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We’re aware of the saying “she’s got game” which is used to describe women who have success in dating and know how to seduce men. Basically, those women know what makes men insecure and use that to their benefit.
When I speak of bringing something to the table (which men in our community constantly speak about), it means what benefit do you bring to a man that would make him want to be committed to you. There are millions of women we are competing against for the affection of the man we desire but women who have game use what they intrinsically have to differentiate themselves from other women to get the type of man they want (wealthy, kind, powerful etc) and I’ll explore what these things are.
Disclaimer: I’m one woman giving my opinion on dating as a Black Woman and the psyche of men. You don’t have to agree with everything I say and I’m not preaching anything. This is just what I see.
I believe a prerequisite to this article would be reading “Black Women, Dating & Desirability” part 1/2 just so you can get a basis on my views on why our desirability is questioned and why certain types of men prefer Black Women and why others don’t.
Firstly, when we talk about things women have intrinsically (i.e. tools to bring to the dating game) that sets them apart from others, we will begin with (1) RACE:
Interracial dating is a big part of game for women. I’ve seen BW immaturely make statements about non-Black women like “with all that privilege, why the hell would she date a black guy?” but those women know that she can use what she intrinsically has – skin tone, ethnicity etc. to separate herself from the other women that usually pursue that man. Even in the Art of Seduction by Robert Greene, he states how one of the easiest men to seduce are those he calls “The Exotic Fetishist” – people who are obsessed with the new/exotic and think that their exhilaration is far outside themselves; coming from something foreign.
As I discuss in my article on interracial dating, BW have the ability to make other races of men feel like men because when it comes to masculinity, BM embody that more than others and other races of women prefer BM to other MOC and so men usually look to the counterpart of what their women like (us) unless they are insecure but most men at the top (who we should be looking to) who are successful/content are not as insecure and so there’s definitely space for BW to excel in this area. We just don’t put anyone on a pedestal so we really have that ability to make men feel like the top dog.
Another thing is that as a BW, you can give them kids that will embody the positive aspects of blackness. You can give them sons who will be masculine, great musicians or athletes (Most men have a huge affinity for sportsmen).
It’s hard for me to believe that most men would desire an Asian or Hispanic son (this is not to be offensive but an assumption I’ve made based on society’s views and most men don’t look up to Asian or Hispanic men the way they would revere a Kobe) and you have to understand the huge difference in what men want in a wife and what they want in a daughter. The traits that we see as negative in BW (being strong, independent) are traits many would love in their daughters as opposed to them being docile and overly accessible. This is how in dating you can flip the negatives and make them a positive. Sure, men do not want strong independent wives, but they want strong independent daughters. I had a first-hand experience with a White man and his Eurasian son who was very socially inept and the dynamic was very off and this is often shared on forums where Eurasian kids discuss their hardships of being the product of these unions. Some men don’t think this far when seeking a partner but you can hint at it. Every woman sells herself and you can subconsciously hint to these non-Black men who have the ability to enhance your life, that you can give them a future Lewis Hamilton.
(2) STEREOTYPES:
[Hypersexuality] In this problematic video where the porn stars are discussing their preferences that I linked in my previous article on interracial relationships to make a point on colorism, one of the men says “darker black women have hotter pussys” :/. Now as BW we are disgusted and we don’t want to be spoken about that way but sex takes up a large part of a man’s mind. As women, we all have the same one vagina lol (even the other guy says, oh yeah darker women have hotter pussy’s or maybe it’s a psychological thing from seeing the contrast in skin tone – see how some of these things are imagined but still separate you from other women) but when you have game, you’re able to use these racial stereotypes to differentiate yourself. Yes, some of these stereotypes are/were rooted in negativity but like any alchemist, we should be able to transform what is negative into something that’s beneficial for us.
As I’ve quoted before, many BW have a strange relationship with sex from trauma-based hypersexuality to abstaining altogether due to past toxic relationships, conservativeness, guilt, abuse etc. which all leads to BW craving intimacy from wherever they can get it.
