^ I am aware that in this interview Lil Wayne was referring to the BLM movement which is quite funny because many Black Men seem to have “divested” way before Black Women coined the term but I recall Wayne talking about a Black cop stepping over him when he shot himself at 12 but a White cop stopped to save his life and as much as Wayne is problematic due to being a colorist, it reminded me of my conclusion in “Why I Don’t Pedestalize Black Men or ANY Race of Man” about not putting whole groups of people on a pedestal when they’ve done nothing to enhance your life….
Anyway, back to the topic at hand. In my last post “They Don’t Want You to Have Self-Esteem”, I talk about the lengths people have gone to strip Black Women of their self-esteem and I talk about building confidence as a form of armour. The act of not caring about what others think is very important as Black Women and I’ve personally had a long journey with trying not to care about what others think of me and I’d like to share what I found during my own journey.
I had to deal with 3 things that were disrupting my peace:
- Over-identifying with the label “Black Women”
On one level I think I began to identify with the racist idea that one Black Woman represents us all which led to a strong desire for every Black Woman I encountered online or in real life to think/ act in a way that I thought was optimal. Therefore, when I saw Black Women behaving in a poor manner and getting a negative response for that behaviour, I would feel a range of emotions from embarrassment to anger. I walked around for a while thinking every Black Woman represented me and I represented them. It’s partly why (in my late teens) I rarely left the house without makeup and always presented myself in the best way I could. I identified so heavily with the label of being a “Black Woman” and this was very damaging when I look back and I’m very grateful to have changed my mindset. Nowadays, I regularly go for walks without makeup and feel free to behave how I please. The change in mindset came after I encountered the idea of “sovereignty” being discussed on clubhouse which means “the authority of a state to govern itself or another state”. The analogy they used was for a Black Woman to imagine that she was in some type of a burning building (God forbid!) and she was the only one who could jump through the window and every other Black Woman (including family members and friends) were too far away to reach the window, would she jump through or hesitate because she wants to reach back for all the other Black Women? Is it enough if she’s the only one? If she doesn’t jump through then there’s no Black Women on the other side… This literally blew my mind and showed me that I really have to focus on myself because if we all fall, no one will be on the “other side”.
Related to this is my thoughts on Black Women attaching their whole identity to being a “Black Woman”. One woman did refer to it as a low frequency label which I don’t agree with because we have the power to make it represent what we want. However, problems can occur when you attach yourself so strongly to a label because when that label is attacked or insulted, you crumble, even though it’s not you directly being attacked. You may be a woman who is complimented and gets attention but then you come across someone saying Black Women are undesired and then you begin to feel low because you’ve attached yourself so closely to a label instead of looking at your own experiences. I think we need to disengage a bit from the constructed identity (which I know is hard since society makes you so hyperaware of being Black) and go back to just being “Brenda” or “Cassandra” where you are not just a Black Woman but someone with their own attributes and talents and you can write your own story. I will have many future posts about Black Women internalizing harmful narratives, oftentimes due to the experiences of other Black Women or ignorance surrounding the experiences of Non-Black Women.
Astrologer Pam Gregory interviewed by Nat Rich:
- Having an overwhelming urge to correct what is false/untrue
“Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God.”
“Truth is unalterable, eternal and unambiguous. It can be unrecognized, but it cannot be changed.”
― A Course in Miracles
A lot of Black Women have experienced the feeling I felt and I know this because we are so reactive and you oftentimes find us on the Internet going back and forth with strangers (energy vampires). Some have said that this is because we don’t take responsibility / have control of our self-identity/environment. I agree and to some degree I also think some Black Woman oftentimes see themselves as some sort of moral compass and in order to assert their superiority, they always have to speak out and correct what is wrong. (You should also know that tolerance is the key to a long marriage so this inability to live with someone’s differing opinions can be an issue in many areas.) I’ve realised that it’s rare for someone to change their mind unless they go through something or change on their own accord so it was a complete waste of time to correct those who I thought were wrong. At the end of the day people will always have differing opinions and it’s not my position to change anyone’s mind on anything.
