The way the term “femininity” has been reintroduced into the vocabulary of Black Women is very disingenuous.
It (your so-called lack of femininity) is being used as a reason for Black Women having a smaller dating pool than others or having the label of being “ less desired” than others. As I explained in detail here, a Black Man may pass up on a Black Woman solely because they see value in proximity to whiteness or a Non-Black Man may have no interest in dating a Black Woman because he doesn’t think he’ll “measure up” if you know what I mean *insert eggplant emoji* which have nothing to do with our “femininity”. When men pretend to be women, they mimic Black Women and many gay men of all races claim they have an “inner black woman”. They don’t see womanhood in other races, they see it in us and as the original woman, we are femininity and we are womanhood.
It’s unfortunate because there was a necessary conversation to be had about how our femininity has been robbed of us but it turned into “you don’t have this or this is why so and so doesn’t want you”. A lot of women nowadays want to go back to the 1950s because they’re so tired of men not being men but have no clue what those women had to endure. There’s actually a wave of entitled men who want a maid that sleeps with them, whilst they barely make any money, play video games and watch porn all day. Your average man is in a very questionable space nowadays and for some content creators, their response to this is that the issue is a lack of femininity and women’s independence. lol.
Let’s not be silly enough as Black Women to discredit feminism and the opportunities it has given us because feminists like Pat Robinson, wouldn’t have existed back in the day if everything was so great back then. Nonetheless, a “feminine” Black woman is very powerful and I will be discussing my ideas about what femininity is and why some Western Black Women are disconnected from it.
Source: Six the Goddis (she is Black male-identified and pro-Black so I cannot co-sign all her videos/ views but she does have some great points as it pertains to this topic). As Six highlights, the opposite of femininity is masculinity and so lack of femininity is most seen in the interactions between men and women.
One aspect I see where BW lose their womanhood is sometimes our inability to play the “victim”. For example, when we experience misogynoir, where we are being disrespected and therefore, we are the victim, the response should be to highlight it such as “this person is being _____” or better yet to ignore it but many Black Women engage in conflict with them head-on, back and forth which is what men do and when you engage with someone like a man, they’ll treat you as such. When other races don’t like what their men do, they completely ignore them so they maintain that victim position and it’s hard to repeatedly battle someone who doesn’t come at you directly or even acknowledge you. You don’t come direct at men; womanhood means you come at them left (losing support, praise, acknowledgment, etc. from you).
Also, after marinating on this idea of feminity, I feel like other races of women benefit from masculinity (through being known as “desirable” which makes men a source of validation/self-esteem or counterparts who have built/protected them) and are therefore able to play up to their femininity/womanhood in order to please men.
However, because most Western Black Women have no line of defense in the form of Black Men, many grow up without fathers, we face misogynoir from all men, and insecurity/BW prioritizing BM has made our pool of suitors smaller than others, this all can create a negative perception of men amongst us hence the “men ain’t shit” narrative because we haven’t benefitted from masculinity as a whole or on a large scale.
I think when you perceive that you don’t benefit from masculinity, you behave in a way that isn’t appealing to men (sometimes subconsciously) because you don’t see the benefit of being appealing to them. With MeToo and the manosphere, it’s quite difficult for any woman to truly have reverence for men and I always say that when you don’t have respect for something in your core, it’s difficult to engage with that in a positive way. That’s why women who are considered feminine don’t mind making men feel really good about themselves or stroking their ego and such women become the prize because such women are somewhat rare due to women closing themselves off in daily life. This is why I believe it’s very important for BW to engage with men who enhance their lives because we will then have a greater incentive as Black Women, to let down the wall and be the nurturers we really are.
Because of the condition many Black Men are in or the fact that we don’t benefit from masculinity as a whole, many of us (those of us who are educated and have self-worth) begin to see that marrying/ having children with your average guy is a bit of a patriarchal scam and we’re not the only ones. There are movements growing around the world like “6B4T” in Asia (where the women have played the game for sooo long which some seem tired of) where they vow to never marry men or have heterosexual sexual relations, or bear children. We see more than anyone how relations with your average guy can be a “waste” and internalizing negative narratives means many BW don’t think it’s possible to get the top shelf of men and so the act of emphasizing aspects of ourselves that make us women – i.e. different from men gets put on the back burner.