[Not to go off-topic but this is an important area for BW to think about. I came across an article on Black Ballad on “The Path To Unlearning Sexual Shame”. It had some great ideas that I want to highlight below but I will not link it, as I believe the article demotes marriage, clearly because it was written from a Nigerian-UK point of view where marriage is held to a high standard but for Western women, I cannot endorse that. Key aspects of the article include:
“When you mentally place marriage as the only way you think sex shall be guilt-free, you inevitably disempower yourself by giving the power of your body and mind to another person. You end up living your life as though your body is a land that you are merely leasing until the real landowner comes to take full ownership of his ‘rightful’ property.”
“If you teach a young girl that her desires are ‘bad’ and sex makes her ‘promiscuous’, it shouldn’t be surprising when these teachings follow her into marriage. I do think that when women decide to be celibate or sex-free outside the doctrine of sexual purity or adjacent beliefs, it is one of the most powerful things. Because then, you truly learn that you don’t have to say yes to every sexual advance if it doesn’t feel right to your soul and if you don’t feel respected.”
“The most powerful thing a woman can do for her mind and agency is to understand that her body is hers and hers alone.”]
For BW getting in touch with their sexuality, I do recommend therapy and/or masturbation and I think it’ll help younger girls (18-22) to use their sexuality for their benefit instead of dropping their pants for any man who blows on their neck because they’ve never connected to their bodies in such a way, oftentimes leading to single motherhood which execrates many issues as I explain here. Those of us in touch with our sexuality in a healthy way can use our race to make our vaginas appear special and I feel no way saying that lol *shrugs*.
However, I will say that with Black men, playing on the hypersexual stereotype is difficult because they associate our sexuality with disfunction and BW have politicised themselves to such an extent that many BM don’t see BW as very sexual beyond the media. Many have made comments like they seek WW because they “give head” or do this and that. I think when dating BM, the key is to reconnect with your feminine nature and deal with any problematic thoughts you have around sex that prevent you from being comfortable in your sexuality.
Because Black Men specifically shame sexual Black Women so much, it confuses BW and makes them think that being a “good girl” or super successful and educated will give them brownie points but as I stated here, BM don’t really care about that (unless they are opportunists), they are more focused on a woman’s looks and sensuality so it’s important to connect with your sexuality in a healthy/fun way. From what I see this is a little different with other races of men as they also value looks/sensuality but will see an educated/ successful woman in a better light as they value other attributes in a woman.
Also, I feel like Western women sometimes get a bad rap (of course oftentimes from dusty men but nonetheless… lol) and so if you have foreign ancestry (direct Caribbean/African ancestry) and you live in the West, you can play up to the positive aspects of being a woman from those regions, exoticize yourself (through music, makeup, clothes, accessories, etc. which will intrigue your partner) and separate yourself from the negative narratives Western women may have. Also being from the Global South enables you to “Play the damsel” and most men want to play the “hero”. Trigger the savior complex in men by highlighting the experiences of women from those regions. Also, use your ethnicity when you want people to engage with you in a way that differs from how people may assume you like to be treated. E.g., If you expect marriage in 3 years but are in an environment where BW don’t demand that, put it on your “Senegalese” etc. background and say that’s your norm.
(3) AGE:
Youth is scientifically proven to be very attractive to men and we know that for the most part, if there’s 2 women with very similar credentials, 1 is 28, the other 48, most men would gravitate to the younger lady.
Even the Xerox CEO Ursula Burns, when asked what advice she has for young women, stated ‘marry someone 20 years older’. Now it doesn’t have to be 20 years :/ but as her husband was an older engineer, he was able to retire and look after their children while she climbed the corporate ladder, literally becoming the 1st black woman to be a CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Ursula is not a conventional beauty in our community but by marrying older she was able to have the life she desired- married to a quality man (31 years till his death), children and career success. Also, I recall the words of Sade Okoya who upgraded her life after marrying her billionaire husband, stating: ”My marriage wouldn’t have lasted if I had married a younger man”. Using these factors (age, race etc.) you are able to have the life you want even when people suggest otherwise. It may just look a bit different than what you imagined as a child.
