In this post, I will be talking about Interracial Relationships from a Black female perspective in terms of why they exist, what to look out for etc. This is just my opinion and almost like a stream of consciousness about a topic I find interesting as I assume I will end up in one. Remember that what I’ve concluded is not set in stone. I also want to explain the word “dynamics” which I have used a lot on some of my older platforms.
In the context of IR relationships, I have used the word “dynamics” to describe the characteristics of an interaction or behaviour. It’s something that you can’t see, it’s not visible but it influences decision-making in our society. IR dating is not something everyone does and I think sometimes it is blown out of proportion (particularly when Black people are involved) but as life gets more complex, it will increase because of what it represents to some in our shallow society. However, it does greatly impact the Black community due to several factors. There are 2 IR pairings I would like to get into before we get black female-specific as they influence every other IR coupling, directly or indirectly. These are the most prevalent couplings in terms of actual % no matter where you go, which is a Black Man with a White Woman or a White Man with an Oriental Asian Woman (I use the term oriental because East Asian does not cover backgrounds like Filipino etc.) This is in terms of frequency because in one English town you may see a lot more BW/WM couples than other pairings but that’s not the case globally if we look at %.
When we see an IR relationship that is prevalent, it means a range of things but mainly that there’s a mutual benefit or a prevalent dynamic in the world that pushes those people together. IR relationships are mutual, it’s not about one type of man wanting something or one type of woman wanting something, it’s a mutual decision. The top two relationships involve White men and White women and this tells you a lot about White people in a sense. White people are quite entitled and crave a certain level of superiority and whoever is willing to give them that power, that’s who the average White person desires to partner with. Through their relationships with Black men and Asian women, White people get to experience this because even as a woman, a White woman will always be “above” a Black man and I truly think this probably contributes to why they have the most unsuccessful pairing in terms of longevity. Even though the Black person in the relationship is a man, the woman will always have that power element.
For Black Men (imo) the dynamic that exists is that they live in a white supremacist world, they were completed degraded by other races of men throughout history (White Men’s treatment of them just happens to be the most documented) and they are disenfranchised. Don’t let the media blind you into thinking that most Black Men are rich athletes or rappers. Most Black Men, unfortunately, do not have power like other races of men and when you find yourself in that predicament as a man, you desperately seek power; this can be from sex or who you partner with but again the issue is that a woman cannot give you power but you can have a White woman on your arm and feel good or feel like you’ve made it. For Oriental women (imo) many of them feel inferior to white beauty or desire to be “western” and they’re not the only WOC who feel this way but I feel like because Oriental women are closer to White Women in terms of skin tome but so far in terms of features, there is a lot of inferiority there. Black men and Asian women feel inferior due to a range of reasons and White men and White women have used that inferiority to their benefit and like I said, this is mutual because the Black man and the Oriental Woman uses the White women/ White man to feel good about themselves in this white supremacist society.
I think Black women need to understand the type of position Black men were in to now 2020 still being disenfranchised. The idea that the same man who would call a Black man “boy” while he shined his shoes, today his great grand-daughter (not all but more than enough) wants a BM and desires him sexually, that is not something I think many men can reject. I actually don’t think most Black Men’s ideal type is a White woman or they find Black Women unattractive but IR relationships are very appealing due to the experiences of BM in society. You may question this because there are many rich Black men who have options to pursue beautiful BW but date out their race. Looking at myself, I’ve come to this conclusion because I definitely find many Black Men attractive and as a young girl, I saw myself with a Black Man like most BW but if God came down to me today and said I can give you any man who will adore you forever, be the best partner and is super rich, I would not request a Black man and that’s because of how I see myself in this world and society as a whole and I believe the same is for Black Men.
