I am not one of those “divested” Black Women who has an extreme hatred for Black Men. I explained in “Why I Don’t Pedestalize ANY Race of Man” that I put no race of man on a pedestal and when I see “Black Men hating content” online I think it’s very harmful because she may have the privilege to say such things behind a computer screen and experience no repercussions but the men she is making angry may take that out on another Black Woman. I know people gravitate to that content out of anger and I’ve been in that phase but we have to make sure we leave it because the reality of having hatred towards Black Men suggests a feeling that you have no choice but to deal with them and that’s just not the case.
As Black Women, we love to talk about societal conditioning and engineering that encourages things like colorism or white worship but we don’t acknowledge the way we are conditioned to see Black Men as our only option or as men superior to all others. When you look at magazines that have been targeted at Black Women (from the beginning of time), you’ll always see Black Men (usually dark-skinned and this is why you see ignorant Black Women co-signing the feminization of light-skinned men) being sold to us even when the men pictured are not in relationships with Black Women.
^ This tells us subconsciously that this is who we should aspire to get.
However, when you look at magazines targeted at Black Men, they’re sold all flavours which has contributed to our erasure in a range of art forms:
Even recently I was watching re-runs of one of my favourite shows: My Wife and Kids and in one scene Jay (the mother) is fantasizing about Denzel Washington while Michael (the father) is fantasizing about J.Lo. This conditions us to believe that all women are for Black Men but only Black Men are for us. Black Men will do everything in their power to ensure sexual access to Black Women because, without Black Women, there is no black womb and therefore no community (in the West). Most iconic TV shows, from The Sopranos to Game of Thrones all have a Black Male character lusting after a White Woman and so publicly lusting after Black Men as a Black Woman is something I find quite embarrassing.
This post will focus on the ways Black Women have interacted with Black Men that have harmed us.
I am a realist and I know that the majority of Black Women’s relationships are going to be with Black Men which is the case for all communities no matter how prevalent interracial dating may seem so sometimes we have to analyze what we have done that has either harmed or helped us as it pertains to Black Men.
Black Men are very fetishized and more desired than other MOC due to stereotypes and the media (music/sports) but another reason that influences the popularity of a specific group is always going to be the behaviour of their counterparts (I will delve into this in my post on dynamics in Interracial Dating). For example, let’s look at White Women’s interactions with Black and Asian Men. Even though some of the richest/ successful men are Asian and there are millions of single Asian Men in this world, you can see that they prefer Black Men despite all the stereotypes and (public) poor treatment of Black Women. It seems like I regularly come across footage of a Black Man beating a Non-Black Woman. I remember watching a video of a white single mother with a mixed child who was actually quite beautiful speaking about the negative treatment of her baby daddy and suggesting that her soul mate is actually White. A Black Woman commented that with all that privilege, she can’t imagine why she decided to date a Black Man and not a White Man. Firstly we need to understand that dusties exist in all communities but we also have to understand that most White/ Non-Black women who fit their cultures beauty standards, will be with men in their community unless that community is at the bottom of a hierarchy (those at this bottom seem to be more open to Black Men).
There are so many hidden hierarchies in communities that are unknown to those that don’t belong to that group and being at the bottom isn’t solely related to looks. (Disclaimer: I did not create these hierarchies nor do I endorse them, I’m just explaining what exists in different communities). This can look like darker/poorer Asians who are at the bottom of the Asian hierarchy (Filipinos, Laotians, Sri Lankans, Bangladeshis), Eastern Europeans who are looked down upon by other White people/Western Europeans (Albanians, Romanians), White Women who just don’t fit white beauty standard’s (overweight, basic looking)- I’ve come across forums where White Women say Black Men are more accepting of their looks and more accepting of them having kids than White Men are. I’ve also had an Eastern European girl directly tell me that they love Black Men because they appreciate all women. Hispanic women who do not fit the Giselle look which is unfortunately rooted in anti-blackness (mostly ethnic Dominican/ PR women or any other Latina who isn’t European looking as they are sometimes looked down upon by other Hispanics).
