I support those who forgo marriage because they have no interest in having children. Marriage is not for every woman but for the rest of us who desire children/commitment, I want to take this time to explain to you the importance of marriage. One of the biggest banes in our tribe as Black Women is having children with men who have not made us wives (at the wrong time, with the wrong person, for the wrong reasons).
(I am aware that 42% of Black American Women don’t have children or many Western African women wouldn’t dare have kids before marriage but our out of wedlock birth rate globally is higher than every other race).
FYI 70% of unmarried parents split by the time the child turns 10 vs the 25% of married parents. We should understand that when you give a man a lineage without receiving anything in return, there is no incentive for that man to marry you:
There are countless BW who have been honest and told us that they made a mistake by having children with men who were not their husbands:
Some BW unfortunately lie about how hard being a single mother is, as Six the Goddis explained wonderfully in this video: “The harsh reality of the baby mama and baby daddy”. (I don’t co-sign any other content she has posted lol but this video is very potent).
What’s wild is that BW want marriage so much (all women to some extent). Recently, the rapper Lil Durk who already has 6 kids, proposed to his gf India after she had given birth to their daughter 2 years prior and the image was shared by thousands of BW all over social media.
^ Summerella’s sister was recently proposed to while her 3rd child was in her stomach. I believe she has multiple baby daddies. What I saw was how happy she was at her proposal and every picture she’s posted since has emphasised how she’s a wife now. Even watching wedding TV shows and seeing the BW cry tears of joy because they’re about to become a wife. Marriage is something we value and want but not something many BW demand from the men they’re with.
Sometimes, what I see makes me think “is there no way to stop unwanted pregnancies?” even though there’s a host of ways to prevent pregnancy that most of us have access to. Understand that in some parts of Africa, contraception is banned so I always feel like it’s a slap in the face when Western BW don’t take advantage of contraception. Another by-product of unprotected sex is STD’s and again, to see conversations about new cases of H.I.V and Black Women being the face of that with many unaware they even have it is just so unfortunate. We live in the West! There’s no reason for this to be happening. This isn’t a game. Drop the superstitions around contraception and Protect yourselves!
When mistakes occur, many look to abortion (it’s very strange to me that BW, despite being some of the most religious women see abortion as an option) but we cannot pretend that there aren’t physical/ spiritual implications for such activities. I do not judge any woman who has made that decision nor do I think hellfire is the future for them because as women we have the power to create and destroy what we create but we can’t let it get to that point, at the rate it’s currently at. Even recently, abortion has been made illegal in Texas!
These safety nets many of you think exist, may be scrapped and then what will you do? Prevention is better than cure.
Sometimes as BW, I think we want to be powerless. We want to have the excuse that men do the proposing and so we are not in control and we don’t want to be blamed for our current condition. But women, at least we in the West always control access to sex and this power you have should be leveraged to get what you want from a man (don’t care how that sounds, this is the real world). Sometimes we (black ppl as a whole) don’t want to do better because we may feel like it would excuse our hardships. Some black women want to say “look what so and so has done to our community”, be it BM or white supremacy, rather than acknowledge that despite these struggles and inequalities, I will try my best to excel in life.
^ Source
I believe that such a viewpoint contributes to misogynoir and anti-Blackness as a whole because most people are quite self-absorbed in their own issues and rarely have empathy for those who put forth an image that they have no choice when choices exist (even if they aren’t always easily accessible, alternatives still exist for us, making wider society see us as people who victimize themselves and such people are viewed very negatively).
^ This isn’t going to be the reality for every single mother, where you meet a great guy who’s willing to play stepdaddy.
Another thing we don’t talk about is how the epidemic of single motherhood exacerbates a range of issues.
I recently saw a very sickening IG video where pedo’s were discussing preying on single mothers to gain access to their children. It was very shocking. It’s not optimal to have men who are not your children’s fathers around them. Also, when the father isn’t in the picture, especially for the sons, this creates resentment towards their mothers because they blame the mother for not doing enough to keep daddy in the home.
I recall a very hateful page on Twitter where the account holder was degrading BW in the most shocking ways and I came across a tweet that said “I just want to see my daughter” with a black baby girl pictured. The resentment between Black Men and their mothers/baby mamas has contributed to a very harmful environment for BW and we need to take control as women when it comes to who we procreate with so our sons don’t grow up to hate us.
Black Men (and men in general) speak about single mothers like they’re the most disgusting thing on this planet yet this doesn’t open the eyes of BW to make different choices about who they procreate with or to ensure they use contraception if engaging in sexual activity.
The single mother rate is also one of the main reasons why Black Women are hypersexualised despite the reality:
As she states, I doubt many BW have as many bodies as White/Hispanic women or are as hypersexual as people think.
From the Black male point of view, you see that they love non-Black “hoes” but if a BW is exhibiting hypersexuality its WW3. The reason (beyond it sometimes empowering BW economically which they resent because our abundance oftentimes highlights their inadequacies) is because they see your hypersexuality as causing dysfunction in our community, namely single motherhood while this is not as great of an issue in other communities (I actually noticed myself and other BW doing the same. I remember having a beauty page and being angered when the Black Men who reblogged naked women/porn all day followed my page as opposed to other races because in my eyes, their lust didn’t create as much dysfunction as BM’s but we have to be careful with these biases because no one is worthy of a free pass).
Deep down, I think BM subconsciously resent BW because of some of the choices we make which doesn’t allow them to rise to the occasion and be better men. Many get a lineage for doing nothing.
From society as a whole, when looking at BW, being a single mother is proof you’ve had sex with a man who isn’t your husband. Not to sound so harsh or dated but this tarnishes you and suggests you must be promiscuous to have a child when the pill/condoms exist. I know BW who have had a baby only on their 2nd sexual encounter and then went on to be celibate for years but are still looked at as a promiscuous woman compared to Becky who had 5 guys in a week or Ming Lee begging white men for sex on the streets of Manilla. There is no “proof” of their promiscuity which would be a child with a man who hasn’t made you his wife. Now we can say “who cares what people think, as a BW, we are judged regardless” but there is no benefit to being a single mother. It’s not like being a stripper and being judged while this lifestyle allows you to pay your bills. There is no upside to single motherhood.
Through marriage and the use of contraception, BW can improve their image so it reflects who we really are.
3 thoughts on “The Importance of Marriage for Black Women | Hyp*rgamy [Part 1]”
Continue to preach! Black women please take heed.
Can you elaborate a bit more on the spiritual implications of abortion? I’d like to learn more about that.
I won’t elaborate that much because I don’t want it to become that type of page as I’m pro-choice. I’ll say that the vagina in my eyes is a creation tool (a great article on this is Using Orgasm to Manifest – Teal Swan) and God has given us this ability to create as God creates (I remember hearing that FGM was to take away this power in women) and I see conception as the biggest sign of this power to create. I feel like disrupting this tool (in many ways; read Pussy Prayers by Black Girl Bliss on the different ways) can weaken our power to create.