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I’ve referenced this very fascinating interview with the Italian porn star Mike Stefano before and it highlights a few things to me. He and the interviewer have a preference for black women:
Now it was clear from this man’s portfolio of IR pornography and relationships with Black porn actresses that he is very into black women but he had recently been living in the Philippines (at the time of the interview he was in the U.S and had returned to the US industry) but he’s somewhat based in the Philippines now and so he states that he had been in the Philippines because he was burnt out from the porn industry and needed a place to sleep with younger women. He was saying that the Philippines is the epicentre of whores, you can get a different girl every night and there is a focus on girlfriend experience. This man is clearly a deviant (he’s a porn star duh) but I was intrigued that someone that into Black Women chose to be around Asian women…
At one point when talking about his preference, he’s asked that after Black Women, what’s his next type and he said Hispanic women. The other guy notes that they have black in them (full blow fetishishers!) and he clearly states that he likes very very dark skin and curves. So you would ask, if you like black women why would you choose to be around Asian women? and looking at this interview as someone who has a gift of reading people it became evident that this is a guy who is older now and was very successful in the industry. He’s coming closer to the end of his career and he and the interviewer stated how they would go to porn awards and they wouldn’t get recognized and porn is a young man’s game and so there was this sense of feeling like a nobody and feeling less than others (in his case young porn stars dominating the industry) and so this energy of feeling less than other men and unimportant is common amongst everyday men. Most men nowadays are extremely insecure and triggered – we see by the growth of incels and manosphere talking points creeping into every space.
Some of you may say he’s a porn star so of course he’s going to be in the Philippines looking for sex but there’s sex workers that fit his preference but he made it clear that the poor women in the Philippines needed him (unlike in places like Thailand who are now becoming more developed) and was seeking some type of elevation from these women which I believe he can’t get in the U.S now he’s older.
To move away from a porn star, let’s look at this comment from a random white guy:
Society has pushed the idea that men date on a primal level, they hunt only who they want based on beauty and positive attributes and they never settle but a lot of these men seem to date and be around Asian women and others (which is desirability and why they are ranked high) but seem to have a preference for other women… So does being sought after actually mean that you are who men find most attractive? I don’t think so…
I think most men don’t go around saying who is the most beautiful and sexy woman I can find? I think men nowadays are thinking “where can I go to feel good about myself?” (a little free game but it’s always good as a BW to ask yourself, what kind of man would get the most out of me finding him attractive?)
Them choosing to be around Asian women doesn’t mean their preferences are ugly. It means that whatever they are seeking at that point in their lives, Asian women are willing to give it to them. I don’t think most Black Women are thinking about the dynamic between WM & AW but I feel like society’s inability to look at things beyond the surface creates incorrect narratives about our attributes/ beauty as Black Women.
Excerpt from an article on Eddie Fisher (popular 1950’s singer/womaniser who was at one point married to Elizabeth Taylor) and his final wife Betty:
Sometimes when we take things at face value, we start to build narratives but what it looks like is not always what it is. What I’ve noticed when it comes to women who are considered “desirable” or “optimal partners” is that they deal with men that the majority of women won’t deal with (extremely old, beta, overweight, small peen etc.– some of these things you can’t tell by glancing at a man) or do things most women won’t do ( looking past infidelity, doing everything he requests, being a source of financial support) and these men know that they are unlikely to get this type of treatment elsewhere so that’s who they gravitate towards. Please don’t allow lying males to tell you the barometer on which they judge women (beauty, weight, personality, feminine charm…) because it’s just not true hence why many men may have a beauty preference for one type of woman but still date another. I will continue to reiterate that the WHY as to why your pool may be smaller than others is very important – you don’t move like them and therefore don’t make men feel as good about themselves.
