I regularly talk about the phenomena of making Black Women feel less about themselves.
A situation that brought this idea back into my mind was when Gabourey Sidibe (the actress) got engaged. She has been the butt of many jokes, most famously, Kanye West in Mercy states that his (ex?) White wife Kim K makes your wife look like her, suggesting that she’s that unattractive. She got engaged to a White Man and she is clearly not a conventionally attractive woman due to the standards of our society and looking at some of the think pieces in response to the attention her engagement was getting, it was clear that many people didn’t understand why it was an issue. Some were saying that it was because she was going to marry a White Man and of course that’s somewhat an issue but the main thing about Gabourey being proposed to was that a man saw someone who looked like her as worthy of marriage.
Men have tried to make women but Black Women specifically feel that if they don’t look like a Barbie Doll, behave like a doormat/slave or “catch up” to other races of women then we will not be seen as worthy of marriage and many Black Women internalize these things so when we see a Black Woman like Gabourey – an overweight, dark-skinned, non-conventional woman being seen as worthy of marriage, this shakes the table for those men who have a vested interest in Black Women feeling as low about themselves as possible. It’s not about Gabourey because we can agree that for most Black Men, she is not their ideal type. It’s not like she’s Rihanna, where men would be upset, thinking “ugh, why isn’t she marrying a Black Man”, it’s not about that. What it’s about is that there’s a Black Woman somewhere who is seeing this and she doesn’t look like Gabourey, she may align more with the beauty standards of our community – small waist, curves, smooth skin, etc. and she may think to herself “damn, if Gabourey is worthy of marriage then I must be”. Even worse, no Black Man on this planet wants a Black Woman walking around thinking that there’s a Non-Black Man who finds her attractive and so to have someone like Gabourey, and a White Man does find her attractive and even worthy of marriage; this is a problem for them because this is empowering Black Women when it comes to what is expected of them (especially visually) to get a ring.
Since the beginning of time, men have wanted to control women because they want to ensure access to women. In the global south, men still control women and that’s why some men in the West are all about “get your passport!” because they want to be a part of that system where women have no control over their reproductive system and some can’t even go to a club alone. Even in places that are considered beacons of the world like Japan, there was an incident where a Tokyo medical school changed test scores to keep women out. Their reasoning was that these women tend to quit their jobs after getting married but when we look closer, if women can’t get good jobs, then the first thing on their mind is finding a husband. In other countries, where women can’t drive or go to certain places without a man, this places a man at the top of a woman’s list and guarantee’s that the men in those countries have access to those women. Women are very powerful and I don’t think we truly understand the extent to how powerful we are. We don’t see the desperation men have to access women (the sex work industry is flourishing) and the lengths they will go to control women. The desire to have a woman is the #1 desire in men.
For most Western Black Women, we don’t have that structure because we are very educated, some of us have our own businesses, and also seeing some women even raise whole families by themselves makes some Black Women less reliant on a man and less likely to sit through bs with a man; whether this is beneficial or not is for another blog post.
As a result, the average Western Black Men like every other man who needs a woman thinks to himself, what do I need to do to maintain access to Black Women? What they did/ do in my eyes no one does as much as them and I’m not saying Black Men are the worst of men but I compare it to the motion of hitting a tennis ball against a wall from different angles in terms of their ability to degrade and praise Black Women at the same time. I don’t think many Black Women see that the way Black Men communicate with Black Women is above the norm e.g., referring to us as Goddesses and Queens. Some of us look at this as a sign of them valuing us as other races usually don’t praise their women as much. I don’t think I’ve ever seen an Asian Man refer to a random Asian Woman as a Queen or seen White Men say White Women are the best of all women but this is a double-edged sword because as soon as they praise us, they degrade us. They hit the ball to the wall with “Black Women are so strong” and comes back with “Black Women are combative”.
But specifically, when it comes to Black Men, their desire to rob Black Women of their self-esteem at its core is about this concept called standards.
Most Black Women desire a Black partner (due to a range of factors beyond attraction) so it isn’t just about access to women but the type of Black Woman a Black Man (of all levels) wants access to and we must note here that most Black Men don’t have the means to control women like wealthy men in other communities so they’ve used many different means to tell Black Women to lower their standards so they can access the type of Black Women they want.
^This permeates all aspects of popular culture. From Black movies where the Black female Doctor ends up falling for the Black cab driver or in magazines telling Black Women to give the average Black guy a chance and stop being idealistic as you see with the Essence article. I wonder if magazines that are targeted at other races of women have these narratives. Watch out for the conditioning!
^ Charlatans like Kevin Samuels a.k.a “Mr. Average at Best” (do not give such individuals views and I don’t think their content should be taken lightly considering it puts women in danger) have built a huge platform under the guise of helping Black Women find “high-value men” but at its core, he and the whole manosphere is trying to convince men that this being (women) who hurts and triggers you is actually not worth much, to make them feel better and this is always easier to do with BW and so KS is telling Black Women (subconsciously) that they are inherently not able to have standards for men (to the level of other races) because they are Black (what he throws insults at clearly has a racial undertone & most BM don’t mind dating overweight nonBlack Women or playing stepdad to their kids). If one Black man can suggest that Black Women are scientifically more unattractive than any other race and then say “Most Black Men want a Black wife” (they want ugly women? 
) you should know that many Black Men’s main aim is to lower your self-esteem in the hopes that it will guarantee access to you (negging on a mass level).
I even came across a Black Man on Tumblr whose blog consisted of sharing images of semi-naked women. EVERY image he posted was 90% Asian women and the rest White/ Hispanics but his likes were visible where 90% of the women were Black. I interpreted this as someone who wants to enjoy the appearance/attributes of Black Women but doesn’t want to elevate us (they don’t want you to feel too good so why do you elevate these men?).