I wanted to make this point because I believe that the perceived desirability of Black Men contributes to Black Women behaving “thirsty” towards them. Even though this is a group of men they engage with on a daily and know their general condition, they still see them as a “prize”. For example, if you see a pretty Asian girl with a Black guy, in ignorance you think that this verifies that Black Men are better than all others even though you know the issues in our community. You do not know where that girl is from, you may not be aware of the hierarchies in that racial group and how that culture may be looked down upon, you may not be aware of colorism in that community and many non-Black Women put money and the desire to be placed on a pedestal before anything including race. Other races of women just use what they’ve got to seek a man with certain attributes (wealth, power, famous etc.) and many find it easier as a non-Black Woman to seduce a Black Man as opposed to (high quality) men of their own race (many have labelled them as easy tricks), usually because of what Black Men value (only looks or race) while others look for other attributes in a wife. I will explain how BW can do the same in a future post. This behaviour is foreign to many BW as we are conditioned to see men as a prize who we then chase as opposed to entertaining those who see us as an object of desire. If said man does not come in the package she’s been conditioned to see as a prize, she sees that as taking an L. I’ll also elaborate on this in a future post.
I think some Black Women need to understand that what a White (paler skinned) Women needs from a man is going to be different from what we need from a man based on our experiences in society.
Since most IR relationships involve White Women, looking at Asian Men (besides the negative stereotypes), I realized that Asian beauty standards are too close to the beauty standards of White people and any White Woman who matched that standard would just date a White Man and those that don’t for the most part would not feel comfortable competing with Asian Women based on their stereotypical look/size BUT they do feel very confident competing with Black Women – some will straight up say this.
^ I’m actually not one of those women who like to create conflict between darker/lighter skinned mono-racial Black Women like other content creators and I feel sad when some DSBW will even use non-Black Women against a Black woman just because she is light-skinned (which I’ve seen some BW do when comparing Amal Clooney to Lori Harvey) because I know it is rooted in a desire to be a Black Man’s preference and still seeking validation from them. However, I am aware that this same confidence in competing for men also exists when it comes to mixed women (who I don’t label as Black because many are raised by Non-Black Women and their views of Black Women oftentimes influence their daughters) and lighter-skinned women. I recall in Love Island UK S7 when Tyler picked the darker-skinned Kaz over the mixed-race Juliette and upon her release from the house, she said that Tyler would definitely pick her ‘in the real world’. That wasn’t the case and we don’t know if what she said was true or false as Tyler and Kaz are not together anymore but we all know she was confident in saying that because she is mixed and Kaz is dark-skinned and this was actually picked up by some of the fans.
Even if the Black Woman they are “competing with” is better/prettier, they still have that confidence but unfortunately some have to learn the hard way that if a Black Man can’t “get it together” for a Black Woman, they probably won’t ever get it together… *stares in DaniLeigh*
Now, why do these women feel so confident? Of course, global colorism, some Black Men being hellbent on lowering the self-esteem of Black Women through degradation (I explain why here) and Black Men making it known, in the words of Quavo in Pick Up the Phone that they’re “loving all races, hell nah don’t discriminize” but one thing we don’t focus on is us! Black Women are unfortunately so vocal on public platforms about their issues and fears that we forget that everyone is watching and we’re contributing to our downfall and low image. For example, I was once browsing Twitter and came across a video of a Black Man running a bath and preparing something romantic for a woman, and the girl who uploaded it was like “we want men like this, where are they?” and out of nowhere another Black Woman retwets it with “I bet his girlfriend is White or racially ambiguous, they don’t do that for us”.
Nonetheless, his girlfriend was white lol but let’s dissect this. She saw a man being romantic, there was no woman in the video and she puts out there on this global platform that Black Men do not do that for Black Women, they only do that for other races. Now I’m sure that this was a Black Woman who is seeking a Black partner. When you are a Black/darker skinned woman and you think Black Men don’t see value in you, you exit silently and find someone who does see value in you (like other races). You don’t send out a message to non-Black Women that our men do not value us and they will value them. What’s sad is I’m sure that these same women will turn around and say that all these women fetishize Black Men and blah blah blah. I’m very confused as to why women who desire Black Men continue to do this because it makes you look pathetic, like why are you still with them then? and it’s very off code. To explicitly put it out there that these men don’t see value in you because you are black and then suggest that if you were white/ambiguous they’d treat you well (which isn’t always true :/) and then you get confused that non-Black Women are now thinking, well damn let me see what Tyrone is saying if he’s going to worship me solely because I’m not Black.