Asian Women are very successful in dating, partly because their counterparts don’t invoke insecurity in other men but a huge reason is that they are very good at using certain tools to differentiate themselves from other women. They often use race/age/stereotypes in combination to get what they want (a wealthy, high-status, or just a foreign man who they view as better). When you desire a very top-tier man – millionaire/billionaire level, you oftentimes will have to use these factors in combination to increase your chances of obtaining one.
Some of the richest BM have young non-black wives because those women capitalised on race/age to get a bag. However, I’ve noticed that even when billionaires marry BW, they are usually older and BW get married later than other races. I’m not too sure why there is a lot of negativity (in the West!) surrounding a younger Black woman using her youth to seduce an older man. I notice that this is frowned upon in the western black community and those women are shamed/called gold diggers (in other communities, the women will comment “goals”) which probably contributes to the marriage rate in our community. I would love for us to ponder on why it is frowned upon, even when it’s a mere 5-year difference. On one level I think it’s partly because of the predatory behaviour you see in the hood where some old dusty has exploited women all his life and now wants a fresh young girl to prey on in relationships that are rarely healthy (but again I write for women that avoid dusty men whether young or old) but on the other hand I also think that because BW usually marry later, some older BW have some type of resentment towards that dynamic because they don’t want to compete with young women and so they don’t teach their daughters this game and shame women with older partners unlike in Asian communities who are taught the power of youth and embrace it, even to an ott level.
[Pictured: 91 yo Billionaire investor George Soros and his 50 yo wife Tamiko Bolton. 59 yo filmmaker Robert Minkoff and his wife 36 yo Crystal Kung Minkoff , Keith Hefner, brother of Hugh Hefner (who has now passed) and his final wife Caya Hefner]
^ I’m sure you’ve regularly come across couples that look like this and they’ve occured for a very long time (i.e Yul Brynner and his Malaysian wife 36 years his junior) and what I speak about is not related to the sexpat dynamic which is gross and nothing to praise but about educated Asian American women who actively seek out these men. Some of these gaps are extreme but again, AW will do what they have to, to get what they want.
[I also think this it’s partly because Asian (and other races of) women are less comfortable being with men who don’t view them as a prize than Black Women are (because of the narratives we internalize that have conditioned us to accept a lowly position) and therefore will go anywhere to find that treatment.]
They think to themselves, I’m young and exotic and I can find an older, usually nerdy white man to upgrade me. There may be many pretty white women out there (which most AW have a complex about) but it would probably be those closer to his age interested in him and so when Ming Lee pops up 10 years, 20 years and even 30 years younger, she stands out and Ming knows that. One could ask themselves, if these wealthy White Men were younger (or not lacking in other areas as I eluded to in my desirability article), they probably wouldn’t date out their race and a lot of BW see this as an L but AW show you a game plan for WOC (although it is not for everyone it is a way). Asian Women never feel the need to explain their choices (a trait I love in a woman – BW always feel the need to explain or debate and so we are constantly shamed because those doing the shaming know it gets to us) or feel ashamed with a certain type of man because they put themselves first and know that they don’t owe anyone anything and so when these relationships succeed, it further bolsters positive stereotypes about them – being feminine, good wives etc. but when you’re a beautiful Black Woman but want to date without using these intrinsic tools and end up dating a younger rapper who cheats on you (coughs in Not3s) and you end up a single mother …
… this reinforces negative stereotypes that we must be doing something wrong or lack certain traits so you have to learn to use these factors as a woman. Some men will always be more willing than others to meet your needs. Of course, if you’re a vixen type of woman and you’re dating more of a nerdy guy, it’s more likely to be successful. Asian women realise that “I’m competing with so many women and I need to find a way to distinguish myself so I have to use everything I can” and so they regularly use their race and know it represents things that are real or imagined.
When we look at Caya Hefner (Crystal also tbh), the final wife of Hugh Hefner’s brother on the left with what Indonesians consider beautiful on the right, it’s clear to me that as an Indonesian woman, she would not fit the general standard of beauty. This doesn’t mean that she couldn’t date a 30-year-old Asian man but she would have to compete with a bunch of other Indonesian women. Especially as WOC, as we navigate in these colorist/featurist communities, it would be difficult to secure a top tier Asian man. So, she’s thought to herself, “I’m a young Asian woman and I can use this to plot on a certain type of man to enhance my life”.
