I recently re-read All About Love by Bell Hooks which is an insightful book where she offers the readers, radical new ways to think about love. Many aspects of the book were insightful to me (I suggest you read it if you haven’t already!) but there’s one chapter early on in the book that caught my attention where she talks about honesty and somewhat criticises the aspect of patriarchal femininity that sees women’s deception as acceptable and as always, a range of things came into my mind.
Bell Hooks published this book around 1999/2000 and she is a titan in the literature space and so her work has been read by millions of Black Women. Deep down we know that what Bell Hooks is saying is true. Real love needs honesty from both parties but what if you find yourself in an environment where others are not honest? Can you win a game of chess playing checkers? I mean how many women have entered a situation with the purest of hearts and end up completely broken in comparison to a woman with an A-Z game plan? It may have spiritual roots but I’ve always seen Black Women as more “moral” than others. We have a strong sense of justice and if something isn’t right, we want to voice that. If people are being oppressed, we want to speak up for them and in our relationships, we want to be real. The whole concept of strategic dating is very new for Black Women. We’ve always been on the hunt for what’s real, preferred to date men we actually find attractive and “love” but then when you compare our outcomes to others, we don’t seem to be doing as well. Even Hooks herself, never really got the romantic love she yearned for and so it suggests that being “morally correct” doesn’t always produce positive outcomes.
I remember coming across this video of an older large White man and his younger Nigerian fiancée in traditional wedding outfits at a photo shoot. Some suggested that she didn’t want to ruin her makeup to explain her dodging his kisses and since this was recent, most BW wished them well but some women were insulting her. Suggesting she only wanted a green card and one BW when called out for her negative comment went as far as saying “she couldn’t find someone she actually likes to marry” which really highlights the difference in mindset between this African American woman and women of other races. On one end, if you have the typical BW mindset, a woman should only engage with and marry a man she finds attractive because that is the “moral” thing to do. If you marry a man you don’t find attractive or marry him because of his assets, you are immoral to them but it’s clear that this mindset has kept many BW in a state of poverty. For the millions of White, Hispanic and Asian women who lie to men to boost their ego, put on a fake smile and would never look at certain men if their income doesn’t reach a certain level, their lies have made them “desirable”, known as women who are able to keep men and have improved their living standards. However, most BW’s morality where they do not want to tell a man that his 3-inch penis is large in the hopes of him spending money on her or dressing proactively for a job or college interview in the hopes the boss/admissions staff will be attracted to you (which many “Tiger moms” tell their daughters to do), has created a number of negative narratives and poor outcomes. As I alluded to in, “Why I Don’t Pedestalize Black Men or ANY Race of Man”, there isn’t much long-term thinking amongst many BW. Is it better to lie/manipulate and catch a big fish so you are your family live well or be moral or only tell the truth and end up with a man you truly desire but he leaves the home which down the line causes your daughter to do something that is traditionally immoral like sex work? Bell Hooks talks of showing a man your inner world but is that wise? Is it wise to show a man every aspect of you when some have a bag of tricks? May he not use it against you? The sad thing is, it’s truly only BW buying into these narratives while White, Asian and Hispanic women are raised on the art of seduction and manipulation and getting ahead. Sometimes for the greater good, you have to dabble in the dark.
When I think about BW’s relationship with morality, I believe that it starts with the church. I recently was just thinking about some things and realised that we are all heavily brainwashed in some way because before interacting with some sort of stimuli (religion, the media, YouTube etc.) we thought one way but now we think differently and if we had not been exposed to those things, we may not think the way we do now. I’m definitely a God-fearing individual (I see God in my image) but I think some aspects of Christian theology have done damage to BW. When Luke 6:29 says “And unto him that smiteth thee on the one cheek offer also the other; and him that taketh away thy cloke forbid not to take thy coat also.” What does this kind of ideology do to BW? Remember we are the main ones in the church. As someone who grew up in this environment, I had to think, actually no. If someone slaps my right cheek, I won’t offer the left cheek, I’ll slap back or find a way to never be around that individual. P.S. I’m not saying that there is no benefit in church or aspects of the Bible because I love me a good sermon and the core of the Bible is about belief which is key in life. It can be truly healing but we need to think deeply about what we internalise and if there is an agenda attached to it that is not for us.