Looking at the growth of K-Pop, you see that Korean men are becoming more desired and those that have been to Korea talk about some of the men’s desire to sleep with White Women (this is related to dynamics and I’ll explain in a future post about interracial dating dynamics as it pertains to Black Women) and this is something that exists in all communities of color despite our desire to only pin it on Black Men. We should know by now that there are gender wars in ALL communities but you don’t see those women speak on their issues so publicly. The way a Black woman feels the need to tell the world “Black men didn’t like me so I had to date out”, have you ever heard an Asian Woman say such a thing? No. Why would she? She’s not going to tweet that there are a lot of Korean guys who would worship you so all those Russian and British White girls can take a 1st class trip to Seoul. Where are the South Asian girls tweeting about their men’s obsession with paler skin? They’re not stupid to frame their issues in a way where they’re selling their men to other races. Everyone has issues and as a woman, you just react to them accordingly instead of airing out your dirty laundry (which can also contribute to non-Black Men preying on your insecurities). This is why some non-Black Women are getting butt implants to appeal to Black Men because we’ve literally sold these men to them.
Another aspect is that Black Women are trendsetters and people want what Black Women have. We make things popular and we make things desirable. If we separated our identity from Black Men then they would immediately become less desirable. When you’re in the supermarket, and a non-Black Woman with a Black Man is making a scene so you can look their way, why does she do that? Because she assumes you care and it’s an ego boost. They see it as a privilege to be able to take them from us. It’s clearly not Black Men’s reputation for long-lasting marriages or romance that draws them in. That’s how powerful Black Women are. We make things trendy and marketable and we made Black Men a prize. No other races have created an atmosphere where dating their counterpart would be a power move because they don’t pay it any mind and even though they care, they pretend they don’t. I’ve even seen dating site data which suggested that without Black Women (we’re talking about everyday people here not athletes/rappers), Black Men would be on the level of Asian Men in terms of desirability so to all my Black Women who complain complain complain think about that for a second.
TW Misogynoir:
^ There’s so much I could dissect in this video alone but I digress. Many of you seem so bothered that some Black Men put other women on a pedestal and create whole platforms degrading your image. You need to understand that you are the reason Black Men are as desirable (and big-headed) as they are. You! Also, they feel comfortable speaking on you because you make them feel like their opinions on you are valid of acknowledgment. Ignore men and they will starve and therefore have no choice but to do better (what AW do).
Due to racial pride, many of you have gone out of your way to call these men Kings because we say we are Queens so they must be our Kings. You’ve referred to a group of men who have done nothing for you, nothing for your image, like kings. I can’t fathom calling another man who is not my husband a king. For many other women, they don’t like their culture and in turn, don’t like their men but for us, love of culture has almost been a form of self-care in a white supremacist world and so it’s hard for many of us to separate love of our culture from loving BM. You have to understand how deep this conditioning is where unfortunately we have made Black Men such a cornerstone of our Blackness and many of us see ourselves as the mothers of all Black Men and almost feel attacked when they are looked down upon.
I even caught myself recently having such emotions when I saw a Black Man brutally beating a White Woman in front of their child and even in my 20’s, that motherly instinct kicked in and I felt some type of shame about the type of men we “create”. I quickly came to my senses and realized that he and any other Black Man have nothing to do with me (since I didn’t raise him) and they are men just like everyone else. I used to be super woke, I mean I would literally watch Farrakhan lectures and thought to myself that Black Men may not be able to live up to our expectations because of slavery and white supremacy. Luckily for me, I abandoned that way of thinking very young when I realized that the same grace was not offered to Black Women and that there was no contextualization as to any of our flaws and I don’t give grace to those that don’t give me grace.
I also feel like BW have an empathy for BM (that’s not reciprocated) because as a race, we’ve been through some things and you want to see them do well but sometimes you have to realize that BM winning doesn’t mean they’re bringing you along with them. Instead of being the typical self-sacrificial BW where you’re thinking “I want to help him and see him do well”, flip that into “Who wants me to do well and who’s going to help me” because we’ve been through some things too…
Sometimes I think about the “why” in BW selling BM and maybe BW have consumed media that has made them think BM don’t do the negative things other men do even though they should know better by now but I also think that when a BW herself thinks that she has no other options or has made invisible barriers due to her views on things like slavery or politics, I think they embolden BM to make themselves feel better about only having that option and we need to individually look at why we feel a need to embolden someone who sullies our image to the world.