The issue I think with those who are impacted by such dynamics (Asian men and Black women) is that they think that they can attack these dynamics on the physical level, so a Black woman may think, “I’ll just work on my visuals” or an Asian man will say “I’ll just attempt to become more masculine”. Society looks at human behaviour on a very basic level so most Asian men don’t understand that they’re not fighting a White man because he’s more masculine, they’re fighting inferiority to white beauty and a desire to see oneself as a part of Western society as opposed to Eastern. Most Black Women think getting a BBL or wearing a straight weave will do the trick but they’re not thinking about a BM’s desire to access power or how aligning with White women makes him feel and so dynamics to me is something that people can’t see but influences our choices and those that are “successful” in interracial relationships are aware of these dynamics and they use it for their own gain – the BM knows that making WW feel like they are better than the original woman will give them access to white p*ssy and AW know that putting WM on a pedestal is what they truly desire as they feel like they are losing their position.
I’m going to now give my thoughts (emphasis on my thoughts) on different demographics as it pertains to Black Women. Just a disclaimer, when I have more of a positive perspective of a group of men, it means that I think it’s probably okay to specifically desire men of this race (i.e., “I want a White husband” would be less of an issue than “I want an Arab husband”) and I think Black Women as a whole have the opportunity to engage with men of that race on a large scale. If my tone is more negative, it doesn’t mean I think relationships can’t take place with men of those ethnicities but probably having a specific preference for that group wouldn’t be optimal and I don’t see Black Women engaging with those men on a very large scale. I also want to note that the experiences of Bi-racial women in IR relationships (both negative and positive) are not going to be parallel to those of Black Women, for example, bi-racial women having a wider pool but also attracting more bigoted men. When it comes to Black women and IR dating, with White men we are a part of their dynamic and with Men of Color we are not and I’ll explore this …
FYI: Avoid any non-Black man heavily into Black culture/ multiple Black male friends because they will engage with you in the same way many BM engage with BW.
White Men
White men crave power and it’s no surprise that even during tumultuous times in our history, relationships between White Men and Black Women have existed. They have always existed wherever there are multicultural societies despite Black women being conditioned to see them as devils and this is because we are part of their dynamic. I think the most prevalent reason this coupling isn’t as large as it could be is because of Black Women’s hesitancy/views of WM. Also, unlike Oriental women who often feel less than White women, most of us don’t see anything in WW. If anything, we think they’re trying to emulate us and so when you don’t see anything in the counterpart of the person trying to seek you, he’s not that appealing to you so most Black Women don’t care to have a White Man on their arm which would subconsciously be taking the White Woman’s position.
Toni Morrison spoke to this:
I always say that in dating, what the counterpart is doing/ represents is very important. When I say we are part of White Men’s dynamic, it means that we can influence how they feel about themselves in a very real way. Part of this is because WM to some degree feel some insecurity towards Black men’s perceived masculinity (this can be conscious or subconscious) and I explore this controversial view in my desirability post explaining how this has impacted us
Since White Women usually prefer Black Men to other MOC this obviously triggers WM and of course to feel manly many embrace Oriental women (because of what their men represent and them putting WM on a pedestal) but truly only BW have the power to make WM feel as powerful as he desires and this is why straight-up racist men will still pursue BW. Disclaimer: When I write this way, I’m off code but I’m suggesting that this strategy is only for those men that are worthy and have the ability to enhance our lives and I’ll further expand on this in my future “game in dating” post. Many of you will notice that White Women are way more threatened by us than Asian Women despite us not seeking WM like that. I think this is partly because they know we have that power and we are so different that if we are “in” they are definitely “out”.
Another thing we need to bring up is colorism and a few weeks ago I remember watching a @simplysheneka live (love her!) on IG and she was talking about IR dating and she stated how Italian men love dark women and I remember this interview I watched… This interview was between 2 iconic porn stars discussing their time in the industry – TT Boy was interviewing Michael Stefano, who is Italian (I watch all types of stuff including what isn’t considered kosher. Part of this is because of what I study and I have been on the dark side of the internet many times which I think strengthens my wisdom and views). This interview was somewhat gross in terms of how they spoke about women and sex but what can you expect from porn stars, most are deviants :/ (Even though I have watched porn, I usually report porn involving BW on social media unless it’s posted by a sex worker because that’s not where it belongs…) nonetheless, there were many parts where these 2 porn stars discussed their preference for Black Women. I probably would never share such a video due to its explicit nature but even though I know these views exist, I’ve never heard men speak so blunt about it and I think regular men wouldn’t because of how BW react to being desired sexually (or in any way tbh) by men outside their race as opposed to other women who embrace it.