Less men seeking you out compared to other races of women does not mean you’re ugly or less attractive than them. You just cannot or are not willing to provide what that individual needs and I don’t see how black women don’t see that we reside in a completely different ecosystem than other races of women and especially since in relationships women have the final say on whether they occur or not, a woman having a lot of men around her (this is desirability) doesn’t equate to being the most beautiful or having the best attributes. Even when I speak on women making men feel good about themselves, it’s not just about being super doting (because BW know how to loooove a man! Lol) I think a lot of it is just the ecosystem in which they reside where men feel more comfortable because they don’t have to compete with their counterparts (due to real or imagined stereotypes). Less men wanting to be with us as a black woman doesn’t mean we’re intrinsically lacking something. I just can’t tell someone his 4-inch penis is big and he’ll believe me because of stereotypes surrounding my counterpart or who women that look like me usually put on a pedestal.
It’s very clear to me that for black women due to ideas about the real or imagined sexual potency of black men many other men feel inferior to that and may not feel comfortable seeking you regardless of your look, your body or your personality.
Now we cannot say that most Black Women are even open or interested in White or other races of Men …
^ 2 Asian Women reject an Asian male contestant on the Australian dating show Take Me Out, essentially telling millions of viewers in a White majority country that they do not date men of their own race.
It’s hard for me to expect men to interact with me the same way they would interact with women who put other men before their own men or have counterparts who have been stripped of their masculinity and therefore men do not feel intimidated by them (because society loves to compare outputs when the input isn’t the same). Most black women are not even open to other races of men, even some black men feel like only a certain type of black man is preferred (the idea that your average guy may approach/swipe the women he assumes will like him is never acknowledged) and so this obviously influences our desirability but also not being known as desirable also influences black women’s openness to other races of men because for the most part when a BW puts herself out there, she gets the most response from BM but that doesn’t necessarily mean they are the only ones interested in you but reflects the image we’ve contributed to, that suggests we only date BM.
When I hear men say “I could never have gotten an American gf but when I’m around Asian women, I have so many options”, that’s was not my perception of what being desirable was. I thought it was about men’s ideal type/ woman and possessing beauty and traits that are superior to others but in this society where women become less accessible by the day, you have to understand that this is not the case and so being less accessible makes you less “desirable”.
Also, I’ve explained in detail the reasons for misogynoir here, one of them being how opinionated BW are on certain topics but the reality is that people do not desire/like people they believe don’t desire/like them. Spend some time on social media and you’ll see a BW describe a WM as a ‘demon’ lol so obviously any WM viewing that will not think highly of BW because we don’t yet have the luxury of being seen as individuals and it’s one of the reasons why I push for BW to stop being so vocal online/in public.
< The issue I see is that when you give someone an undesirable label it prevents them from seeking certain types of men. I believe Black Women (because of the ecosystem in which we reside) have to seek men who are content in life, confident and successful. The average black woman is internalizing a narrative that she’s unattractive and to be with said men who are confident, content and successful, confidence is required to go into those spaces and I feel like that confidence is being robbed from black women due to false narratives pushed by the everyday man.
Hispanic, White and Asian women feel comfortable plotting on men because of the narratives that exist and so when an Asian woman is signing up to Jewish dating sites (because apparently, Jewish men make great husbands and why should not being Jewish stop you lol and they know that many have a complex, as stated in Seinfeld “Jewish men love the idea of meeting a woman that’s not like their mother.”)
I believe false narratives surrounding why we are not as sought after as others is stripping Black Women of such boldness that other women have.
Also, unfortunately, most Black Women are not in the spaces that wealthy men frequent. The tech/ finance industry is dominated by White/Asian women and so this is another hurdle however with knowledge, these hurdles can be overcome. It’s not just about going to an upscale restaurant, if there’s a tech conference in your town, why not research the speakers and get as close as possible. If there are women out there Google-ing the highest earners in a certain field and going to their conferences and events so they “run into each other”, they will obviously have a different outcome to women who pray on it or think they’re not good enough.
