“Love isn’t enough in a world like this“
When speaking about the importance of marriage for BW, we must talk about hyp*rgamy. The reason I have put an asterisk in the word is because it is a word that should never be used publicly by BW even though it is so important to carry out.
Hypergamy is defined as the act or practice of marrying a spouse who is of a higher caste or social status than yourself. I want to place emphasis on marriage as in my eyes engaging in sex with rich men is not hypergamy and wealthy men have been engaging in that activity since the beginning of time. Hypergamy doesn’t only equate to marrying a billionaire but would also cover a nurse marrying a doctor etc. and even at that level, many BW do not engage in it.
Before we get into it, I want to say that BW are very good at bringing attention to things. It was BW who created BLM and it’d be great if we channelled that into more BW focused issues but BW need to understand that they need to stop turning everything into a religion and this word hypergamy is now in the titles of viral videos and regularly tagged in images on Instagram/Twitter that you all are sharing.
A friend of my mother told her that her son said he dates White girls because they buy him trainers while Black girls ask for Prada. Now in reality we know that no one demands as little from their men as BW but the reality is that he probably has high standards for BW and those high level BW he desires, rightfully so, desire more from a man but he is not willing to date the more average BW who probably don’t demand as much but is willing to date more average non-Black women. This is also behind a lot of the stereotyping of BW as gold diggers, because the few they regard as good enough are out of their league.
As a result, BW have somewhat become the face of gold-digging (particularly in the black community and BM are desperate to share this image globally) and to me it’s very unfortunate to have a label and not really enjoy the fruits of that label on a large scale (BW still shoulder the burden of household finances & 80% of Black American mothers are the breadwinners).
To quote Petyr Baelish from Game of Thrones: “A man with no motive is a man no one suspects. Always keep your foes confused. If they don’t know who you are or what you want, they can’t know what you plan to do next.” BW let the cat out of the bag and now BM are using good old shame to scare others away from the hyp*rgamous lifestyle.
SHUT THE F*CK UP.
Aligning with a hyp*rgamous lifestyle breeds resentment from all and as BW there are a range of reasons, as I explain here why we face resentment. We have to understand that your average guy is very worried about his finances and even I, after graduating went through a period of not having the type of finances I wanted and even as a girl in her early 20’s, it bothered me. Many men have even ended their lives because of money issues so this is a very sensitive topic for them and publicly speaking about wanting rich men makes you a target. There’s a reason other races of women don’t speak on this the way BW do.
^ If you dig deep enough, you’ll find Asian Women speaking like this but it’s something they try to mask as much as possible and due to certain narratives, it’s easier for certain men to believe that AW actually like them for them than a Black Woman and so being vocal on social media about this preference for wealthier men is doing yourself such a disservice.
I won’t post her @ to protect her identity but the woman above has an Instagram page that highlights her life with her wealthy partner who she has a blended family with but she also attempts to connect her wealthy male friends with BW which she does openly and I’m sure her bf is aware. Interestingly enough, she posted something that suggested that she and her bf were having issues getting married because she wanted more in terms of the prenuptial agreement.
I recall even watching RHONJ and Melissa’s old friend becomes a housewife and states in a very condescending way that “Melissa wanted to marry money and disappeared once she met Joe” and if you are a viewer, you know that she’s been labelled a gold digger by Joe’s sister. When you speak publicly about these things to anyone – even your mother, it can greatly backfire.
Also it’s important to have a career/income despite what some people on YouTube may say. Actually look at the women who actually live this lifestyle.
No matter the man, no man wants to feel like he is being used for his money. BW were lucky in a sense that they weren’t known for being money-hungry but you’re now losing this advantage because you keep broadcasting this “hyp*rgamous lifestyle” and BM are using this content to shame you and paint us as gold diggers. When you make yourself so visibly money hungry, and it’s apparent that you are from a community that isn’t the wealthiest, this can allow you to be preyed upon so we really need to stop broadcasting our desire for rich men.
Like I said…
SHUT THE F*CK UP
Firstly, I want to dispel the myth that most BW in the current day are drawn to this lifestyle just because they want designer bags or because of social media. It’s a very trivial outlook that even many BW hold. If you want to see the real reason BW gravitate to this lifestyle, listen to Summer Walker ft. SZA – No Love, particularly SZA’s verse:
SZA is basically saying that the relationship she was in was so toxic that now all she cares about is money and d*ck from a man. Many BW have been in unfulfilling relationships where they sacrificed so much and got nothing in return so many now think, “at least I can get some money out of this” and so they are moving in ways that European/Asian women always have.