Unfortunately, BW would rather beg certain men to see beauty in them and they don’t want to use such tools to further themselves in this game we call dating because they perceive it as unethical and aren’t familiar with the darker side of feminity. Your average Western 25-year-old black girl just wants to be with a 26-year-old black guy from the same class/background as herself and expects to be married for 70+ years and this rarely happens. This is why in cultures like Japan where they are expected to be married by 30 but stay married till their 100’s, where everyone is somewhat similar the idea of fidelity is flexible because that’s difficult to achieve but, in the West, we’re not as accepting of such things and so we need to use what we have to get the desired behaviour we want out of our partners.
Other races understand that there are things I can bring to the table (more ammunition for the war lol) which means that I don’t have to compete as much with other women. An Asian Woman with a non-Asian man does not have to bring as much to the table as she would have to with an Asian Man. A White Woman with a MOC does not have to bring as much to the table as she would have to with a White Man. These women make it easier for themselves and use what they’ve got to make their vagina’s seem a bit more special lol.
Black Women don’t want to bring any weapons to the fight (dating) and so it’s no surprise some are losing. Marriage is a construct which means it’s not something natural to us. It was created and when something has been created, you have to use certain tools to make it work or at least give it a greater chance of survival. The whole “just wait on God for your perfect man” is problematic. I greatly believe in a higher power and don’t believe we should remove God/spirituality from our daily life but marriage is a construct. There are things/dynamics in this world that we have created and so we have to deal with them.
[When you’re raised in a Christian/religious home like most of us, you aren’t really taught game. The answer is always to just wait and pray (def pray tho!) but I feel like God gives us all gifts so we can maneuver this world. I feel like I’ve got a God given gift to see what’s really going on, see beyond generally accepted narratives and spot patterns. I’m in no way saying God is telling us to date old White Men lol I don’t even think God thinks that way but I think that when you can see patterns you can make better decisions in life. So for example, I see that most marriages with younger men do not work and so let me pursue someone older which would probably be more fruitful for me and assist me in doing what would be pleasing in God’s eyes. I feel like God tells me, look at these patterns of destruction, try to avoid them. If you think marriage is going to assist you in doing what God would have you do, then you should see if one group of men (not just race based!) values this construct more than others and seek those men.]
It appears to me that some BW have this obsession with being moral (maybe because others have been immoral to them) and not playing the game others play but then getting upset when they’re on the losing end. A lot of you only want to channel your dark cunning side against other women when you could use it to seduce men. The sovereign woman has a different mindset, everything she does has an agenda & Black Women are made to feel guilty if we have an agenda but everyone else has one. From what I see, other races of women bring every tool they can to the fight (dating) while BW want to remain behaving in a way that they consider moral.
I’ll use the example of most Hispanic women being raised in anti-black households or having disdain for Black Women but still dating a Black Man if he can enhance their life or put them on a pedestal:
^ Selangie, also known as sel.xo is an anti-black Latina who has made negative comments about BW and used the n-word. She recently welcomed a daughter will the rapper Lil yachty and despite her views, doesn’t mind having a half black daughter because yachty is a millionaire.
In contrast to a BW who if she has great distain for white people or white women, would not date a white man even if he could enhance her life and we’re made to feel like we have to love everything about other cultures to date within them which is not true. I’ve seen silly videos aimed at BW with “you have to like White Women if you date White Men” or whatever but such narratives are NEVER aimed at women who date BM. I remember a woman saying that other races see men as tools but we are still focused on things that aren’t important.
When it comes to Black Men, there is such a large gender war in our community and so if you are a BW who desires a BM, understand that they are craving for a Black woman to treat them like a king (don’t take this behaviour online or publicise it because that harms us as a whole, so stick to 1 on 1 interactions). You can make BM believe that no one will love him like you do and you’re still that conditioned woman who puts BM above all, to get what you want. Many of you think otherwise but due to our history, Black Men have a greater incentive to get it together for you as a BW, and the fact that many don’t is why it’s no surprise to me that many of their relationships with others are just as poor. However, you can always make a BM feel that your relationship represents something bigger. Get your hotep on and suggest that there’s an agenda going on and your coupling shows the world a strong black family.