We get triggered when we see differing (or just plain wrong) opinions because our ego perceives the disagreement as a threat in some capacity. A threat to our beliefs, peace of mind, identity, whatever it may be. Anger is a defensive emotion that exists to energize us to eliminate what we perceive to be a threat. What is feeling threatened? When we discover the answer to that question, we need to build a better self concept around that.
Excerpt from How Not to Worry by Paul McGee:
- Feeling that there was a repercussion to people not thinking highly of me/ my identity/group
In “Why Does Misogynoir Exist“, I talk about how it would be optimal for Black Women to stop aligning themselves with certain movements/views if they want to live more comfortably and not have barriers put it place to stop their growth. Within our immediate circles e.g., our colleagues, partners or friends, it’s important to be strategic especially as Black Women because we don’t have a line of defence within our community so we do need friends/allies outside of the community. However, I think we shouldn’t be obsessed with the idea of being liked by the masses because it’s truly only a select few who actually hold power in this world. For example, one Joe Biden thinking highly of Black Women is more important than 100 losers who hold no power. If you look at anyone who is famous and successful i.e., new Billionaires like Rihanna and Kim Kardashian, there are millions of people who literally hate them and will say horrific things about them but that hasn’t impacted their success or fortune.
Another reason this needs to be addressed is because men always attempt to try and control (black) women through shame. When they shame us for doing certain things (dating another race, wearing certain clothes, our preferences in dating etc. ) it acts as a warning to other BW, that if you follow suit, this is what will happen to you. As I stated in my post explaining why misogynoir exists, BM are not dependable in the west and so we don’t have to pay attention to them, defer to them, listen to them or obey them the way women would have to in the global south and so they have to use different vehicles like shame in an attempt to control us. Don’t fall for it and do whatever is best for you because you don’t owe anyone a thing.
Stop caring about what others think. Realize their opinions are worthless and you hold them in too much a high esteem than they deserve. Demote all persons of your idealisms. Be yourself, be in your truth, and own every part of yourself.
On another note, I’ve noticed that “caring about what others think” also influences the choices Black Women make when it comes to dating. In my post “Black Women, Dating & Desirability [Part 2]”, I talk about factors that influence the desirability of Black Women, one of them being that most Black Men (& men from other oppressed societies) are obsessed with looks (usually looks that align with White beauty standards). But what I’ve realized is that Black Women are also obsessed with looks. I used to be very angry when I would see men of all races saying Black Women are shallow (identifying myself with that label lol) because I thought to myself that Black Women date down and expect the least of men compared to other races! (Obviously part of that is vocalizing our preferences too much), but looking a bit deeper, I understood what they were saying. For a lot of Black Women looks seem to be of most importance when it comes to seeking a mate.
This is quite apparent in interracial relationships where many Black Women bring the “Blackistan” conditioning into that sphere and whatever non-Black man they engage with has to be better looking than any Black Man they could get because they care about what other people think. If he looks like Brad Pitt then other people will understand why she dates him instead of a Black Man and so sometimes we see similar issues that occur within our community also occurring when a Black Woman engages with non-Black Men because instead of prioritizing important things like wealth, values and status, she prioritized looks and he may not be the best person for the job. This I believe is also why a lot of other races win in marriage (they will not shy away from men who are not the best looking but are very successful with strong family values) or why Black Women in the West have lower marriage rates than other races because we prioritize looks so much. It’s quite humorous because we judge Black Men for many things but don’t realize that we have internalized some of the toxic conditioning that they have. The last thing on your mind when seeking a man to partner with and to lay in your bed at night is the opinion of others.
Do You.
OTN
2 thoughts on “The Danger of Caring About What Others Think”
Love this post. I caught myself almost getting into a cycle of caring about trying to defend myself from other peoples opinions/ bold assumptions about me . Was about to act hostile, then I remembered this post. Youve really put things into perspective. Thankyou!
You’re welcome <3