TW: 2 White Men speaking about Black Women in an explicit manner
[VIDEO]
I want to use this video to discuss some things. Firstly, later on in the interview, the host states that he entered the porn industry in the late 80’s and that there weren’t many Black Women in the industry (in the 90’s) but that’s who he wanted to sleep with so he sourced them himself by getting agents (one he described as a tall light-skinned guy) to get them from pimps. Now, based on other things I’ve watched, we can assume that these pimps were Black Men and again as I stated in this post, Black Men are oftentimes involved in the exploitation of BW (from the beginning of time and then will shame BW for being a sex worker or porn star) and so putting them on a pedestal above others is based on not knowing a lot of things that have/happen in society. Anyway, I will explore in a different post the host suggestion that “darker women have hotter pussy’s“ (:/) which is clearly related to the hypersexual stereotype which I think we’ve become a victim to, as opposed to using it for our benefit.
My main reasoning for sharing this mess of a video (lol) were 2 comments: “the darker the better” and the comments about our private parts (:/). The point is that in every community of color, colorism exists and there are many non-black communities where it’s even worse than in our community like India where it’s so extreme and it’s very damaging for darker women in terms of their confidence and prospects of finding a partner. All White Men are not the same but we can definitely acknowledge that they are a lot less colorist than others and it was also intriguing to see something that has been mocked by BM (the contrast between our private area and skin tone) which I’ve literally seen memes about, being preferred by someone else and as I said in this post, it’s easier on you as a woman, when you date someone who prefers what you naturally have instead of altering yourself to become what someone else likes. I will discuss non-Black MOC later in this post but I feel like sometimes Black Women (usually from the US so I get it…) attempt to have the IR dating conversation without WM. I’ll see BW who no longer desire a BM and they’ll start specifically looking for South Asian, Mexican etc. men. To me, this often leads to settling because you’re not seeking “the best you can get” or who sees you in the best light but you are still concerned with other things and have been bamboozled to believe that MOC have been less problematic to Black people than White Men. We should be honest and acknowledge that, especially for darker-skinned women, it’s very hard imo to have the IR dating conversation without White Men if we’re seeking marriage and to be seen as an object of desire. In no way shape or form am I saying you must date White Men or all White men see value in BW (obviously not) but I think WM should always be a part of your pool (even if not your #1 preference) if you are interested in IR dating.
Hispanic Men
A big thing with Hispanic men (all men tbh) is class. No matter the race, there are bottom barrel men and no matter where you go if you only interact with the bottom barrel of the community, you will experience negative things. It’s very important as Black Women that we refine ourselves so we can move in different circle’s and I think many Black Men know that education gives us options hence why they talk down on educated BW. On one end Latino men (and women) are literally at the bottom of the hierarchy in terms of wealth and education. Latina’s also have a high out of wedlock rate and many stories come to my mind of Latina’s sharing stories of them being abused at the hands of their men. Many Hispanic men to me have a very similar outlook on life as low-quality Black Men but what’s even worse is that they may not have avenues like sports/music to build wealth. On the other end, Hispanic men can be very hard-working/passionate and will provide for their families even if it kills them. The variance of men is very extreme in this community and it’s no surprise because there are so many different types of Hispanics, from Black Hispanics to White Hispanics to Jewish Hispanics. Hispanic men clearly seem to find Black Women attractive based on what I’ve seen but the community itself is very colorist and I also sometimes find it odd to seek men as a Black Woman who already have Black people in their communities who are treated poorly (why wouldn’t they just date them?) but I’m also aware that some Hispanics view Black people in their communities in a different way than how they would view an African American etc. With Hispanic men, I think the biggest thing to look at is class and how they view people of African descent.
