Anyone who is an avid reader of my posts will know my views on relationships: having no racial preference, putting no race of man on a pedestal and engaging with whoever can enhance your life but almost as an outsider (since I don’t have a preference for Black Men), I can take the emotions out and see things that some Black Women won’t admit to themselves. A lot of people would think that we’ve been through a shared struggle/ history (as Black Men and Black Women) so we should have the strongest relationship but clearly that’s not the case.
There’s so much resentment between Black Women and Black Men (particularly those in the West since most Africans have long-lasting marriages which is considered a barometer of success in our society no matter what occurs in these marriages). I want to share my ideas on why some of these relationships aren’t working based on one core principle and that is; how Black Men view Black Women and how Black Women view Black Men.
Before we get into the core principle, I’ll explain some general factors that influence why many Western Black relationships fail.
1. Choice
Choice means that as Black people in the diaspora we have the option to date other races (which may prevent relationships from forming between black people) and because of our past subjugated status, there’s always this kind of desperation to date others (usually BM as BW have been conditioned otherwise) but with other communities, even if they live in multicultural communities, they oftentimes don’t have the opportunity/ ability to date (especially marry) others. I’ve had Indian girls tell me they wish they could date other races but they have to date a Punjabi boy. A community like theirs even has Indian only dating sites because they have a caste system so there is a lot of pressure to date within the race.
Obviously, within the label “Black people”, there are different types: African-Americans, Caribbeans and Africans. Usually, in the African community, it was expected of you to date within your race but Black Men as always started to engage in IR relationships even against their families wishes; even someone like Kobe Bryant’s (R.I.P) mother was against his relationship with Vanessa because she wasn’t Black but he decided to go against her wishes. This creates an imbalance so I think it came to a point where the men couldn’t be dating out the race and then the daughters were told that they can’t so the idea of telling your children you can only bring home a black person has been lost in many cultures.
2. Grass Is Greener On The Other Side Mentality
Related to the previous factor, I think black people (esp BM lol) always think the other side is greener. Even when you see black men tweet or talk there’s this kind of “other women are so submissive and great” and it’s funny because back in the day this was something they always said, “White women are this, White women are that”, then they went out there and experienced them, which resulted in the most unsuccessful pairing and then they realized okay we have to switch it up, now its “Hispanic women are this and Asian women are that” and I think Black Men and to some degree, BW haven’t actually been in these communities 24/7.
I recently saw a tweet by a BM that suggested that WW are so submissive and they just do what they’re told. This is a statement many WM would laugh at but that is what some of them believe because they haven’t lived with a White family, they don’t interact with an Asian family, they don’t see the dynamic behind the scenes so there’s this, “the other side is greener” mentality and when you have that thought process within a relationship with someone of your race, it’s not going to progress because when this person displays a negative trait, they think other women/men don’t even when they’ve never engaged with them or someone of another race tells them the same occurs in their community and this belief is a big issue amongst Black Men.
3. Lack of Gender Roles Within These Relationship
In a relationship/marriage, a lot of labor is required of a woman. Sometimes I think that BW are not willing to do what is required of a woman in a relationship and oftentimes this is because when they’ve done those things in the past (or seen others do it), they’ve gotten nothing in return for it or they don’t see the men they’re with as worthy of doing certain things for (I will have a future post dedicated to exploring this idea and how it impacts BW’s femininity). I’ll see a woman make a post online where she’ll say something like “My man loves a stir fry so I’ve been slaving away in the kitchen” or w/e and the responses are oftentimes along the lines of “she’s a pick me” or “I wouldn’t be doing all that” and I’m thinking, but this is her husband…
It shows me that some BW are not willing to do what is required for a marriage to be successful because they don’t respect the men they’re in relationships with or they have not been with men who have bettered their lives in a really significant way. I think a lot of BW have never been with a man where they can say “If this man did not come into my life, I would be at a lower position” and so the labor that is required of a wife, they don’t want to do it because maybe they fear it won’t be worthwhile because they may not get anything from it. This ties to the buzzword of the last few years – submission but I’ll expand on this when I discuss Western BW’s relationship to femininity and the REAL reason many haven’t tapped into it. We are also aware that most western Black Men are confused about what it is to be a man, a leader and the head of a household and this is detrimental to the relationships they are a part of. I think more online content targeting BM should focus on teaching them what it is to be a man in a relationship as opposed to pointing out the flaws of BW.