Also, something I’ve recently noticed is that when a Black Woman is occupying another space (i.e., marrying into a community of Hasidic Jews) or doing extremely well for herself (i.e., a ceiling breaker married to a billionaire) Black (American men specifically) try to take her Blackness away by suggesting she’s mixed or African/Caribbean and therefore it cannot happen to Black American women (BW with low self-esteem do this too tbh). Please stay woke. I hope when I flex on this world, no Black American man comes out of the woodwork to say it’s because I’m “African” and it can’t happen for women from other parts of the world. Black is Black.
The reality of the situation is ignored:
We have a huge issue in the Western Black community when it comes to this thing called standards because on one end, we need to choose better by having higher standards and stop dating thugs and date the regular socially awkward geeks (who can also be misogynistic weirdos but at least he’s not a criminal) but if your standards are too high to where most Black Men can’t reach them, then that’s also a problem and so there’s this contradiction between keeping the standards reachable but not too low. We are the blame for their failures but also responsible for enabling them to do better so trying to navigate these competing demands is very stressful for the average Black Woman. It’s “give a regular n*gga a chance” until those women who give him a chance end up single mothers and then they’re “soiled baby mama’s” who should have known better and “that’s why other races of women are better”. As Black Women, you have to understand that the consequences of anything you are a part of will solely be blamed on you and so it’s important to prioritize your own needs as the main driver in your decision making as to who you partner with.
The whole manosphere concept of “hitting the wall” at 30 and becoming sexually worthless afterwards LOL is another way men use fear to try and maintain access to women:
If you’ve ever worked in an environment where you could see age/household setup, you will know that there’s no one more miserable than a single man 50+, while the kindest usually had partners. Many single men are miserable and so men have to create ways to maintain access to women and that’s why if you make that access harder as a woman, you become enemy #1 (why discretion is needed when you level up).
I’ve even recently become aware that the stats on 30+ pregnancies being highly undesirable were based on birth records between 1670 and 1830. Studies of more modern populations found fairly high fertility in women in their late 30s and about 80 percent of women aged 35-39 will get pregnant naturally in a year of trying. A lot of men don’t want to be 70 and alone and a lot of women are providing them with companionship and children with nothing in return because they’ve fallen for these tactics.
I’m not suggesting that we younger women shouldn’t prepare early if we desire children but I just want you to see the lengths men and male-identified women have gone to strike fear into women.
I don’t want to be a conspiracy theorist or push this idea that everyone is out to get us but we should understand that no one as a whole, benefits from Black Women thinking highly of themselves and no one has a vested interest in Black Women thinking highly of themselves, whether it’s a Latino Woman, whether it’s a Black Man, whether it’s an Asian Woman, whether it’s a White Man. In my article “Why Does Misogynoir Exist?” I talk about the resentment towards Black Women from all races of men and why they don’t have an incentive to make Black Women feel good the way they may make other races feel good because we don’t (as a whole) make them feel good (as a whole).
Women are very powerful and have a great affect on how men feel about themselves and so through different means, men don’t want us to be aware of this. I mean have you ever seen how pressed some lone men are when they see a man coupled up. The envy. Don’t let men confuse you. If all women had control over every aspect of their lives and we banded together and said that no sex would be had until everyone had been vaccinated, by the end of the month, every straight man would be vaccinated.
^ As difficult as it would be as we live in a patriarchy, throughout history many women have used their bodies for change.
Men fear us knowing we are that powerful and Black Women appear to be the easiest targets when it comes to stripping someone of their power because of a range of factors such as us being hyper-visible and vocal on several triggering topics but also because of colorism and certain imbalances (e.g. there being more Black Women than Black Men in the US) that can be used against Black Women to get us to behave how men want us to behave compared to other races where the imbalances are in their favor or they don’t show loyalty to a specific group of men. The desire to strip Black Women of their self-esteem is very real. For example, you may watch a YouTube video and it’s a “girlfriend tag” involving a Black Man and a White Woman or a video where this coupling is discussing their relationship and there will be a random Black Man in the comments and he writes something like “this is cool my brother but I prefer Black Women” and this man will be draggeddddd. Even on random videos, a Black Man will state he prefers Black Women and he will be draggeddddd and called a simp. A Black Man who makes it known that he solely prefers Black Women is oftentimes insulted. Why? They don’t want Black Women to feel too good, empowered, or feel like we have access to that feminine power. I’m sure we’ve all seen how men react to anything that empowers Black Women, whether it be Beyonce or an Instagram filter. I’ve come across many wise older women who would talk about this desire to humble mono racial Black Women and I’m sure you can all recall the snatching off wigs situation. They don’t want you to feel like you have that feminine power like other races but you are the original woman! I don’t walk around thinking I’m superior to every other woman because the original woman is closer to what I see in my reflection than others but if I’m not superior to anyone then no one is superior to me.
As a Black Woman, you have to sometimes move in a way based on what you need to do as opposed to how you feel. From every angle, there is some degree of resentment (I address in “Why Does Misogynoir Exists?) and naturally you may internalise some of these things. Luckily, I haven’t because I do believe I have a gift to see things how they truly are. Many of you may internalise some of these negative things and therefore you shouldn’t move on how you feel if this is the case. You may feel less than others or not good enough for certain things and so you should focus on what you have to do as an individual to enhance your life and seek those things confidently. You must remember that if there is such an effort to strip you of your self-esteem then building it up is like armour and there must be great power in being a confident Black Woman.
OTN
5 thoughts on “They Don’t Want You to Have Self-Esteem”
Another great article! Thank You!
Thank you for reading! x
Beautiful written. Of course I read from start to finish. I am learning so much.
Thank you! <3
Really thoughtful article.