You Must Appear to Have Other Options | Dating in the 21st Century

I do not watch dating shows nor do I think they are optimal places for Black Women to find mates based on the type of men they attract and the type of men that I think are better suited for BW. However, in this interview, the contestant (who was from Amsterdam) said her ex-bf (who was a White American “artist and yogi”) made a very distasteful negative comment about BW, said his friends thought the same way but suggested that the contestant was different and that she had “broken the curse” as she did not have that negative trait. Now at face value, we’d say, she just encountered a racist White Man but they had been together for some months and travelled the world. My interpretation of this has influenced me to write this blog post. Whatever went on between them may have nothing to do with what I’m writing but it has at least triggered this thinkpiece.

It appears to me that this individual was clearly trying to sow seeds of insecurity in his girlfriend and we know that there are men out there who do this, using things like weight, appearance, career etc. against a woman to lower her self-esteem but he chose race… Being told that most people view BW in a negative way but you are different would obviously make a BW very insecure and desperate to meet the needs of her partner and prove that she is better than the negative way he or others view BW.

Now I believe that because of the narratives surrounding Black Women in the dating market, it can lead to problems where men may think that it is easier to break our spirits than other women. We see this very clearly in the Black community and I’ve explained in detail how many BM look down on BW and will even outright say we are the “bottom” while still pursuing BW and it’s not a surprise that these relationships end badly because a man needs to value who he date’s and believe that who he is dating has options so he has an incentive to bring his A-game.

Along with how negatively some BM speak of us (which I think we need to start looking into hate speech laws), there are many spaces where BW are discussing their struggles in dating or highlighting how they believe their skin or hair puts them at a disadvantage but I think we sometimes forget that the world is watching this. The manosphere and things like the OKcupid dating app study on 30,000 Americans has many BW today wearing a cloak of undesirability, and of course women of all races deal with toxic men but the fact that in this example, it wasn’t “most women are like this but you’re not” but he chose to single out her race (specifically her being a Black Woman – and I’ve heard other WOC experience this too) means we need to pay attention about the messages we’re giving out about how we feel about being Black Women, especially as it pertains to dating.

With IR dating, of course, there is still some currency there due to the fact that most BW date BM and a man may feel lucky that he has access to a beautiful BW, giving him an incentive to bring his A-game but as time goes on and BM continue to soil our image and confused BW pedestalize groups of non-Black men (which gives a desperate image), other men with not so good intentions may think, this is somebody who doesn’t really have options who they can treat any which way. I remember when I would come across spaces where men who didn’t fit the Western ideal would say things like, “I can’t get a Beautiful White Woman but Asian Women love me” and I used to think that if certain types of men think AW are so accessible then this could lead to issues which it sometimes does (usually with poor women from the Global South) when the women show extreme signs of White worship and do not vet but I realise that in the West, no matter how they may put White men on a pedestal, that White man (& Asian men of course!) knows that if said woman wanted to replace him with another White man or even another race, she could definitely do that because AW have put in the work to sell themselves to other races, show no loyalty to a specific group, their men do not speak negatively of them (as there would be silent repercussions) and they do not air out their dirty laundry/ negative experiences and I’ve realised that this is very important. But again, even when other races of women have negative experiences with men outside their race, this does not impact them the way it does Black Women because of the narratives we have internalised.
You can’t have a healthy relationship if the man you’re with thinks he can’t be replaced and when you constantly discuss how hard it is for you in the dating market in combination with showing extreme thirst and loyalty to men who speak negatively of you, this may begin to affect BW negatively in the future.

I remember recently watching a sugar baby documentary and the only POC in the show had Black ancestry and at first, I was like “sigh” but then I thought, isn’t it good that the world sees that there are men out there willing to buy a BW’s time? We really need to start thinking in a different way and understand that if you want “princess treatment”, you need to view yourself as a princess and project to the world that you view yourself highly.

I want BW to understand that all men need an incentive to behave in a certain way and I think we have to understand that the narratives that we put out there (of course we can’t fully control what others put out there) have to help us within the dating market and not hider us. You don’t want the image of a desperate woman, who has no options or alternatives. We shouldn’t have any more “dating as a BW” struggle videos, posts begging BM to see value in us or publicly lusting after men of any race. Remember men are meant to romanticise us, not the other way around (I feel like BW are way too thirsty in the public space.) Anything to do with undesirability or struggle should be rebuked and doesn’t have to be broadcasted online. Learn to deal with some things personally and do what you have to do to get what you want.

I can only suggest that those of us who can, align with high-quality men of all races, stop lusting after any man who isn’t your partner online/ in public and share positive imagery of BW. No more doom and gloom over what it is to be a Black woman in the dating market because it allows others to look down on you and use it against you.

OTN