This factor is highlighted by the relationship coach Scot McKay and although he alludes to single mothers, what he’s saying is 100% applicable to BW (I’ll come back to this in a future post):
4. Black Women Used To Being Alone
We are aware that many BW in the West head their households. This is at a greater rate than other races and so some look after their children solo. For many BW, if there is an issue in a relationship, she doesn’t have that urge to sit through it because of the shame attached to being a single mother as she knows probably at least 1 woman or even her own mother who is raising kids by herself and the kids seem fine and turned out to be a success so you’re not going to fight for a relationship as hard as maybe another race of woman who does not see many single mothers in her community. I’ve stated before that my family was very close to a Chinese family and in their community, there’s shame attached to being a single mother.
You and your children are almost blacklisted and so that shame obviously means women will be more likely to try their very hardest to save a relationship. A troll once brought up the fact that the destruction of the black family is because BW kept divorcing BM while other races who are getting the same treatment stick by their men and I can’t really say I disagree with him but I think this falls on marrying men for the wrong reasons and not having that incentive to weather those storms that can occur within a marriage as a result of that. This also ties into role models as a lot of BW don’t seem to rely on a man (even Rihanna is expecting her first child without being married and is being praised by most BW) and I think that makes many think that we don’t need a man/ commitment or it’s not a necessity so if we’re in a relationship and he’s doing something that bothers us, we assume it’s acceptable to just walk away (I’m not suggesting this is wrong or right because it is important to consider the circumstances).
5. Money
Money is one of the biggest causes of divorce and I think black men don’t understand that money is very important in a relationship and the response is always “she’s a golddgigger” but they don’t understand that a relationship is very unlikely to survive with money issues. I feel like many don’t take that time to work on themselves or to build a career before starting a family. It’s just sex sex sex instead of thinking “I need to take this time to build my career, have some type of plan so when I have some level of resources, I’ll be ready for a woman and a family. I remember watching a documentary and the Chinese men stated “Chinese women like nice cars and houses” and there was an understanding that they would have to work to get that in order to obtain wives.
With most Western BM, there’s this obsession with the idea of liking a BM when he has nothing (which oftentimes only applies to BW) even though most go on to leave that woman once they obtain wealth for a different type of woman… When you look at many white men who have obtained wealth, for example, the billionaire Ben Horowitz has a black wife who he started out with when he was just a regular Jewish guy in college. Now he’s a billionaire, he still has that same wife and then you look at someone like Michael Jordan who started off with a black woman, kept cheating on her with non-black women and now as a billionaire, he’s with a Latina. I think people think these things don’t influence black women’s behaviour in relationships but they see that and deep down sometimes know that they may not enjoy the fruits if their man was to become extremely successful. This is why the whole “savage” lifestyle is attractive to BW because some aren’t willing to commit to, invest in or support a BM because they’ve seen BW in the past who have done that and have been discarded later on.
6. Black Men’s Needs
Men of color have been subjugated in different ways. Black men are economically/socially subjugated, even with Asian men, they have been stripped of their masculinity and so when engaging with these men, you need to be aware of these things. I think the advice BW get, that within a marriage/relationship, the man should constantly chase you while you remain nonchalant, don’t let him know you love him etc. may not be as applicable for men from subjugated communities (at least on a surface level.) These men need praise and adoration because society will never give it to them.