Marriage is a patriarchal institution and always has been, where the woman becomes the property of her husband and so it’s always been a tool to control women. It’s no surprise that data has concluded that while wedlock helps men to live longer, it shortens a woman’s life by more than a year and so marriage needs to be strategic not just getting married for marriage’s sake. Especially when it comes to having children, strategic marriage should be part of that plan. This does not mean everything’s going to be perfect once you marry a man but it’s about creating favourable conditions. It’s also an insurance policy because when women become mothers, they give up a lot. We know how risky childbirth can be for BW. There are risks that come with giving a man immortality and so you need some protection. Some have ridiculously said “marriage is just a piece of paper” but that paper ensures that a man can’t just disappear on you and leave you with nothing.
^ Why Men Resist Marriage Even Though They Benefit the Most From It
Marriage is one of those scams where another benefits more but you’re tricked into begging for it .
When you get married, it shouldn’t be just with anybody based on “love”, dick size or looks. What is prioritised when it comes to many BW and choosing mates is quite sad. One of these things is race and you all know I don’t prioritise any race of man but I’m aware that 48% of BM (in America – similar to other groups i.e., Caribbean men are marriage phobic too) do not marry and so this is a problem when you are a BW who values marriage. I don’t have an agenda and have written giving advice to BW seeking BM but I suggest you watch this video by Mahogany Pink about the likelihood of getting married in the American context when you only allow BM in your dating pool.
We understand that racism/anti-blackness are very real and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with prioritising Black Women above other groups but as BW we are the source of everything and every race and as a BW if you truly thought you were this magnificent queen with superior genes, you would want to align with whatever is the best in society – be it black, white or yellow. Also, it is in the men’s hands to maintain the “black race”, not you because a BW being loved on by a man of another community is still a win for our community as opposed to funneling wealth into another community. A man treating you with respect who actually contributes to society shows you are someone who values yourself and elevates black womanhood. I always say if non-Black Men got us into this mess, they need to help in getting us out…
Sometimes IR dating is seen as reinforcing the idea that your race is less than another (hence why you went elsewhere) but we should understand that engaging with successful men of other races actually flips that narrative on its head because they are rejecting their own for you.
The actress Vanessa Williams did an interview with Glamour and after multiple marriages, she stated that “Now that I’m on my third marriage, I’ve realized it’s key to not expect one person to be able to fulfill every need in your life. I’ve got my friend who I go to the theater with, the friend I want to play tennis with. It puts tremendous pressure on your mate to have to fulfill every desire you’ve ever had.” I think this is crucial for BW to understand. Your husband should be a man who values you, can provide for you, and has good morals but anything else is trivial and can be fulfilled in other ways. This man isn’t a political tool or a way to get closer to your culture. A husband is a role. When you choose a husband for strategic reasons like other women do and not just emotions, it will enable you to weather the storms of a longstanding relationship.
I’m sure you guys have noticed particularly in an IR relationship, both BM and BW will start insulting them if the man isn’t “attractive”, as if that’s the priority in a marriage. This is abnormal because traditionally, the woman’s beauty, fertility and sensuality are her currency while a man’s ability to provide/ protect is his currency but BW seem confused. If they see a BW with a non-BM and he’s not a Tom hardy lookalike, they think to themselves, ‘why is she with that ugly nerdy ass guy?’ – the priorities are sooo skewed. We transfer the Blackistan values where physical appearance/dick is most important and we take that to another ecosystem. Part of this is because BW think if I date a White guy, he must be Chris Evans or the Asian guy needs to look like Gong Yoo because he needs to be hotter than any Black Man I could get and therefore it justifies why I’m with him which is ridiculous and leads to the same problems we see in our community. You don’t owe anyone anything or an explanation for your choices. What is a man’s jawline going to do for you? and by 60 his looks may fade. What are those smooth-skinned chocolate babies going to do if the man you made them with can’t provide for them?
The reason Asian women win (beyond having a counterpart no one is intimidated by) despite many not aligning with the white beauty standard is because looks are the last thing many look at. They’re always looking to whiteness (which they see as cultural capital – I disagree because white isn’t always right) or money when dating out and some will even date black soldiers if that will enable them to get that green card. It’s all about whether you can enhance their lives or not. They will even date racists if there is something to benefit from such a relationship. When Jeannie Mai insinuated that Black Men were for sex on the side and White Men were for marriage but then started to date the millionaire rapper Jeezy, it shows you the mindset these women have and what they value. What they get from their partners (cultural capital, wealth, self-esteem etc.) in their eyes outways any negatives like judgment from others. Would those people judging you help you if you were in need?