South Asian Men
South Asian Men, specifically those of Indian descent are some of the most successful and wealthy men in this world due to them being very tech-savvy. Because there is a huge gender imbalance in this community, there are often many single SA men and they’re all over dating sites desperate for partners. Two negative aspects of this community as it pertains to BW would be 1. Colorism and 2. Their treatment of women. With point 1., colorism in this region is very extreme and sometimes it makes me uncomfortable seeing the difference in skin tone between the women they place on a pedestal and the average Brown woman. If you are a BW on the darker side you may want to make sure that the man, you’re with is not only with you because “that’s all he can get” but he actually sees value in you and has the potential to improve your life. A lot of Brown men to me also seem very sex-obsessed, all over social media even lusting after paintings lol All men like sex but I think it may be because so many don’t have access to women, they crave that intimacy but again dealing with these men as a BW, I would definitely require investment/time/commitment before taking it to the next level to ensure you are not viewed as a sexual object. Also with point 2, whenever I’m in a space and BW are sharing their negative experiences about BM or our community, I often see “I’m desi and I relate” or “I’m Pakistani and the same is in our community”. Gendered violence is very high in Brown communities and sometimes a BW on the outside perceives that these people usually date one another so they must be having positive relationships and they must be good partners but these women oftentimes don’t have a choice when it comes to who they date (I’ve had Brown women directly tell me they’d like to date others but their parents won’t let them). When dealing with a Brown man, I would check his mindset towards women and make sure he’s courting you the way he would court a woman of his race. I think sex should be withheld as long as possible and your standards should be quite high in terms of how that man engages with you when dealing with men from such cultures.
Arab/Persian Men
Arab/ Persian men just like Hispanics, have a lot of variation. Not every Arab man is a rich Qatari, many are not that successful particularly those that reside in North Africa or places like Yemen and Syria. I think most of you know the angle I’m going to take with this lol but like I said, I’m not talking about an individual but these cultures as a whole. Arab Men already treat their own women in ways that can be very problematic and I don’t know how many stories I’ve even heard of White women (including my mother’s friend) marrying an Arab man and having to flee for their lives. I’m also aware that many horn Africans are told by their families to avoid Arab men because of possible violence. Now we never want to stereotype because there are obviously kind-hearted Arab men and monsters of other races but it’s about this thing called culture which makes something an issue or normalises it. On different platforms where I come across Arab women who are Western and have the opportunity to date others, they are adamant about not being an Arab man’s “baby-making machine/maid” but then others love to brag that their men wholeheartedly provide for them.
Through my research, I am aware that race-based slavery was created by Arabs and to this day, African/ Filipino maids face abuse at the hands of Arab men/women. I would consider this group (specifically Arabs, including North Africans (not so much Persians) to be the most anti-black among all cultures). I say this to ensure that vetting is carried out on a high level (when it comes to his views of women and Black people) if you choose to engage with these men because I’m aware that even younger western Arab men may still have the same mindset that men in the trenches of Yemen would have. One thing I need to speak on is that most Arab men (and Brown men) are Muslim or at least religious and I don’t recommend not being a Muslim or not being willing to convert and thinking these men are going to take you seriously. Also, virginity (I know some Muslim girls aren’t or hide their past but ….) in some cultures is seen as a must and when you see the standards set for women in a certain community, you also are meant to meet those standards and if he’s not requiring that he may just be looking for fun so it’s up to you to clarify and see what he values and expects from a woman and if you can meet those standards.