I think this is probably why WM/BW relationships are more successful than black on black relationships in the West. I remember my sister telling me of a story (she works in a luxury environment) where she saw a BW with her white husband and my sister said the woman was really rude to him but he was still so adoring towards her and you have to understand that the white man’s position in society is different to MOC and so I feel like when some WM are with a BW who is maybe not giving as much; she’s not as adoring or worshipping it’s okay for him because probably just the novelty of her being a different race is okay for him and maybe he likes the chase because he’s in a society where he can chase and 9/10, he will get the prize. HOWEVER, I think this is a dated concept. For ALL men, nowadays and going forward you can see the growth of Incels/ MGTOW. Men are very vulnerable and insecure. I could tweet “I wouldn’t date a guy who plays video games” and have 100 triggered men in my responses calling me all sorts. They definitely need validation and adoration (that is at least visible on the surface even if it has ulterior motives behind it, like other races do *coughs in green card*).
^ Especially with BM, if a man lives in a society where sometimes he can’t get a job because of his skin tone, he faces racism on a daily (not something many want to talk about at home) they don’t want to come home and feel like this is also a challenge. Home for such men should be a place where these worries don’t exist.
People even throw bananas at footballers and call them racial slurs and these men are meant to be respected members of society…
7. Black Skin Means Nothing
A huge reason I think western Black relationships are not as successful as we thought they’d be is because I think many BW see a man and because he has black skin, they think he has an understanding of their journey but when we look at the kinds of things that come out of BM’s mouths, it’s very clear that they don’t. I recall on Twitter when a White Latina had box braids and BW were saying the usual; “we get fired for these hairstyles” and “this is quite offensive” blah blah blah and then I remember seeing BM hitting back with “why do you guys perm your hair?” and “why do you guys wear blonde weave?” and I’m thinking: “assimilation, stereotypes, the workplace…”.
You begin to see that there’s no understanding from these men who we perceive as our counterparts. A lot of BW realise that this man may have Black skin but he doesn’t understand me or my plight. With a non-Black man, BW go into the relationship knowing that he’s probably going to need some teaching and you’re open to filling in those gaps because he doesn’t have a Black mother or sister. The reality is that the level of vetting that is required with a non-Black man where you need to make sure he’s not a bigot or gauge his perception of BW is also required with BM.
Now looking at the core principle, from what I’ve seen, Black Men look down on Black Women and Black Women look down on Black Men. Now you may think, BW are black male worshipping but let me expand on this.
We have a dynamic where BM through porn, fetishization and BW constantly putting them on a pedestal, have more currency in the dating market (there are more average women who prefer BM than average men who prefer BW – I explore this here) so most BM know that if he wants to sleep with a woman of another race, he can do that (she may not be the most attractive but nonetheless…). We should understand that most BM are not really pro-black and usually only align with pro-black narratives if it’s for their own benefit/safety. Even if a man is with a black woman and he loves her, he’s still not dating her for the greater good of the community.
We have a situation where there are many black men in unfavourable economic conditions or in jail at a greater rate than other races and so the successful black men – good looking, mentally sane and have a good job, know that they are a part of a pool that isn’t the biggest pool in the world and they know that there are millions of black women who want access to them. The men in these pools see themselves as special. That’s why someone like Future can have 7 kids. He sees himself as special so he can have 7 black women (and women of other races) and we of course have contributed to them feeling that way. For the most part, they are engaging with women (BW) who in their eyes and even in the women’s eyes, don’t have options. As I explain here, Black women constantly put Black men on a pedestal and cling to undesirability. This may not relate to women who have levelled up but the average Black woman comports herself in a way that suggests BM are her only option and IR has not yet exploded (I assume it will amongst Gen Z BW) but for now, the Black man (even when average) see’s himself as a unicorn and he’s seeing you as someone who doesn’t have options so when that man engages with you he may not bring his A-game. I’ve heard many women say that they go on dates and it’s like they are being auditioned for a role. From attacking them on social media for dating other races or constantly begging them to see value in you, you’ve shown these men that they are the prize. You’ve positioned them as the prize and this is so abnormal. In a normal heterosexual relationship, to position the man as the prize is abnormal and I’ll bring in examples where that works for some but let’s get back to Black couples. So when this BM who sees himself as a unicorn engages with you in a certain way, he expects you to respond to that.