Other women know that shit goes down in a marriage and they’re not in a culture where they can just walk away as they usually have kids with these men so they need to ensure that there is something that they are benefiting from in these unions because we don’t get married just to divorce (also delayed gratification is a trait usually found in men who have worked hard to become wealthy and successful which I believe has an impact on their ability to be faithful).
Also, men who are not living in their purpose or experiencing some level of success are now being seduced by the manosphere (this is every race of man) and so dating down can oftentimes be dangerous.
For some western women in general, we unfortunately live in a bit of a fairy-tale about what a marriage is and what it can entail. This is a strategic choice (what it’s always been) so you have an incentive to stay in these marriages (disclaimer: in no way should you remain in marriages that are toxic/deplete you). You have to ask yourself as a woman, what is it going to take for me to stay in this relationship long term? What is going to make me wake up early in the morning and fulfil his needs? It’s not going to be his jawline and muscles. It’s going to be concrete benefits like wealth and stability (along with good morals, kindness, respect etc.). Choose from wisdom, not trauma before you open your legs for these men because marriages are not meant to end. It’s a very long thing and there never comes a point where you can say “I’ve got this man now and I’m 100% secure and I can put everything on him” and so it requires work and you need to ask yourself, what will enable me to do this work?
Barbi Benton was a former playmate who has been married to her husband for 43 years and early on in their relationship her husband spoke to People magazine about their relationship and I think what he said was important:
From one of my fave Shera vids “Slicker than Your Average”:
Not procreating with the right man or prioritising the wrong things creates a vicious cycle for Black Women. Unfortunately, many western black children grew up with their mother playing both roles and never learned that it’s a man’s job to provide and protect his partner/family. Of course, a woman should never be entirely dependent on a man but any woman who marries a man making much less than her or a man who cannot offer her anything is marrying a liability:
^ Mary has to pay $30,000 a month in temporary spousal support to her ex-husband – he wanted $130,000 a month. They divorced because he was sleeping with her protégé. I’m sure the cheating would have stung less if he was paying the bills but I digress.
Some men just understand that their role is to provide and protect and it’s better to seek those men who value marriage than to waste your time trying to teach men who don’t understand their role.
^ Jewish men are taught this from a young age.
Black Mothers of today need to do the same instead of being envious of their son’s potential partners.
You don’t have to beg men to marry you. Even male porn stars seek marriage and commitment. It’s in their best interests as men. Remember that.
I always say that as a Black Woman, you can’t afford to act like everyone else if you’re not treated like everyone else and my comparison was saying that unlike others, you rarely see East Asian men lusting after women on social media and it’s not because they’re not lusty men but because of how society engages with them. Just like them, BW need to adapt and this doesn’t mean being harsh and cold but there are many disparities in this world that we can’t ignore and so we can’t afford to date solely for love. We must be strategic. I wish as BW we could just open our door and date whoever is there if he seems nice enough but you have to understand that when you belong to a group that has been conquered throughout history (by the Europeans, Arabs, currently Chinese etc), as a woman it means almost that any man can do anything to you because you have a weak line of defence (most of my readers live in countries run by White Men and so we have some level of protection but other BW are fair game and find themselves in a range of precarious situations). So with no line of defence, we’ve been given this patriarchal structure called marriage, which is actually a gift for us where we can align with someone who is able to protect us and our kids.
Hyp*rgamy also ensures that the men you date actually like you and he’s not just dating you because he can’t get anything else. I remember seeing BM online giving there usually narrative that “most BM marry BW” even though most don’t marry but one responded with “give every BM 100k and see what happens”. Stuff like that exposes their thinking. The issue of “starter wives” is a big issue in our community.
A lot of non-Black Women don’t move like Black Women and leave Black Men if they become poor or use them for a come-up. WW have straight up said that they would only date a Black/Asian man once he earned a certain amount of money. Since BM praise these women so much, get like them!:
Unfortunately, many Black Women have been brainwashed to build a man. I had a viral tweet back in the day that highlighted that at one point, every male Black western billionaire had a non-Black wife and I was also made aware that the first-ever Black American billionaire Reginald F. Lewis had a Filipino wife who now owns his companies and directs her attention to issues affecting Filipinos. This has changed since Tyler Perry, Jay-Z and David Steward became billionaires:
The only issue is that these billionaires with non-black wives (i.e., Michael Jordan and Robert F. Smith) were with black women during their come up. We even have a saying “When you get on, he’ll leave yo’ ass for a white girl”. I want BW to understand that there is a risk of being disregarded once a man obtains wealth (I’ve noticed especially with BM) and it’s important to prioritise wealth (at least him having more than your own) to ensure the man you entertain actually prefers you. There’s nothing wrong with being the second wife as opposed to the starter wife.