East Asian
Due to the explosion of Korean cinema and music in the last decade, the desirability of East Asian men amongst Black Women has grown and so many would not mind engaging in relationships with these men. In my other platforms I’ve often spoken about how growing up, my family was very close with an East Asian family and so I’ve seen the positives and negatives of this community. Nonetheless, when it comes to East Asian Men (and all men of colour), we are not a part of their dynamic and so it needs to be approached differently. On one end, in an Asian man’s world what makes them feel less about themselves is clearly White men because of the extent to which Asian women have put WM on a pedestal and so when I say you’re not a part of their dynamic, you can’t as a Black woman make a random East Asian man feel as good about himself (as say a White Woman) because when you see an Oriental Asian woman with someone outside her race he’s usually White (even though some Filipinas, Cambodians etc. are open to Black Men in the US, in their countries White Men still have full accessibility to them for the most part and are treated like kings). That is what Oriental Asian Men are seeing constantly and so if dating out (be aware that there’s family pressure to stay within the race especially if he is the first son but if he does) it’s no surprise he may feel better about himself with a White Woman. I’ve heard about this when I came across a Clubhouse room where Black girls were talking about their experiences in Korea and seemed peeved that some of the men they encountered were White-woman obsessed or fetishized them as Black girls. Let’s explore these 2 things.
It’s probably not optimal to fly halfway across the world to solely pursue an Asian man (But I do recommend travelling if you reside somewhere where your options are slim or you are seen as less than you know you are, for example living in Brazil, you may want to relocate to Europe) because it’s unlikely that an East Asian man, because of how society views them is going to turn down a beautiful non-Asian woman who wants him (they call it wanting to ride the white/black horse and some Asian men say what’s the issue because many WM go to their countries viewing Asian women the same way) and so you may not be his ideal type or someone to bring home to his family but that doesn’t mean he won’t take what you give him (this is for all men tbh). An easy way to deal with this is not letting your standards fall just because a man isn’t Black and demanding courtship, being introduced to his family, him investing in you and keeping your legs closed.
Another thing we have to understand with Asian men but really all MOC is that the man (if interested in you) is likely going to have a specific preference for Black women and unfortunately as Black Women, we’ve been conditioned to see this as a bad thing. You have to understand that Asian men (all MOC) are raised in an anti-black society where their counterparts prioritize White men so it’s normal that these same men if they have a strong desire to date out, will gravitate to White women because that makes them feel good. Understand that they are not raised or socialised to find Black Women attractive and so when you come across an Asian man that hits you with “I’ve always been attracted to Black women” that is not a negative. For example, if you’re out together and you’re his preference and everywhere you turn, you’ll see Asian Women (specifically the East Asian kind) with White men, that won’t make him think “oh no being with her doesn’t make me feel good about myself” because a BW is what he’s always liked (due to certain imagery he’s been exposed to or his views about us – I’ve noticed that some Asian Men are aware of the similarities in our experiences in Western society which I think brings some of these couples together) so he won’t care but unfortunately, we’ve called this fetishization but for MOC, a specific liking for BW is oftentimes the basis of the relationship. This is important for BW because sometimes you think some races of men don’t like BW because of what you’ve heard or an experience with 1 man or visiting a country and not finding many suitors but understand that it’s usually specific men who find BW attractive due to conditioning (just like only some BW will ever be open to IR dating) and it’s just up to you to connect with those men. This does not mean dating Asian delinquents who embrace the negative aspects of Black culture or using Asian-Black dating communities/websites which often attracts weirdos.
[An example of this would be Arthel Neville and her husband Taku Hirano who is a Japanese percussionist and Jazz recording artist. Jazz is a Black art form and many Japanese people embrace and acknowledge that so that may have influenced his dating habits. It doesn’t have to mean he has cornrows and speaks in AAVE – that should be avoided]
Now some of you will say White Men also have specific preferences for BW (some do) but an example of how it’s different being a part of their dynamic is looking at Love is Blind’s Cameron and Lauren. They can have a relationship after the show because Cameron is able to feel good with Lauren because of a range of factors that exist in our society. It’s unlikely that a random MOC who has no clue that his date is a Black Woman would hit it off as quickly and start dating.
