Women could be getting that level of facial surgery and be considered beauties. I def don’t think this way but in our white supremacist culture we are told that smaller finer facial features are more attractive and this is especially drilled into black women that certain features make you ugly to men but for other women it doesn’t seem to be that impactful. Also, AW probably have the least curves and apparently, it is scientifically proven that curves are more attractive to men on a primal level because it symbolizes fertility. Even when you look at pin-up art or AI-generated art created by all races depicting their dream woman, she’s 90% of the time extremely voluptuous. This preference for curvy women has never translated to black women being “sought after” by all and even if most black women are not receptive to other races of men (i’ll come back to this) even in general chatter about attractive physical features, black women aren’t always a part of that discussion.
Even Madonna has a BBL now and before BBL’s took over all races of women, literally only some women from African women possessed that shape (small waist/big booty in combination) naturally and now that it has been adopted by all races of women it’s something all men love and I’m not saying men don’t love that in black women but it’s strange that something is now embraced on other races but there was a point where only one type of woman had that but it was never embraced by all. We also as black people know that there are groups of us who have very small/narrow features that align with the white beauty standard:
I’ve never really heard a non-black guy say “you know what black women are not attractive but Ethiopian women are just so pretty” and that’s because they are still black and it’s not about features.
[Just a little key to my BW, that if there is a space (fandoms, manosphere, dating apps etc.) where Asian women are pedestalised over all women, that is not a space where you will thrive because it gives a clue about how those men see themselves and what they are looking for.]
No matter how questionable I find the study, when something is measure/ranked, there is always someone/something who will be at the bottom of the rank but that doesn’t mean that it’s completely at 0, it’s just less than others and someone else’s larger pool of suitors doesn’t mean it’s of better quality – I mean just look at some of the men out here lol. Even with Asian men and their “least desired label”, we clearly see with the growth of certain media that there are many women of all races who find them attractive – particularly East Asian men…
There’s a long-standing label on Asian women as women who men gravitate to and so this suggests to me that there must be more than having voluptuous curves or a pointy nose when it comes to men wanting to seek you out and I’m sure we can accept that and so what is this desirability about? We want access to it. Teach us your ways! Unfortunately, we have some black women who are wasting their time watching 100 femininity videos by non-black women and so they’re asking Anna Bey, “how did you bag that rich MOC” or asking Asian women “how did that nerd pay for your condo?” (I actually remember seeing Black girls on Tumblr asking this Asian sugar baby how they could use their stereotypes to seduce men because they were only aware of negatives and her responses were always condescending and she clearly had no interest in helping BW in that space but why would she? lol it’s a dog-eat-dog world nor do these women actually have many tips that would benefit you)
I want to note that this concept of femininity is a cover-up for satiating a man’s insecurities. Men who want to be women are said to have “an inner Black Woman” but you are the most masculine? If there was a black woman and let’s say she’s meeting what society is telling us is attractive, great curves, lighter complexion, small features and is soft and submissive, would she have all races of men running to her? Would she have all men swiping right on this submissive black beauty? Nope…
Then we will bring up racism but I want black women to understand that there is actually a greater incentive for non-black men to want to find beauty in you as a black woman because of how some of their women behave in regards to black men. It’s natural to look at the counterpart of who your women like and again even if the door isn’t always open from black women, just in general chatter they should want to find beauty in you but we don’t see that and so something must be blocking it and so we will move on to the real main blocker, and move past the fake narratives:
4. How non-Black Men View Themselves in Comparison to Black Men
Now what I will say sometimes triggers Black Women, especially divested Black Women because they are tired of putting Black Men on a pedestal (that they feel they don’t deserve to be placed on) but if we don’t acknowledge this, we will find ourselves confused and making poor choices in men. I’ve noticed many surface level statements like “of course White men aren’t triggered by Black Men, they own the world” and I think admitting that many Non-Black Men feel insecure when it comes to Black Men, doesn’t make Black Women who are becoming more open to other races feel that good because we’ve always been indoctrinated with narratives that our genes are superior and Black Men are the archetype of masculinity and this, in part is why many Black Women have little interest in other races because they see this.
When it comes to any regular non-Black guy, many of them feel some type of inferiority to Black Men due to real or imagined stereotypes surrounding Black Men’s sexual prowess. This was even the root of a lot of racism in the West (still is), as there was an obsession with Black Men’s phallus and the relationship between Black Men and White Women (such relations were even responsible for the Tulsa Black Wall Street massacre which is considered the single worst incident[s] of racial violence in American history). For some reason, many don’t look at this as a factor influencing the desirability of Black Women.