When an Asian woman goes on national tv and says she has a no Asian dating policy, she understands that the Asian Men of the world are not her fathers or sons but just men (who have the ability to help or hinder her life). Even when Black Men see random Black Women, do they see us as their mothers? Do you feel covered when you see a group of Black Men like they’re family? You can’t care more about Black Men than they do about you if you don’t want to be devoured.
Another thing that came to my mind was that selling Black Men, contributes to a lot of White, Hispanic and Asian men mimicking their behaviour – I’m not AT ALL saying that these men don’t have their own issues. There are bottom barrel men in all communities but now many, especially the young ones gravitate to Black culture which obviously has no respect for Black Women (You shouldn’t seek those kinds of men for relationships regardless but that doesn’t prevent them from disrespecting you). I believe that these boys see how Black Men behave yet get so much attention and loyalty from Black/other women and assume that this is what women like. We have to be very vocal and let it be known that the way some Black Men behave; calling women bitches or having multiple baby mama’s etc. is not attractive, we don’t like it and it won’t get you attention or praise so others will understand that mimicking some Black Men will not get you female attention.
Furthermore, it would be great if Black Women would stop talking about Black Men’s penis size and sex game which is partly why every other race wants to try it.
There are many viral tweets where BW put Black Men’s sexual prowess on a pedestal (pornography of course already does that and it also harms the general desirability of Black Women as I explain here). I wouldn’t care if Black Men were doing the same but most spend their time focusing on what they consider wrong with Black Women as opposed to what’s right. How many times are you going to see a Black Man say something like, “Wow dark-skinned pussy is so good”. They might say some code shit like “girls from the hood throw it back better” but they’ll never give you that much promo and make you appealing to others (especially nowadays since they recognize the trend of Black Women leveling up). I remember once seeing this struggle rapper on a video and he was saying how Black Men are the most desired and they are all we can get because we’re at the bottom. I was like damn, clicked on his Instagram and 95% of the women he was following were Black. So that is what he finds attractive and that’s who he pursues but he never wants you to feel too good about yourself.
Another reason I believe Black women go so hard for Black Men is that they naively think that it will give them favor but it kind of makes us look pathetic especially when it’s not returned. Sometimes you will see non- Black women selling themselves to Black Men and they get excited, so many Black Women think that they need to compete on that level and do the same but there’s a reason she’s selling herself to that man because at one point she’s probably seen that man put her kind on a pedestal or it’s not well known that her demographic is attracted to Black Men. The Black Man hasn’t put you on a pedestal (nor has any other man as a whole) so there’s no need to gas men up publicly- that’s their job. The dynamic between Black Men and Black Women is somewhat abnormal because he sees himself as the prize (I will delve into this deeper in a future post) and so it needs to be repaired for future generations. Time to rescind.
Me when I see Black Women going hard for Black Men and they’re out here degrading our image:
- Stop with the heart eyes/compliments under Black Men’s (any man’s) pictures (it’s super embarrassing when some of ya’ll get pressed when he randomly uploads a non- Black gf)
- Stop making fan pages for Black Men highlighting their “beauty” lol.
- Stop posting about their sexual prowess and sex game on social media.
- Stop making colorist statements against light-skinned Black Men.
- Keep your preferences, insecurities, and dirty laundry to yourself
Leave some mystery. (This includes talking about your beauty habits, hygiene routine, how you do your weave etc. as publicising everything about yourself will probably be used against you in the future). You’re a woman and you are the prize. You can tweet about how good your husband is, you can put heart eyes under your husband’s pictures, you can repost pictures of your husband and say he’s a Black King. You can put your husband’s picture as your social media header but instead of complaining, Black Women need to commit to change. I’m not saying this is about who you date or marry. Date who you want, marry who you want but the relationship we have with Black Men has to change. You can’t just act like every other race of woman if you are not being treated the same way. You must adapt to the environment you’re in.
We have to stop being so vocal about them and our preferences. We need to stop putting them on a pedestal, we have to stop gassing them up and we need to stop telling other women that the men of our community “worship them” or treat us like sh*t. You guys talk about men way too much… Black women need to understand that you are the one with the power and you are the one who put this group on a pedestal and then they turned around and threw it in your face and now you are angry but you are the one who placed them on the pedestal. Don’t sit there and complain or insult them, take them off that pedestal and see what happens …
Stop with the powerlessness. The way Black Magazines in the 50’s would only use light-skinned models and we changed that in the 90’s to ensure darker women had representation is the same way we can change the way BM engage with us.
Our love, support, and attention should be conditional.
OTN