I remember even seeing a very pretty Black girl respond to a question stating she’s attracted to East Asian and Black Men and 9/10 we know that unless chooses to focus on Asian men while dating (like other women choose to focus on specific men) she’ll end up with a Black man because they are very forceful in their courting as they are confident that they are our type. So an Asian man might see her with a black guy and see this as evidence for narratives he’s internalized such as “Black Women prefer their own” or “No one desires Asian Men” but he wouldn’t know that she actually does find AM attractive and may have made choices based on ideas of what she thinks AM desire or not plotting on them like other women plot on men, therefore having to date only those confident enough to approach her which is oftentimes BM and so you need to be cautious internalizing narratives based on the couples that exist because so many factors influence who people end up with beyond attraction.
5. Black Women are not Status Symbols
A status symbol is defined as a possession that is taken to indicate a person’s wealth or high social or professional status. For most men, what is considered a status symbol would be a White Woman (partly the reason why colorism is rampant in communities of color), due to most of us living in a White supremacist society and most of the richest men in the world being White.
When you compare other groups to Black Women, you can see that we are very different to these women. We:
- Have darker skin
- Have negative stereotypes that have existed for decades emboldened by the media
- Have a counterpart who is said to have the biggest penises of all men
- Pedestalise Black Men and say that they are better than every other race of man
- Have a counterpart who is the most disenfranchised race of man yet most fetishized
This all seems quite negative but the real issue is that with us not being status symbols, we are not making choices that would align with that. The type of men who are willing to date a woman who is not a status symbol are men who already have status (remember that beauty/positive attributes aren’t related to status).
It’s a double-edged sword because the average black woman is being told she’s unattractive and so she begins to internalize that and so in her mind she doesn’t think she can get the CEO like other races of women so she’s just going to take whatever she can get (this is the aim of many men online) without understanding that it’s actually the more confident men, the men living in their purpose who would be more into dating women like you because of the issues I’ve explained prior. These are not the men you walk outside and they’re waiting at your doorstep. Some effort is needed on the woman’s behalf to occupy certain spaces, the way other women do.
^ I cannot confirm that Ben Horowitz said this but I can see that some of the richest men on the planet like George Lucas, Lars seier Christensen, Roland Betts, Peter Norton, Jared Smith etc. feel comfortable enough to marry Black Women. It should be understood that these men have access to every race of woman on the planet and this is against a backdrop where (last time checked in the US) 12% of Black Women marry out their race (22% in the UK) compared to Asian Women (36%) / Hispanic Women (28%). Interestingly, Black Women are able to access these types of men (even though they’re less open than others) and considering the dating site statistics / opinions of men all over Twitter and YouTube.
Even many Black Women have married men who are members of European royalty (Franz Ferdinand von Habsburg-Lothringen, Ferdinand von Habsburg-Lothringen, Ceawlin Thynn, 8th Marquess of Bath, Prince Maximilian of Liechtenstein etc.) which again shows me the calibre of men comfortable dating a Black Woman.
If we look at today’s men and the way many think and behave, is being considered desirable by them worth it? I want some men or even a few because only a few are truly in their masculine and worth our effort, so being desired by a few should never be an insult considering how most are. As long as you can get what you need to get. Women always make statements about the scarcity of quality, secure men but being converted by most men is still something many desire. You need to be aware of that as a BW because you’re sometimes chasing that label to be desired but desired by who? Look at these men!
Another thing I’ve noticed is that black wealth is concentrated amongst rappers and athletes and these are very famous men who came from dirt and so it’s no surprise that they would be seeking a status symbol but in other communities, the wealth isn’t concentrated amongst athletes and so I feel like when a successful non-black man marries a black woman it doesn’t really hit the news or go viral and so this also adds to this narrative that no one wants you even though it’s false.