I’ve been in BM dominated spaces and seen sooo many say something along the lines of “I will date a BW but we can get all races of women and they can’t get anyone” and in a world where men are already oftentimes less emotionally invested than women, I think how can these relationships work where the man thinks he has options but his girl doesn’t (we have to take some accountability for gassing them up.
Men don’t commit to women they don’t view as a prize (and BM already have a hard time doing that with any woman) and because of our history, colorism, the media, and partly our own doing, we have contributed to not being viewed as a prize by Western BM. These issues affect all MOC in a white supremacist environment but you have to remember that, for example, an Asian man will go to an event and even after internalizing white supremacist ideology, sees a White man with his women and so many will still view some of them as a prize but BW, unfortunately, didn’t get this aspect of the game.
When it comes to BW’s view of BM, a lot has been exposed in the last five years, like black men’s earning potential – how low it truly is, the rate of DV in our community, certain statistics about their condition and misogynoir/ the constant degradation of BW on over social media. A lot of you may be confused when I talk about BW not truly respecting BM since most BW prefer them, but who knows if this preference is real… Maybe they think they have no other options, maybe they really want a black family, maybe they are still angered by injustices at the hands of other races etc.
We have BW pursuing BM but not truly respecting them because they’ve exposed themselves to the statistics and misogynoir and I always say that when you want to date/marry a black man, you have to be very careful about the narratives you internalise through YouTube and social media. You’ll truly have to be ignorant and ignore certain things because learning about their “pathology” or their role in your exploitation will only ruin your chances of having a successful relationship with a BM.
You start to think “I’m an educated black queen, princess treatment, he’s lucky to have me because he’s earning only 50k a year” or whatever and you’re going in this environment not understanding that even when he doesn’t look like Trey Songz and he’s a regular guy, he looks down on you and you enter the relationship looking down on him, especially if you’ve levelled up in life and this dynamic will never work as both people in the relationship look down on one another.
Even sometimes with White Men when they date women of color, whether she’s Black, Asian, Latino they look down on them but the difference is those women look up to those men. Latina’s have this whole “lighting the race” concept, we know most Asian women worship White men and some Black women actually feel like “white men build for their race, protect the image of their women etc.” so even if that man is looking down on them, they look up to them and this can be a normal dynamic between men and women but what we have in the black community is two people looking down on each other. Funnily enough, the reason why many relationships between BM and WW are not successful is because White Women also look down on Black Men. I’ve seen non-BW disrespect BM many times; many have threatened to call the police on BM, have called their black boyfriends the n-word (check out the experiences of bi racial kids on tik tok) and they don’t respect these men.
Most Non-Black Women when dating BM are playing a game, so she’ll give that external respect because she fears him. She’ll stroke his ego (most men are very insecure) by saying his dick is big, he’s so muscular and it’s always been her fantasy but like any man when he steps out of line in any way, you’ll see very quickly that this woman is only with a BM because she thinks he will put her on a pedestal and when he makes a mistake, she’ll let him know real quick who that man is as a black man.
Some of the things I hear BW say about BM (which puts others in danger) and then think they are going to be able to date a BM while having that little respect for them is very bizarre to me (As this insightful article highlights, contempt, which is a lack of respect accompanied by a feeling of intense dislike tears couples apart.). Do you think you can walk around and say “Black men ain’t sh*t and they have nothing to offer” and you’re going to encounter a black man who’s going to change your whole view and look at you like the best thing since sliced bread? Unlikely. I remember even back in the day, this woman was saying all types of things about Black Men, even putting other races on a pedestal *rolls eyes* and somehow, we got into a conversation and she started to say, “it’s not all black man and she still wants a black man” *confused*.