I personally think many Oriental Asian Men are very successful and understand the value of a family structure (basically knowing that having a wife is important) and so can be great prospects and with most being pale, there’s definitely potential for some to prefer something different in terms of darker skin and I actually recall my Chinese friend telling me that colourism isn’t that real of a thing in their community (East not South East, who are more similar to Brown communities) because they are the same shade and the focus is more on features in their culture. I will say though that what you see on K drama’s is not going to be found in most Oriental Asian man and don’t internalize that they are these sexless weak men. They are just like every other man and have the same needs and vices. They love to be babied and would probably suit a Black Woman who is more traditional (same with Brown/Arab men).
Another thing I’ve noticed is that sometimes because an ethnicity is more open to dating Black Men, BW will seek out their counterparts. I’ve noticed that when a group of women are more open to Black Men (with all the negative stereotypes that exist) a lot of the time their men aren’t too great (not always since it’s a very personal decision but often). I remember a situation where a West African woman was on a show talking about her Albanian husband stalking her and funnily enough in Europe, Albanian men are known to be quite dangerous and Albanian women are more open to BM than any other Eastern European women and so that shouldn’t be an indicator as to who you should seek. It should always be rooted in who values you, values marriage and can add to my life.
Back to dynamics, because of buying the POC solidarity snake oil, I notice many BW will praise IR relationships where the woman is a POC – Indian, Filipino w/e but talk down on it when the woman is White without understanding dynamics because you have to look at whether the reverse is optimal for you. When a White man is more of a viable option for most BW than a MOC, you should be happier with WW/BM couples because the reverse is more likely to be optimal for you. If most Indian men aren’t coupled with BW, why would a couple including an Indian woman and a Black man be beneficial for you or promoted by you? This just leads to animosity towards us when the reverse isn’t prevalent or optimal. You shouldn’t care but sometimes you need to think about these things.
I always say that if you’re engaging with a man who’s from a culture you’ve never closely interacted with, talk to women of those communities (doesn’t have to be “I’m dating a Mexican man so…” but you can say “so how are Mexican men?”) or watch a few videos because sometimes the portrayal doesn’t match the man. I love to do this lol and being at uni in a group with 4 Chinese girls, I was told that “a wealthy Chinese man will have 10 girlfriends :/” and seeing how some AM are treated in western society, it’s not a surprise that they would seek validation from somewhere but a woman who has never had personal conversations with Chinese people may never associate that image with Chinese men.
In conclusion, men are men and they all require vetting. I always recommend shaking off all racial preferences and seeking the best man for the job regardless of race unless there’s a specific reason i.e. not having an interest in a specific ethnicity because of their treatment of women.
One thing to note is that you don’t want to bring over the Blackistani mindset where people use Black men’s IR relationships against Black Women and so many BW become triggered by it and hyperfocus on it. There are also many negative narratives in the IR dating space as it pertains to your desirability but please do not become hyper focused on IR dating or certain narratives about who likes what. Many have an incentive when it comes to keeping BW away from IR relationships (if only you knew the impact it would have on certain demographics…) and so understand that you can have exactly what you want and focus on getting that. Based on demographics alone, there are more than enough non-Black men in the West for every Black Woman who wants one.
Also, some men may make assumptions about what a Black Woman is accustomed to and is willing to put up with (due to looking at the Western Black community as an outsider – hence why I always say where possible, to speak up against poor behaviour) and so it’s very important to show a man (through your standards, boundaries, behaviour etc.) how you expect to be treated and show that you are a woman who expects courtship, investment, marriage etc.
The whole premise of IR dating is making the pool of men who are able to meet your needs bigger so it’s not about creating another false idol in the form of another community. Any reverence in men of other groups should be rooted in what they can provide you with and how they treat you. Remember we never romanticize men, it’s their job to romanticize us.
[I recommend reading Why I Don’t Pedestalize Black Men or ANY Race of Man if you haven’t already]
OTN
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One thought on “Dynamics in Interracial Relationships (Black Female Perspective) | What to Look Out For”
This was a lovely post!