[video: Brooke and Umut Ozaydinli]
I don’t see many other races of women with European royalty but I personally think that a lot of people have a vested interest in pushing the “no one wants you” narrative because non-black men obviously dislike their women with black men and so project that pain onto black women because of the resentment there and also black men are struggling in some areas, for example your average black man in America is earning $42,120, so of course, it would be in their interest to lower the self-esteem of Black women so they don’t ever think they can get better. A lot of you don’t understand that those guys on Twitter and YouTube are actually not on your level and I wish some of you actually knew the caliber of men who are comfortable dating you….Most of the men who express negativity towards us are literally bottom of the barrel but they are the loudest on the mic and so it clouds our judgment about our ability to obtain top-tier men.
Back to this idea of racism, I don’t know why men from million-dollar family dynasties and members of royalty are okay with diluting their pool but the average white firefighter on love island can’t. Clearly something else is at play. I honestly think it would literally be easier for some of you to get Harry Styles than a builder on Love Island because Harry is not thinking about “BBC” lool and some of you should test this out for yourself!
I want black women to understand that you could be a black barbie, everything perfect and there will be a portion of men who will never feel comfortable dating you or speaking highly of your beauty and I think this is very freeing when you’ve internalized this because you’re not thinking about what this person and what that person is saying. Also, racism cannot be gendered as these people are raised in the same home and it doesn’t seem to affect the women as much. Obviously, the factors I’ve alluded to influence the average man’s negativity towards Black people but I will have a separate article discussing my thoughts on how racism is related to access to women of a certain group.
A Black Woman will go on love island and then none of the guys like her and people conclude, “sorry white guys don’t like you lot” but when I see Black women with very successful white men they’re more on the average side (not to go off code but understand there is an incentive for these men to seek you – Dambisa Moyo or Irene Major aren’t spending hours trying to lay down their wigs but they can still bag billionaire’s, even in her 50’s for Moyo – what wall?) which clearly debunks the “no one wants you narrative” because it highlights black women’s lack of openness to it which is preventing those relationships from taking place. It’s not like they can just pick any Beyonce or Kelly Rowland look alike because it’s not open like that so some of you have to look into some of these narratives and see that they actually don’t make sense.
The dark skin is still there, the negative stereotypes are still there, and having counterparts with the biggest penises is still there but these very successful men are still willing to marry black women over all other races and ask yourself why this is the case. While they’re saying you’re the least attractive why does this heir want a black wife? Because they have their own status, they are confident, they are content and they’re able to look over certain things in the ecosystem that an average guy is triggered by to go for what the individual woman actually brings to the table.
Most men in this world are everyday men who have many insecurities and men in general I feel are at quite at a low point so it’s hard for a Black Woman unless she’s a top tier barbie to get a consensus on her being desirable and beautiful the way average women of other races can but average Black Women are still able to access the very best men and so as a Black Woman I think it’s a mistake for you to question your beauty or femininity because you are less sought over.
Dating is different for us (but society will never tell you this and some have a vested interest in making you feel like you are the problem) because we could be a black barbie with the best attributes and still have many men who wouldn’t want to date us and this isn’t the case for other races where if you’re pretty enough, most men of all races will date you and this is less about racism and more about insecurity. Men believe there’s less they have to think about and less they have to “be” when dating others. As Black Women you have to internalise that this has nothing to do with you and it can be confusing because we would think that if you have a nice appearance/personality, any man should be able to recognise that but there are only certain types of men open to dating us.
If you didn’t have the BBC attached to you and an image of preferring BM or worshipped insecure men and lived in a society where blackness was comparable to whiteness, more everyday insecure men (who make up most of our society) would want to date you but these factors have nothing to do with who you actually are and so I think it can be very difficult not to internalize the negativity surrounding Black Women and our desirability because less men seek us out compared to others but the why is important. You should know better and see that it’s a lot deeper than what is presented on the surface. You’re never going to be desired by all men but again who would want to be any way in this day and age lol so work on yourself, seek whoever can enhance your life and please disengage from false narratives. You can have the best of men.
OTN
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