BW will speak on wars halfway around the country and yet there are some ethnicities that I’ve never seen speak on such things but remain highly respected. BW will shout about trans rights just because it “feels right” to help the oppressed, without asking, is this truly beneficial for me? And what’s worse, these people won’t return the favour. As I will say for the 50th time, why is the person with the least privilege the person at the front of the march? Someone needs to labour for you!
I’m not saying BW should become evil, callous and destroy everyone in their path but you have to realise that if you are a “good person” who wants well for others and never tries to harm them but this is not something others do (as many choose to hold onto racist and sexist views) then you will have to turn inwards and put your needs first. In a world with rampant anti-blackness and misogynoir, I had to think to myself, why tweet, “Visit your local Chinese restaurant!” during COVID while some of them were blaming the disease on Africans? (there are tons of examples like this). That doesn’t make you moral, it makes you a fool and I’ve come to terms with this by recognising that I am a moral person who wishes well on all people and I get a boost from helping others and sending out good vibes but I can’t help those who don’t have my same heart and that’s why I only labour for and direct my energy and focus to BW (those that have a like mind) and there’s no one in this world that can tell me that it’s wrong for me (as a Black Woman!!) to focus solely on myself and my tribe considering the world we live in and you will sometimes have to hide your cards, withhold information or play up aspects of yourself to do this. It is good to give love and be a righteous honest person who doesn’t harm others but all I request is that we redirect this to those who are deserving and not be swayed from doing whatever we have to do for our greatest good because that is what everyone else is doing.
OTN
8 thoughts on “What will Black Women Get from Being Moral in an Immoral World?”
I personally think many Black women dont feel validated in their beauty, womanhood and even personal accomplishments but know they will be uplifted if they become the shieldmaidens of society. I’ve noticed that because of this many now feel ENTITLED to Black womens undying support, praise and warrioring that when we ask “what’s in it for me” or make it clear we aren’t interested in laboring for them there is severe backlash. I wish more Black women would understand that we get nothing from being everyone’s therapist, everyone’s protector, everyone’s shoulder to cry on. When things effect us it’s crickets.
I 100% agree
Always love your take on things.
Morality is what keeps black women in America at the lowest of the low.
Do BW really think the world will ever be equal? NO. So play accordingly.
Marry for resources so your future generations does not have to start from the bottom when their mates are born with trust funds and asset!
When will American BW get it?
Some will rather date a black male convict than date out. Such a shame! A real woman doesn’t think like this!
I believe that America, and the oppression that black women have faced has emasculated them.
Although I agree with most divestors, I hate this implicit/explicit message that the life I’m looking for requires dating out. I don’t want to date out lie and have biracial children. I’d rather be alone than date down or out.
I as a writer of this blog have no interest in dating within my race just because I’m too much of a strategic thinker but in no way do most “divestors” say you have to date out or do something you are not comfortable with however I do always get concerned when we start talking about “biracial kids” because you’re then not solely thinking about yourself and being a sovereign woman. I mean I could be obsessed with black kids all I want only for my son to bring home a non black woman, then what? :/ but again we all have the power to create the life we desire. You don’t have to date out and there are millions in the word just like you who don’t and won’t. As I’ve suggested in my articles on black relationships, you may want to exit spaces where your image of love is not glorified or made to seem like a possibility.
Totally agree with your take on this. I kinda feel sad because this mindset is actually common sens for other groups/communities but black women need articles and hundreds of videos to be put on game. Sometimes it almost feels like black women are under a spell.
Coming back to this after a Black woman was blacklisted from every single major law firm in New York and maybe even all of the US after she showcased sympathy and support for Palestine. Its so tragic that Black women feel like its their job to be the moral beacons of society. People are being doxxed over this, losing their jobs, internships, their faces plastered everywhere and still Black women with their names and faces and schools attached to their accounts are too stuck in their moral outrage to see how badly their screwing up. Then I heard there were Black muslim women in London tearing down Israeli posters , their faces and names are everywhere now, they will never recover from this. How shortsighted so many Black women are. Im convinced many think that there is a reward at the end of this but no one will have a parachute for these women.
I don’t even think she understands the gravity of what she has done. She might not ever work again. Her face is all over right-wing news outlets. She even doubled down on LIVE television. Ironically, I watched a video about Black Palestinians, and they do not allow Black women to marry Arab men, but will allow Black men to marry Arab women. The Black girl in the video also talked about how a news company wouldn’t hire her because of her skin tone. I wonder if Ryna knows that the people she is caping for would NEVER do the same for her.