Our inability to use game and our femininity, which is often the only thing a woman has in this patriarchal society, is harming us. Of course, as a Black Woman, you have the strong urge to scream and shout about the issues we face but the way we talk about them is not appealing to those who have the power to assist us (which is men because they have the power and most non-BW are not allies). We know which areas men are weak in and so you have to appeal to those areas.
When I would watch Japanese movies, there would always be these gangsters in clubs where the girls would act as “hosts” and they’re pouring beers and laughing excessively at anything the men say while giving them heart eyes and this is just an important aspect of Japanese culture – making men feel comfortable.
In this particular format, this is really rooted in the idea that if I don’t make you feel good, you could harm me, but also you could take me out of this club and enhance my life. So, femininity to me has always been rooted in a feeling that “if I behave this way, there will be benefits” and the issue with Western Black Women is that sometimes there is no benefit to the relationships many have placed themselves in and so you don’t have that incentive to play up your womanhood and this is why I say hyp*rgamy for us is not about designer bags but so much more.
IMO The core of femininity within relationships is needing the man you’re with. That’s why the “get your passport” bro’s exist because they know poorer women need men and therefore have an incentive to behave in a certain way towards them. Even when I look at Black Women in successful marriages, a lot of these women have direct Caribbean/African ancestry (now I look at this with nuance and acknowledge they may be more open to certain types of men or there’s just more Caribbean/African women in the world) but I also think another aspect is how those women behave with men. When you are a Western Black Woman like myself, as difficult as it can be, before getting married, I suggest you look into some of the things that are happening to Black Women globally, i.e. FGM, Child marriage, etc. and I think knowledge of such things will give you more of an incentive to do the things required of a wife and play up your womanhood because you’ll understand how lucky you are (if you do the right thing and marry a man who enhances your life) to be in such a setup and how trivial some of the things you would complain about are compared to what some women go through.
^ I previously highlighted the relationship coach Scot McKay talking about the importance of men bringing out femininity in women in my article on Black Couples where I’m discussing gender roles. There is a lot of talk nowadays about the Western Black Woman’s lack of femininity but sometimes we rarely look at what caused this. I believe there’s something very treacherous about an individual/ group causing you to behave in a certain way and then that individual/group using the behavior you show as a result, against you to sully your image.
It’s very evident how the ecosystems many Black Women reside in has robbed us of our femininity. I recall Alicia Keys saying that living in a rough neighbourhood as a young girl made her very wary and emotionally guarded. She began wearing gender-neutral clothing and cornrows because of the constant harassment she witnessed/experienced. Many articles have shown how BM prevent black women from resting in their femininity (i.e. The Brookings Institute highlighting that BW have similar odds of escaping poverty as WW until they marry BM). It’s easy to say another race of woman is “more feminine” but what her man provides her as a whole, we do not get from our men (safe spaces, economic support, etc). A Black Woman will engage in masculine things like protest for Black Men only for them to put you down while pedestalizing a woman who would never labor for them and therefore has less “baggage”. I do hope BW are able to look deeply into what’s preventing you from resting in your femininity and reject that in every way. Whenever I see a BW not being feminine in a relationship, they are stressed, they are in toxic relationships or they’re with a man where they don’t feel like they have an incentive to do the things that are required of a woman in a heterosexual relationship. Sure, we can complain all day about not being in environments for our feminity to blossom, but it’s up to you to make certain choices as you get older and seek men who enhance your life so you have an incentive to do the things are required of a woman in this patriarchal world.
One key aspect of femininity that I think BW don’t talk about as much is being happy. Men (all people tbh) want to be around women who are happy and represent good things like fun, joy, laughter etc. (Instead of looking into joy and happiness, many Black Women are very distracted. Your average Western Black Woman isn’t thinking about ways to acquire joy but she’s thinking about LGBTQ rights or a rapper’s baby mama. If we were all focused on our own lives and poured into that, collectively we would rise. Other races of women are not distracted with bigger issues (that we don’t have the power to change) but are more on “let me just get myself straight” and so collectively they do better.