I don’t know how many of you are reading my content but if you still desire a black man, understand that this man will look down on you. The same way an Asian/White man might and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t see value in you but that he understands his position in the world and most men are okay with that especially if they have the status, they’re not looking to you for status. They just want a nice, feminine and kind woman who can support them and is closest to their fantasy woman. No magical black man is going to come and change your thinking because ALL men are not perfect and in a relationship, there’s already going to be some things where he might fall short or make a little mistake. As a BW, if you’ve already associated BM with negative things, you won’t be able to get past these small bumps that occur in relationships. As a divested BW, I’m telling you that if you desire a black man you need to stop aligning with those that put all black men in a negative light. You need to stop listening to content that speaks of black men negatively. You need to change your perception and you need to be able to look up to these men. You have to find a way to respect Black Men.
The reason why this article is more BW focused is because BM will probably not change anytime soon. As a Black Woman (if you desire a BM), you can’t change non-black women finding them attractive (especially when they don’t fit their communities beauty standards), you can’t stop their masculine media representation, BBC stereotypes or erase BW putting their penises, bodies and skin on a pedestal for decades. You cannot do that right now so you have to change your ways so you can respect black men and play that role of a woman who looks up to her partner (this is what all men crave) if you want any chance of your relationship with a BM to succeed. If this is not possible for you, stop dating them.
OTN
3 thoughts on “Black Love? Why (Western) Black Relationships Aren’t as Successful as We Thought They’d Be”
This is such a great breakdown of the dynamics of romantic relationships between black people.
Mentioning that it is far more important for black men to familiarize themselves of what it truly means to walk in their divine manhood rather than point out superficial things about women is so accurate. I was listening to a podcast where black men and women where discussing traditional unions. One of the men proposed a hypothetical scenario of a man with little to no monetary resources being the man of the home when the woman brings in significantly more money than him. He asked the women would they still be “traditional” with a man like that. All I could do was laugh. That scenario is clearly a modern concept and the foundational principle of a traditional union is marriage to a man that has tangible resources so his hypothetical scenario was null and void from the get go. They don’t know how the real world operates or what their role is as men and it’s quite alarming and sad. They twist and bastardize things to fit their agenda. Concepts like feminism, matriarchy, submission, traditionalism-they have made up their own toxic version of these words. There are black men that think an example of feminism is black women taking government assistance to feed their families so they wouldn’t starve to death. They think the black community is matriarchal because black women are left as single mothers. But they can’t realize that black women and children were not left empowered when fathers leave the home- they were left vulnerable to their environment and the powers that be. They think a woman should be traditional and submit to an underperforming man with no resources only because he is the “man”. They are so confused and it’s disappointing. They want to embody the feminine and simply exist. But that’s not how manhood works.
I thought I was the only one that peeped that a lot of black men are not truly “pro-black”. Two months before George Floyd died, former NBA player Stephen Jackson-who happened to be one of Floyd’s best friends-posted a series of unprovoked diatribes on his instagram against black women. Then the unfortunate attack against Floyd happened and all of a sudden it’s “black Queen” this and that. They only want to claim blackness when one of them gets hurt by a non black person or if they are being reprimanded for the whole world to see. Then they want to unify with the black community because black men know that many black women see a kinship with black men even if they are not related. They know black women will turn a blind eye and try to advocate for them.
Black women trauma bond with black men way too much and those types of relationships are volatile and do not last. Black women politicizes their lives and relationships too much as well. Black women should start romantically linking themselves to men that they naturally respect and “look up” to. Even if you are consciously saying that you “love” someone-when you see them being constantly emasculated by other people, when you are the woman and you find yourself doing more and bringing in more resources, your subconscious really knows how you feel and is the true ruler of your emotions.
I wish black women would move differently in society. We are slowly waking up and I am grateful for that. Blogs like these are a lighthouse in a sea of fog.
Keep up the good work.
Very insightful add on to what I’ve written. Hopefully my readers scroll down even further and thank you for the compliment! <3
Loved this comment!