I’ve always seen IR dating as BM subconsciously telling me that they are never going to rise the occasion as a whole and build like other men. As a BW, we need to be realistic and ask ourselves, are Black communities (esp in the West) in your lifetime ever going to look how you want them to? As a woman, you should use your tools to get a man who can enhance your life to become interested in what you’re interested and the best we can do in this society is align with the best man you can find so we can be uplifted and therefore uplift/invest in our tribe (BW) because I don’t see change coming in any other form.
In the world of work, while Asian women make 83 cents to the White man’s dollar and White women make 79 cents to his dollar, Black/Hispanic women make anywhere from 43 cents – 69 cents to the white man’s dollar and Asian/White women are still the women who practice hyp*rgamy the most! I’m sure there is some connection between who certain women align with/ don’t offend and who gets offered a higher wage which I allude to here but nonetheless hyp*rgamy is important for us because of all these factors.
I’ve come across hate-filled spaces and because BM love to compete with BW, they are literally laughing at our poverty rates. You can’t honestly as a BW do pitty dating because many of them dgaf about your wellbeing and laugh at your struggles. How can it be hard prioritizing your needs and only entertaining men with assets as a BW?
Also, many wealthy Black Men we see are athletes/musicians which are occupations notorious for being cheaters or bad partners and so many BW are brainwashed into thinking rich man= bad marriage even though the poorest race of men has the highest divorce rate. Sometimes don’t just swallow any narrative thrown your way and try to dissect whether it makes sense. Any man not aligned with his purpose/ not successful in some time of avenue is unlikely to be a good spouse.
I remember reading this fascinating interview of an escort discussing the male psyche ( I’m always intrigued by women who have encountered the shadow side of men because I think many Western women live in a bit of a fantasy land) and they close the interview by asking her, after all she’s seen, what advice does she have for women? The key part of her reply to me was: “I’m not 100% sure marriage is really a good deal for girls unless he’s really rich”. Now I know some of you may find her article negative but all I can say is as a woman, just make sure you get something out of these unions you have with men.
Stay away from women who call you a “pick-me” or desperate for desiring marriage. Women with negative mindsets towards love and marriage are like poison. It’s okay to desire a committed relationship (or even singleness). Don’t let this warped society turn you into this cold, no feelings b*tch. Get in touch with yourself and find out what works for you but remember this isn’t a place where you do charity work or date a man because you feel sorry for him. This is a strategic choice that impacts the trajectory of your life. You can’t feel guilty about putting your needs first considering rampant misogynoir… Next time you’re interested in a man, ask yourself what exactly do I get from this man that I can’t get elsewhere considering the sacrifices it will entail?
4 thoughts on “The Importance of Marriage for Black Women | Hyp*rgamy [Part 2]”
very well explained
Thank you x
The closing points are the best. Which relationships you choose impact most of your life. Whoever you let in, even platonically, has an influence on your mind and the ways you spend your time. Your time is irreplacable and cannot be gotten back.
This part was unclear to me: “ unlike others, you rarely see East Asian lusting after women on social media and it’s not because they’re not lusty men but because of how society engages with them.”
I have not seen less of this from any one ethnicity of men but tend to think that whatever group we grow up with or spend time with, we will simply see their comments more online as that’s whose presence gets more of our attention. The algorithm pushes us towards these paths by placing more on our feed based on the data they receive about where/which groups we might be from (ethnicity, gender, country/region, age, etc).
But maybe you are right?
I guess my main question here was, how do you believe society treats East Asian men that would cause them to act differently when it comes to visible expressions of lust?
Thank you for reading. I’ve probably disclosed elsewhere that I grew up with a Chinese-Viet family. When I speak on these people, it’s not just based on assumption. I’ve said always that East Asian men are just like every other man and I’ve noted people saying Chinese men will have 10 girlfriends. My conclusions on them are not based on watching K-dramas. I’ve barely interacted with Hispanics but I know that they are extremely lusty men online , the same with Indian men based on what you see on socials . With East Asian men, I see a reservation to openly praise women the way others do. I don’t see them calling women queens or commenting “I love you baby” on random accounts . I believe this is because the way they have been stripped of their masculinity (YouTube:no Asian dating policy) and so they give the world what it gives them which is something I respect because you should be responsive to your environment. This is something I believe Black Women don’t do. When a Black woman tweets “Why is Black d*ck so good?” This is someone to me who isn’t aware that men of her community are online saying she’s very unattractive and so she shouldn’t be comfortable putting such men (or any man) on a pedestal considering how she is spoken about in some spaces.