Source: Dr. John Gray on Fascinating Womanhood Disclaimer: I find her channel and this interview fascinating although I cannot co-sign everything she puts out and in the full video he does make some comments about Black Men that some of you may be offended by (you shouldn’t be tbh) but this is just a TW.
Being happy isn’t about being perfect or not showing emotions because we are all human beings but sometimes the emphasis is placed on wearing a certain dress or doing your hair a certain way but that will definitely not keep a man (especially when dealing with successful men, you need a darker side too as sometimes you will have to manipulate or lie to get what you want like other races do). As BW we do face issues or have trauma that can negatively impact our emotions and this can make us more solemn but this just isn’t attractive and not just in relationships but in friendships and at work. A smile and a more positive disposition is very impactful in many areas. Sometimes I’ll see a woman who’s not really that attractive but because she’s so friendly and bubbly, she really draws people in. If more “femininity gurus” targeting BW talked about therapy and mental health to help BW find their happiness / think more positively, that would be 100x times more impactful than “wear perfume”.
Some things that harm our femininity:
- Acting like an attack dog against men – IGNORE THEM
- Being overweight – understand that this really hinders your outcomes. Ensure your sisters, cousins, daughters w/e understand the importance of a healthy diet/exercise
- Looking unkept
- Wearing a bonnet in public
- Being too vocal and visible online – For some reason, most videos online about feminine hygiene are by Black Women…
- Sharing every beauty habit you undertake online
- Using our face to review items on Amazon, eBay etc. that you shouldn’t have your face attached to. Other cultures rarely behave like that where they publicize everything on podcasts, Youtube, or Twitter. Even in Asia, they value anonymity and their avi’s are rarely a picture of them – usually no pic at all.
Some will say, are these things really important? Because for most men, when they finally find a woman who embodies their fantasy woman the closest or who they feel comfortable with, they don’t care that much about stereotypes or what the woman did in their past. But the thing is when you do things that put you in a negative light, narratives are created (as I’ve written about here) which BW then internalise and it affects our self-esteem which may stop us from thinking we can get the best and therefore not put the effort into getting those things.. For example, when you have an obese BW posted on social media and many men (most are dusty but we don’t get to see their income/home etc. we just see a man) are speaking on her like she’s the most disgusting thing, this can confuse a heavier Black Woman viewing it that this is how all men view such women and she could never be desired by a man. Now if we chose not to share images of ourselves in a negative light, we could avoid that… Another woman doing something wrong is never going to directly block you from living your best life but changes in terms of what we share online, the images we post, and what we talk about would create a better environment for us.
Don’t be too hyper-focused on these things because I know that when you tell a Black Woman something isn’t beneficial to their image, they become very negatively emotionally impacted when they see the behavior being carried out. These are just things that would aid us but as I’ve said, any shift in our image would come from real-life choices when it comes to our spouses, careers, and education etc. as opposed to changing an avi on social media however such small choices would help the greater mission.
These are some great posts I’ve come across on this topic: “Black Femininity” & “Cultivate Femininity Within”.
OTN
3 thoughts on “The Trending Topic: Black Women and Femininity”
What do you mean by: “things that are required of a woman in a heterosexual relationship”? Sex? A certain style?
I believe that in a patriarchal society, a lot is required from women in a heterosexual relationship. I remember reading that a housewife is worth around 150,000 a year because of her role as a personal assistant, therapist, cleaner, chef etc. Sure women enjoy sex but maybe we don’t want to do it every day but I’m sure if every woman had a billionaire, she’d find the energy somewhere. We have to stroke a man’s ego and compromise. It’s hard to do these things without an incentive and women who don’t really benefit from the relationships they’re in are usually falling short in these areas…
Great Blog! These feminity channels talk about feminity for the male gaze but they leave out the importance of creativity, possibly because 1. They don’t understand it 2. The men these coaches are appealing to hate creativity because 3. They want to be the creative ones. So we can’t do it.