So many men pay for the “girlfriend experience” and this is basically where a man can get the perks of a woman and she’s able to make him feel good but nothing is required from him (besides the money but in some countries, it’s very little). Men are extremely insecure (sidenote: even though most nonblack men who date BW are more on the alpha than beta side mainly because of who our counterparts are, they still need us to validate that they are who they think they are) and many men are currently unable to meet the standards of manhood and so many want a woman where they can get her feminine energy and love but there isn’t pressure on him to act in a certain way to obtain it or a need to sell himself to women because that pressure has put many men in a very low place. So as a woman if you can represent someone who doesn’t require a man to show up perfectly or not much from him is required (now this is an article on game so of course, this should be a man who is an asset, a provider, kind etc. but he wants to feel like he doesn’t have to show up perfectly to get your love, affection, attention and that it’s something that naturally exudes from you – play the game).
I want to note here that if you are the type of woman who is able to date very successful men – top of the food chain, these men usually don’t want someone who hangs on their every word because they could easily pay for that. They usually like a challenge and someone who engages with them differently from how most people do so “game” can differ depending on the type of man even though some things are universal.
In this fascinating interview of an escort that I’ve regularly quoted where she is discussing the male psyche, she states “I really wish you knew how insecure many men really are. You can never give your man enough pep talks, compliments, and admiring looks. Do that, and he’ll become putty in your hands.” In my opinion, women who don’t accommodate for the insecurities of men (who are worthy!) will be left behind and I believe women who are considered the most desirable in our society do it very well, they stroke that ego and know how to make any man feel like he is a somebody. (It’s always good as a BW to ask yourself, what kind of man would get the most out of me finding him attractive?)
BW to me, unfortunately, do not embody pleasure. When men see BW (usually western) they don’t always see a woman who cooks good, f*cks good and is supportive. Most of us don’t represent pleasure in a man’s eyes because we’ve politicised ourselves so much instead of understanding that our greatest activism as a BW is being happy, valued and treated with respect. We’re obsessed with the isms and are quick to debate. Men have to prove themselves in other spaces so they don’t want to do that with a woman. Not that you don’t have a brain or opinions but you are just meant to represent peace/pleasure as a woman.
Non-Black women will look past ANYTHING to be put on a pedestal and many BW ask themselves, where is our pedestal? It will be visible to you when you use factors like race/age/stereotypes to differentiate yourself and you will encounter men who will see you as a prize.
To conclude, using these intrinsic factors to separate yourself from other women, representing pleasure in human form and also subconsciously letting men know 3 things:
(1) Fidelity is a two-way street (2) Their p*nis will not work forever (3) You will be there to look after him in old age…
often contributes to longevity in a relationship.
In relation to (1), men are extremely insecure and in no way do you want to trigger men too much in a relationship because the relationship will no longer be enjoyable for them and it can be dangerous for you but in The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene, he explains how to create triangles – “impose another between you 2 and make the target compete with your past & present”. Again, don’t trigger a man too much. Men want to feel good in a relationship but sometimes you need to let them know that their position isn’t guaranteed. To expand on (2), because there is so much talk about a woman’s age and “the wall”, we sometimes forget that men lose their stamina and ability to perform too. No, you don’t straight up tell your partner that you can do better or his sex game is wack (stay positive) but you subconsciously drop these seeds from time to time if he’s getting too comfortable and let your partner know that you have chosen him from many or randomly tell him that story about your friend who left her man for a toyboy lol. (3) came to me when I was watching a gangster movie, and the older gangster was telling his underling to find a girl because he doesn’t want to disappear and no one notices. Some of you have spent so long drowning in toxic online content that you forget that women bring so much to a man and again use your brain and drop hints (obviously not on the 2nd date!) to your man from time to time that there’s someone who will be there wiping his ass when he’s 90 (if he continues meeting your needs).