I don’t think most men feel inferior to other races of men (specifically sexually which is very important to men) and so you can see that who our counterparts are, influences our desirability. The type of men on social media and on dating apps are who people go to, to gauge who is attractive and who is not. They see the regular guy who lives in a multicultural society with a part-time job who goes to the gym once in a while in an attempt to be more muscular and attractive. He makes a video saying he finds White/ Asian women attractive but Black Women unattractive and no one questions his position in society or how he feels about other races of men. I feel like certain women make men feel more superior than they actually are and Black Women do not do that…
When discussing this particular factor, I usually will focus on White Men but what I discuss applies to non-Black men of color but I focus on White Men because in a white supremacist society it is very clear that as a woman of color, to be considered desirable in this society, you must make yourself accessible to White Men (also due to proximity, colorism and where multi-cultural societies exist, we cannot discuss interracial dating without White Men).
Many Black Women have experienced the inferiority of these men first-hand, being asked on dates whether they have been with Black Men or their dates discussing a Black Man’s penis. Even in an industry like sex work or being a sugar baby, Black Women in this industry are asked, “Have you slept with a Black Man before?”. Now, this is a man willing to give money to a Black Woman so the “he’s just racist” argument doesn’t hold weight but he’s still curious as to whether she’s slept with a Black Man before. What do you think is the reason for this? Many non-Black men ask their women the same thing but of course, this could be rooted in racism.
Back to Asian Women who are considered extremely desirable women. I don’t think any White Man on this planet is dating or pursuing an Asian Woman and has asked her “Have you dated an Asian guy before?”. I don’t think there is a White Man dating an Asian Woman and is worried that she has dated Asian Men in the past and those men have given her an amazing sexual experience (they may have but that doesn’t cross his mind).
Now let’s compare to Black Women, being asked if they’ve dated Black Men and seeing their White / Non-Black dates shrink in the presence of random Black Men. The reality is that there is an insecurity in regular men that his Black girlfriend has had better sexual experiences or that he won’t be able to measure up (this is the root of the obsession with virgins in many cultures).
^ Most men watch porn and the “BBC” imagery is rampant in pornography. Asian men are almost non-existent in western pornography.
^ A very honest anonymous White Man on Quora answers “Why are WW/BM couples more common than WM/BW couples?”
I’ve seen men on forums say that they believe black women want a “hung man”, and that they believe a BW would never truly be satisfied with them sexually. It should be understood that feeling triggered like this isn’t a positive experience for a man and men don’t want to feel insecure in a relationship and studies have found that the fear of not being masculine is greater than the fear of death in men. For some reason, this hasn’t been explored to explain why some women are more “desired” than others. I think it’s interesting that all races of men on dating apps gravitate to women who apparently have counterparts with the smallest penis and the smallest number of men gravitate to women whose counterparts apparently have the largest penises.
I’m in the debunking mood and a narrative I often see is that White Men do not want half-Black children and would prefer half Asian children who are paler and smarter (the smartest immigrant group are Nigerians but again some narratives are pushed harder than others due to in part what I’m explaining in this blog post but also the media). One question I have about this is why don’t White Women (raised in the same environment as WM) want smart and pale children?
< Non-Black Women, specifically White & Hispanic Women are well known for fetishizing mixed (half Black) children while at the same time having contempt for Black/Mixed Women.
I will never forget a mixed friend of mine telling me she was mean mugged by a White Woman pushing a mixed baby in a stroller.
Why don’t most non-Black Women want children from so-called respected Asian cultures? There’s millions of single Asian men who I’m sure would be down for it. We understand that here there is a sexual element as to why they seek Black Men more than others due to the Mandingo stereotype but with White Men, the sexual element isn’t explored as much. Black Women are extremely hypersexualised but the difference here is that they believe that they can please Asian Women sexually more than any other woman (even if they can’t). For men, the sexual element in a relationship is the ability to please a woman and for women, it is the ability to receive pleasure.
LMAOO but seriously, in the words of Kanye, it’s honestly demonic to me when a group of women feel like fewer men pursue them than other races because they are lacking in this or that when the real reason some men wouldn’t pursue them (REGARDLESS of their looks/personality) has nothing to do with them.
4 thoughts on “Black Women, Dating & Desirability | Explaining Black Women’s Desirability in Dating [Part 1]”
This post is really insightful, and it has helped me to not view my desirability as a direct reflection of my total value. I noticed that you mention the unique appeals of different races of women. Aside from our physical features, are there any positive stereotypes that black women specifically have that we can use to our advantage?
Thank you and stay tuned because this area is of great interest to me. I will have an article in the future that will include the word “game” in the title where I will talk about what Black Women offer that others don’t.
I would love to do a guest post.
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