As BW, I’ve always felt like we trigger men so much but if you can trigger someone, you basically control them ( the issue is that this goes both ways so we have to learn to stop being so reactive). Trust me, many of you have the tools to get what you want from men.
OTN
7 thoughts on “GAME in Dating| The Tools You Need to Bring to The Dating Market as a Black Woman”
Wow. Another great perspective that I hope black women take heed to.
“The whole “just wait on God for your perfect man” is problematic.”
Thank you for pointing this out! I know that you are in Europe but the black church in the US-especially in the southern states consciously and subconsciously hammered this into the minds of black women by preachers in the pulpit. Not only is it woefully incorrect, but it is a manipulative tactic that keeps black women perpetually single, lonely, vulnerable and always in a subservient role because you think being a work mule for the church/community will make the heavens open up to give you a husband that will treat you right. It also fosters internalized misogyny in black women and puts them in competition mode with other black women-not fully realizing that the only ones who will win in the end is the church or whoever you are giving your loyalty to that is almost never reciprocated.
Yes! Strategy. That is how black women will win not only in the dating game but in life. Black women as a collective are not strategic and it is hurting our marriage rates, quality of life and social status.
I know exactly what content creator you are referring to when you referenced “You have to like white women if you date white men”. I equally was bewildered at this sentiment because non black women have been caught left and right saying anti-black women sentiments and they have gone on to date or marry black men-most of the time the very successful black men that black women want. What is even more ironic is black men don’t even take this advice- because I have witnessed black men say how horrible white men are but will make allowances for white women and don’t mind dating/marrying them. This same content creator also recently made a post publicly admonishing the small minority of extremists black women who hurl insulting labels on black men and I thought it was unwise and very weird for her to even bring it up publicly. I don’t see the black men who have hundreds of thousands of even millions of supporters on their end of the web going against the black men that call black women ghetto gaggers or any other harmful and insulting labels I’ve seen these weirdos say. Why are black women always showing grace to others when those same people wouldn’t think twice to throw dirt on your name?
Also black women should refrain from openly having conversations with black men about the community, gender differences and the like. Here’s looking at you Tichina Arnold. Collectively, Black men have a twisted way in thinking about the black community. There are some who have convinced themselves that weave, welfare and a black women walking down the street with her baby born out of wedlock is the sole reason to why the black community is in shambles. Not their comfortability with being subjugated, not their 400 year history of submitting to white men, not their history of being slaves, not their refusal to reign in and govern the thugs and criminals wrecking havoc, not their refusal to build infrastructure, generate resources and build a society that black people can prosper in. No. Not any of that. But a woman wearing 4 bundles of Indian remy is the problem. Smh. So please stop trying to reason with them.
While I agree that the black women who still want to entertain black men should go along with and cater to their wants/needs-I would advise to do so with an extreme grain of salt. If you have to sacrifice your femininity, womanhood or self respect and call a man a King when he hasn’t built you a kingdom then it is not worth it.
Yes I agree. Being race minded has never worked in keeping black men around. You should treat them like you would treat any man you are with, which is being feminine and decently traditional. I also think the only aspect of being kind to women of other races as you date their men is to be able to interact with them so you are aware of how other cultures in general think and socialize. And last but not least, the article was correct about black women not being strategic about our love lives. Getting a man will always be easy, but getting one you actually want and is beneficial to you is what the competition for every woman is about. Although, I would like for this talk to not be all over youtube I think the black women coming up in the next generation will move more accordingly. I know that I am already planning to teach my future daughters from young this.
Another great post <3 I have been thinking about how to flip our negative stereotypes into positives and your point about the traits men want their children to have is so so spot on. I will carry that insight with me
Such an insightful and enjoyable blog. Thanks for sharing your wisdom 💙
You’re welcome <3
Not being Black I just have to say, “gold diggers” is absolutely a real term in other communities, it is just said in private and not in public as it’s seen as judging or gossiping. Maybe in a hair salon or women having a night out together you will hear it in public lol. But it is very much said. Anna Nicole Smith was very judged for being seen as one. It’s real.
Anna was 26 and dating an 89-year-old man, I mean who wouldn’t judge that? There is a very different standard for Black Women and other races of women regarding what they can demand from a man.